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Hi guys. Wish me luck ... about to go out and ride

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Hi guys. Wish me luck ... about to go out and ride

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Old 03-25-17, 06:53 PM
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DaveQ24 
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Hi guys. Wish me luck ... about to go out and ride

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate, TMI or just something no one wants to see here, but I need to get this off my chest and send it out into the ether for the Cosmos to judge. I've posted before about my inability to get myself on a bike for about 6 months now really. I guess I need to face reality that I have "anxiety disorder" or more realistically I'm a coward, or something somewhere between those points on some continuum, I don't know.

Some days I think I'm losing it - to have so much anxiety over such a simple thing - but that's what this is - an anxiety issue. And it really came to a head this past week. I hired one of the assistant endurance coaches at my gym to work with me on my running and swimming. We had a great first session, running analysis and diagnostics using video/software. Our second session was ok - stretching techniques then a 20 minute all- out for distance and to record my HR during- fine did it, even though I'm really pretty slow - my steady pace is only about 5.5-5.6 mph, sprinting maybe 7.0 but can't sustain long.

So he gave me a homework assignment - a 10K comfortable run, measure time and record HR. And I thought about it and freaked out more and more. I basically stick to 5Ks, done a couple of 10K events for fun and make every 5th or 6th practice run a 7.5-8 K to build endurance, but it's a challenge with even good control of asthma and anemia. Yet my dream/goal would be able to do a half IM - realistic, probably not. Not sure.

I've blown this test off a week now, and blew off the third session with the coach/trainer,which would have been a swimming form diagnostics session I would have enjoyed. I'm calm in the water as long as it's warm (anemia again, I wear a thermal wetsuit in cool water).

So I've been blowing off cycling all winter for treadmill running and swimming. Now I'm afraid of running. WTF? Then what? Swimming? then lifting? Then I'll stop going to my boot camp with the same friends I've done it with for 5 years? Stop going to work? Stop leaving my house? Lay in bed and puke and cry all day? Great life that, huh.

I am sorry for this post -I know I sound like the men with butterfly nets need to take me somewhere quiet - but this sh** in my life has to stop, I have got to break this pattern. I don't know what took the air out of my sails, I guess losing my mom to CHF/a fall and my uncle to pancreatic cancer 5 days apart Thanksgiving 2015 got to me more than I knew. I thought I was "ok with it" / guess not?

So I'm going out on a damp chilly Saturday night to see if I can shake this and break its backbone before it breaks me. Weird thing is, I know when I post this I gotta go ... and I loved to ride, most awesome sense of freedom I had in my life a few years back. But I keep delaying and delaying, been an hour plus now.

Gonna hit post and go. Wish me luck.:
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Old 03-25-17, 07:24 PM
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Hello, Dave;

I do wish you luck. It is amazing how one's mind can get into a feedback loop of sorts. Please let us know how you make out on your ride. It sounds like a real panic disorder issue that might need more professional help then support from us in the forums. I hope you have a good ride.
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Old 03-25-17, 08:51 PM
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I hope your ride goes well tonight. Starting over is a new beginning, a victory. Go get 'em!
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Old 03-25-17, 09:16 PM
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Right there with you

I'm feeling anxious about running.

I hope you were successful as you wanted to be today.
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Old 03-25-17, 09:35 PM
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Thank you from the part of me that needed to get that out. Apologies from the part of me that feels beyond a damned fool for venting out like that.

6.76 miles in 0:49:51, a whopping 8.1 mph average / although half of that time was walking around. My big ride was good enough - went up to the commercial strip and got a take-out salmon and avocado roll. At least I did it. Easy peasy once I got started. Cold and damp made me forgot about feeling cold internally - glad I brought my heavy winter Pearl Izumi gloves though, my hands were cold in lighter Specialized full-fingered gloves a mile in.

And tomorrow I'm gonna take some tylenol arthritis for my knee, huff albutetol and get this damned treadmill test over with. Really. Spring is here, no more excuses.

Too much death and disease and despair. I thought I got away from it a few years ago, I changed jobs internally, took over working primarily in taxation rather than direct probate filings and administrations. But I'm still helping out my replacement almost 2 years later, and I guess I've had my fill of seeing the elderly, sick and vulnerable being taken advantage of ... and I extrapolate to my own concerns over health.

Only a fool would squander all I have been blessed with for no good reason save fear. I just need to channel the good memories of what made me happy in past days.
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Old 03-25-17, 10:09 PM
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@DaveQ24, you are not a coward. We all have fears and anxieties and we all handle them differently.

