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Attending a funeral

Old 09-01-17, 06:02 AM
  #1  
Juan Foote
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Attending a funeral

Two family members of mine whom I haven't spoken to in years passed away within 9 days of one another. My father and grandmother. I hadn't spoken to either of them in five years and the last things said were nasty both ways. As a result of it, some decisions were made that can't be reversed and completely excluded our side of the family. I opted not to go to my father's "service", nor have anything to do with his remains. I spent much more time with my grandmother, and although she is no less complicit in the situation that transpired I really just want to SEE that she is actually dead, ya know?

There is absolutely zero good that could come of talking to any of my local remaining relatives. I have no idea who of, if any, of my distant relatives that I would like to see are alive, will be there, and what they may have been told about us. I am not the type to start anything at a funeral, but also not the type to sit back with my mouth shut if someone else starts, nor to listen to people rain praise about her to me, the typical "I'm so sorry" thing.

The opinion was to go to the viewing very late, just before the funeral starts, and to leave just as it does. I had intended on not talking to anyone aside from very light cordiality. This is where I ask for a bit of advise.

I can't say "sorry for your loss", or some variation of it in response to it, if you know what I mean. I just don't feel that way about it. I don't want to be rude or inflammatory. I need a neutral response that doesn't insult, but also doesn't infer that I care too much.

Thoughts?
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Old 09-01-17, 06:51 AM
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id go but ill say a prayer for you dude
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Old 09-01-17, 07:18 AM
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Good luck. I have some impending funerals that I am not looking forward to. Have pasted a smily face over my head the last several years but hopefully not so smily that anyone expects me to give a public speech.

Also am in the midst of a rash of funerals for people I dearly miss. I guess it's that time of life, everyone married and had kids ~15-25 yrs ago, now time to be dying.
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Old 09-01-17, 07:47 AM
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If you're not going to provide comfort for those mourning the loss of the departed then you shouldn't go. Life isn't always about you.
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Old 09-01-17, 08:01 AM
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Juan Foote
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Originally Posted by kingston View Post
If you're not going to provide comfort for those mourning the loss of the departed then you shouldn't go. Life isn't always about you.
I appreciate the candid candor.

These folks know why I won't be offering comfort. It's also the reason I mention not purposefully talking to anyone beyond being cordial. This will likely be the last opportunity I have to get back in touch with people on the "far side" of the family, if they choose to come themselves.
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Old 09-01-17, 08:19 AM
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My biological father, who had no contribution to my my upbringing, died recently and I felt no need to attend his service.From my perspective, death from old age can be handled differently from death of a younger relative from disease or accident. I've seen relatives make absolute blubbering fools of themselves over someone who has led a long and fulfilling life and attended services for teens who died tragically and had a huge attending crowd of young people there to try to make sense of it all. I think a quick walk through showing respect for the living and dead, then a timely exit would be perfectly acceptible if you feel any need to attend at all.
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Old 09-01-17, 08:27 AM
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^ this one
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Old 09-01-17, 10:10 AM
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If you think your presence will be a disruption or be seen as anything other than a respectful farewell, then I'd suggest not going.

But if you can make an appearance, maybe shake some hands, and make small talk about being the end of an era... that'd be OK.
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Old 09-01-17, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by DiabloScott View Post
If you think your presence will be a disruption or be seen as anything other than a respectful farewell, then I'd suggest not going.

But if you can make an appearance, maybe shake some hands, and make small talk about being the end of an era... that'd be OK.
That's my opinion too, but I haven't had to deal with that yet so don't have any experience in the matter.
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Old 09-01-17, 10:57 AM
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what ever you do dont yell rock and roll and then play air guitar
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Old 09-01-17, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by windhchaser View Post
what ever you do dont yell rock and roll and then play air guitar
Since Bf/foo, HTFU PEOPLE!!!!
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Old 09-01-17, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by no motor? View Post
That's my opinion too, but I haven't had to deal with that yet so don't have any experience in the matter.
IME, if people are going to get nasty with each other, it's usually at the after-funeral pot luck or something. And then it gets real interesting if there are possessions or an estate to redistribute.
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Old 09-01-17, 11:47 AM
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If you can't express any sympathy I don't think it can go any right way if you decide to go. If care enough to get in touch with anyone, reach out to them.
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Old 09-02-17, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by kingston View Post
If you're not going to provide comfort for those mourning the loss of the departed then you shouldn't go. Life isn't always about you.
agree....and some people just don't have the emotional intelligence needed for such things....better to stay away
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Old 09-02-17, 03:07 PM
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Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If you've freed yourself from connections with the dead, then that funeral is not for you. It's for those who have unfinished business.

At best you might have an opportunity to re-connect with someone you thought might have been permanently estranged. Sometimes that's worth the risk and effort.

Otherwise funerals, like high school reunions, mostly remind us that we had already moved on in life and shouldn't have stepped backward to gauge our progress.

If you've made progress from a painful past, I see little point in revisiting it. I can't think of an instance in my life when revisiting something like that served any purpose. Just move forward.
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Old 09-03-17, 06:54 PM
  #16  
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Well, yes, you can say "sorry for your loss" and mean it.

You are (in theory) not angry at the remaining relatives, your disagreement was with your father and partly your grandmother. You too might be grieving for your grandmother, or both and possibly the funeral is for you to grieve as well and to get support as it comes. Possibly not everybody who was close to your grandmother is aware of or cares that there was a disagreement and it might be a time to help put all that aside.
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Old 09-04-17, 01:06 PM
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Juan Foote
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Originally Posted by Steve B. View Post
Well, yes, you can say "sorry for your loss" and mean it.

You are (in theory) not angry at the remaining relatives, your disagreement was with your father and partly your grandmother. You too might be grieving for your grandmother, or both and possibly the funeral is for you to grieve as well and to get support as it comes. Possibly not everybody who was close to your grandmother is aware of or cares that there was a disagreement and it might be a time to help put all that aside.
Lol, I didn't begin to get into it. There may be people there whom I am not angry with and wouldn't mind reconnecting with. The issue is that all of my close relatives on that side can basically suck an egg.


We went camping this weekend and sat around discussing with a few good friends. If there were interest from those far off relatives to be in touch, or for me to have been in touch, it would have happened long ago. I gave my kids the address and time for the funeral, they can go if they want. These folks have been dead to me, and their actions going out the door, as well as the actions of those living, proved that they have zero regard for me or my family. No point in going.

Thanks for the comments.
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Old 09-04-17, 02:27 PM
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Depends on the funeral. The living members go for several reasons.

Sir Thomas More: death, judgment, heaven, hell.
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