I stopped riding for almost 20 years while my children were young. I had this fear that I would be killed out on the road and my children would grow up without a father. I had enough life insurance to cover my income and provide for them financially; it was my absence that worried me.

Now that the kids are grown up and I have hit the autumn of my life, I ride every single time that I get a chance. I am in relatively good health, except for asthma, diabetes, six coronary stents and a recent "battle" with a subdural hematoma.

I have not conquered my fears, my fears have passed me by. So I figure, I might as well go riding.

Dave, you are going to be fine, trust me! Remember, one day at a time.

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Old 03-25-17, 10:25 PM
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Any ride is a good ride. Any day you can get out of bed is a good day. You have nothing to prove to anyone else. On days when I don't feel like riding (or whatever) I just decide however I do it, whatever the quality is, whether I go fast or slow or far or near, all that matters is that I start. Funny how once I get started, everything usually falls into place. Make your goal to start - Yoda was wrong. Because try almost always becomes "do". If you don't meet your own expectations today, then meet them tomorrow.
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Old 03-26-17, 06:14 AM
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Ok - I seriously think I need an attitude adjustment, and stop being such an enormous a$$. I'm carrying on about riding a bike and running on a treadmill. Rough life, eh? I've had the great privilege of representing three Holocaust survivors in the past five years, two survived Auschwitz and the death march in 1945 ahead of the Red Army, finally surviving to liberation at Bergen Belsen. The third was a Schindler Jew and the only survivor of 69 members of his family.

Not to mention all of the clients doing death bed estate planning.

I freak out and whine about bikes. WTF, seriously!

I'm taking a cold leisurely MUP ride now - about half through, having half a bagel at Tim Horton's. Cold but decent morning. I am done with whatever this is ... I should be and am better than that.
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Old 03-26-17, 06:15 AM
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DON'T BE SORRY FOR THIS POST!

Part of the sickness of anxiety is not wanting to talk about it because it seems trivial and you feel like you should be able to just snap out of it. I don't think that it works that way. Keep posting and, if you don't want to be quite so public, PM me.
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Old 03-26-17, 06:43 AM
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I've got a sister who is a hoarder - really hoards. I just wish she could openly discuss her illness as you have your anxiety. Discussing and recognizing the anxiety is a good start. Don't be afraid to get professional help.
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Old 03-26-17, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by DaveQ24 View Post
Stop going to work? Stop leaving my house? Lay in bed and puke and cry all day? Great life that, huh.

I am sorry for this post -I know I sound like the men with butterfly nets need to take me somewhere quiet - but this sh** in my life has to stop, I have got to break this pattern. I don't know what took the air out of my sails, I guess losing my mom to CHF/a fall and my uncle to pancreatic cancer 5 days apart Thanksgiving 2015 got to me more than I knew. I thought I was "ok with it" / guess not?

There's not a person in the world who doesn't need to talk to someone at some point in their life.

I recommend a family psychologist. Be careful of the "As long as you are happy" guys but go see someone reputable.

I had to do it at one point, wasn't acting rational and wanted to find out why I was doing the things I was doing. He helped me to not be so hard on myself.


-Tim-
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Old 03-26-17, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by DaveQ24 View Post
Thank you from the part of me that needed to get that out. Apologies from the part of me that feels beyond a damned fool for venting out like that.

6.76 miles in 0:49:51, a whopping 8.1 mph average ...
Nothing wrong with that. My goal in the annual Triton 5K here on the UC San Diego campus is to break 30 minutes. In my case, the heart and lungs are ready and willing to go faster, but this is all the Achilles' tendons, knees, and soles of the feet can handle these days. (Another great arugment for bicycling, in addition to its magic in lifting one's spirits.) Twenty years ago I could knock out a 40-minute 10K, which is not much faster than your recent result.

My wife, who recently passed the 2/3 century (66 yr. 8 mo.) age mark -- which I am hitting myself a month from now -- still takes ballet lessons. Whenever she gets discouraged about how much better the 20-somethings dance, I reminder her of how often people underestimate her age and how much she enjoys moving with the music.

Exercise is the closest thing I know to the Fountain of [physical, emotional, and mental] Youth.
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Old 03-26-17, 07:23 AM
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Good luck. however i am kinda wondering about all these coaches and training regimes. That would flip me right out,maybe you should just have fun.
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Old 03-26-17, 07:24 AM
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I would vote for "anxiety" over cowardice. The cause may be mental, or it may be physical. You may find some relief by lessening your obligations and short term goals, and you may find some relief in mentally engaging activity like playing music, dancing or ironically, running and biking. It might be beneficial to be evaluated by specialists in each field (mental and physical, that is).

I know people who deal with anxiety and un-addressed it can become debilitating. As they say, recognizing you have a problem is the first step in solving it.
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Old 03-26-17, 07:26 AM
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Have fun, Dave. And this forum is to talk about whatever you want. Many of us have demons and talking can help.
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Old 03-26-17, 07:40 AM
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We are here to support you, not to judge you. This is one of the great benefits of having a place where mature folks hang out, and you can feel safe knowing that we are all in this together.
It takes courage to reach out, I would in no way consider you a coward.
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Old 03-26-17, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by DaveQ24 View Post
I'm taking a cold leisurely MUP ride now - about half through, having half a bagel at Tim Horton's. Cold but decent morning. I am done with whatever this is ... I should be and am better than that.
I envy you - wish there were a Tim Hortons within cycling distance of my home.

Condensed advice: Just ride the bike.
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Old 03-26-17, 09:42 AM
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FWIW, cycling is a great mood enhancer. Keep riding - it can be just as much a mental benefit as a physical one! The scientists among us can probably talk about endorphins or whatever, I just know that I am much less cranky and much more positive in my outlook if I ride consistently. Congrats on taking control of your life and taking action!!! Now THAT is showing real courage.
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Old 03-26-17, 09:50 AM
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I am in the mental health world, more diagnostic than treatment (I am purposefully being vague and won't answer questions

Dave, you are not being a coward, nor an ass. You are showing a great deal of courage and doing a great job. Keep moving forward, even if small steps, even if one step forward and one step backward. Focus on what you accomplish, not your perceived failures (because, they are not real failures). You are doing a lot of things right!
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Old 03-26-17, 10:12 AM
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I don't know if it applies to your circumstances but on the chance it does, in my experience the anxiety makes it harder to begin something than to do it once begun. We don't need to force ourselves to run a 10K or ride 20 miles, which may look insurmountable. But to just get out the door, when you can always turn around and go back if you decide, is sometimes easier to think of it that way. So what if you only run 1K, or ride 1 mile, it's a step and having done it once you know you can again, which makes it easier. FWIW.
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Old 03-26-17, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by JanMM View Post
I envy you - wish there were a Tim Hortons within cycling distance of my home.

Condensed advice: Just ride the bike.
No envy here. Timmy's is on almost every corner around here.
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Old 03-26-17, 10:39 AM
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Wow, really overwhelmed by the responses, thank you so much. So, my morning ride was actually really great except for a kinda gummy rutted MUP due to hard rain Friday and Saturday. Did just short of 20 miles in an hour forty five, leisure pace looking at birds on migration, plants sprouting up etc. I really do feel a lot better - sore quads are a great tradeoff for feeling calmer. And I do - the endorphins and fresh air really lifted my mood.

There are too many individual responses to acknowledge all, sorry, but I'll adress a few of the comments that struck a chord. Medically on the physical side I'm pretty well covered, I had my annual physical with all the labs 3 weeks ago, and like many of us now have my collection of various doctors I see regularly. But thanks for asking anyway, always a good point.

I have dealt long enough with clients and family members in cases directly involving MH issues, as well as in cases where issues like dementia or depression are factors to know my way around. I'm not adverse to psychiatry if necessary as long as the provider is skilled and comcerned. I do have an adversion to addictive substances, so won't go that route. Psychology ... I think it takes coordination between pharmacologically-based psychiatry and compassionate therapy-based psychological treatment to help some, others psychotherapy alone often works. If problems persist and I have to go that route I would.

Mainly I think I got out of my routine, and let that become a point of contention in my mind. I've always been functionally anxious - I worry a lot about hypotheticals and unlikely events. Keep on telling myself to be more in the present to fight that.
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Old 03-26-17, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by DaveQ24 View Post
I really do feel a lot better - sore quads are a great tradeoff for feeling calmer. And I do - the endorphins and fresh air really lifted my mood
Good going!
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Old 03-26-17, 05:31 PM
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My goal for the week ahead is two rides during the workweek and a long ride on the weekend.
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Old 03-26-17, 05:52 PM
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Great job!
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