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Boldly throwing this out there - sexless marriage help

Old 07-27-19, 08:47 AM
  #51  
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Originally Posted by Rage View Post
So, the take-away here, boys and girls, is: Donít get married and/or have children. Got it? Good.
Pretty much, but you forgot one...don't stay with the same partner for too long - you gotta keep things 'fresh'.
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Old 07-27-19, 08:49 AM
  #52  
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Originally Posted by 86az135i View Post
I understand the hardships. My wife has just gradually declined in her libido especially when kids rolled around. Tried a lot, but it's like skating uphill. I don't even bother trying anymore. Feels too forced. I know she loves me by some of the things she does. I hide any resentment, and just focus on the kids and my hobbies. I know she can sense it, and she tries to sometimes be intimate, but I can tell she doesn't really want it. So I shrug it off, generally say I'm too tired, or too busy. I'm already past defeated.

You're not alone.
Thanks. I presumed that others had similar experiences.

I'm hoping that things come good somehow (but not expecting my 20s again!). I don't want to be defeated though.
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Old 07-27-19, 10:03 AM
  #53  
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Hi Jonny,
In all seriousness, I commiserate and hope that things improve. Maybe as your daughter gets older. Your wife might just get tired quicker or more easily nowadays because of the little one. Couple hours of watching my sister’s kids and I get so dizzy I gotta go lie down for a while lol.
Chin up in the meantime, buckaroo, you sound like a good guy.
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Old 07-27-19, 10:56 AM
  #54  
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Best of luck to you Jonny. Hopefully you will be able to come back to this thread & update us soon with some good news.
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Old 08-01-19, 09:17 AM
  #55  
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I was in the same boat, that's why we divorced. I found reviews about best dating sites on https://hookupmasters.com/adult-dati...aughty-review/ and registered on a few dating sites some time ago. It was the right decision. I met so many cool girls there.

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Old 10-13-19, 12:24 PM
  #56  
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Originally Posted by coopman View Post
Best of luck to you Jonny. Hopefully you will be able to come back to this thread & update us soon with some good news.

Well...good news and bad news...


Good news - my wife has reluctantly admitted one of the key factors (besides pregnancy, hormone rollercoasters, toddlers) that is behind this.

Bad news - she has a recollection of being interfered with somehow by her older brother when she was 8 or 9 (he would have been 14 or 15). No great detail, but it has clearly had an effect. Holy Moly.

It's nice to have more of an idea of why, but I'm struggling to comprehend it all.

A lot of work ahead of us.

For the record she is estranged from her brother for other reasons (he's the family con-man - well known) and we live on the other side of the world. This luckily makes it easier to avoid any of the family angst of avoiding each other at family events and having to explain things. It would break her parents to know.
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Old 10-13-19, 01:56 PM
  #57  
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I hope you two find ways to work through this.

Good Luck!
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Old 10-14-19, 10:49 AM
  #58  
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Knowledge is power. I hope, armed with this extra information, that therapy can be more targeted and effective.
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Old 10-14-19, 11:17 AM
  #59  
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Originally Posted by JonnyHK View Post
Boldly going where I probably shouldn't (ie waaaaaaaay TMI), but hopefully someone has some experience and wisdom.
Failing that I'll settle for some quality wise cracks.

Basic situation. Everything as OK as you could expect after almost 20 years together, but after first child things have changed. Wife has had a few medical issues since baby (now 2.5 years old). Erratic periods. Wild hormone issues. Lack of libido (of any sort, not just me). I've been seeing a counselor. My wife has seen a sex-therapy person (WTF filter? A therapy person with an 'apist' gets flagged?).

We're pretty much looking at a sexless relationship. Anything beyond a snuggle and a cuddle risks becoming an awkward teary apology fest. She's wonderful and we love each other (ie absolutely no interest in separating), but it isn't entirely ideal.


WTF do I do now? I seem to be in a position of not being able to win no matter what i do.

Options:
- hold tight and see what happens, avoiding any hint of sexual activity to avoid trouble
- accept that this is what it is and masturbate a lot
- consider the odd visit to 'professionals' to satisfy the carnal urge
- other...

Foo, don't let me down!
There's a Book called the Hormone Zone by Dr Don Colbert : For Male and Female Issues Dr's seem to know little about : It's Bible Based Info So that may turn you off. But if you want your wife turned back on as well as yourself Buy it and read it : I'm 64 Wife is 60 > Going Thru Menopause : The Info Works : She read it , and afterward went to the health Food Store and got some stuff for both of us : What can I say Other then it works : But you need the Book because cures are based on Individual's. Mainly connected to Your Thyroid : ALl Natural stuff. And Pretty Inexpensive : Takes about 30 days and WOW : https://www.christianbook.com/colber...waAnpXEALw_wcB
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Old 10-16-19, 02:02 AM
  #60  
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Originally Posted by JonnyHK View Post
Well...good news and bad news...


Good news - my wife has reluctantly admitted one of the key factors (besides pregnancy, hormone rollercoasters, toddlers) that is behind this.

Bad news - she has a recollection of being interfered with somehow by her older brother when she was 8 or 9 (he would have been 14 or 15). No great detail, but it has clearly had an effect. Holy Moly.

It's nice to have more of an idea of why, but I'm struggling to comprehend it all.

A lot of work ahead of us.

For the record she is estranged from her brother for other reasons (he's the family con-man - well known) and we live on the other side of the world. This luckily makes it easier to avoid any of the family angst of avoiding each other at family events and having to explain things. It would break her parents to know.
That is actually mostly good news... it means she is willing to work with you to resolve this. Take that as a positive sign.
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Old 10-16-19, 03:10 AM
  #61  
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Originally Posted by JonnyHK View Post
Well...good news and bad news...

Good news - my wife has reluctantly admitted one of the key factors (besides pregnancy, hormone rollercoasters, toddlers) that is behind this.

Bad news - she has a recollection of being interfered with somehow by her older brother when she was 8 or 9 (he would have been 14 or 15). No great detail, but it has clearly had an effect. Holy Moly.

It's nice to have more of an idea of why, but I'm struggling to comprehend it all.

A lot of work ahead of us.

For the record she is estranged from her brother for other reasons (he's the family con-man - well known) and we live on the other side of the world. This luckily makes it easier to avoid any of the family angst of avoiding each other at family events and having to explain things. It would break her parents to know.
I don 't typically delve into personal topics in these settings but the above post prompts me. In what I call "another life" I was a counselor and have spent thousands of hours with individuals who have been through similar experiences.

She is dealing with an issue that is all too common, and that is painful in ways most cannot fully articulate. Realize at the front end that her brother's behavior is a statement about him and not about her. The distance from other family is a help, but eventually her need for a sense of wholeness may motivate her to confront them and "give them back their load."

Her memories are likely repressed and will take time to be excavated and dealt with. She can benefit from seeing a professional, and when she is ready, by involvement in a survivors support group. She needs you to stay with her through all of it; the mood changes, physical withdrawal, periods of rage and depression, times of solitude and silence, and times of willingness to talk. The healing process is more of a "crock pot slow" than a "microwave fast" experience. I know a bunch of people who have worked through similar stuff and lead a normal, easy to embrace life every day.

That she has told you this indicates she trusts you with the pain. Stay worthy of that trust. You can work through it together, and become an inseparable couple.
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Old 10-17-19, 06:28 AM
  #62  
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Originally Posted by UmneyDurak View Post
Move to Utah and become Mormon?
That really doesn't explain the Osmonds at all.
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Old 10-17-19, 06:31 AM
  #63  
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damn, JohnnyHK...that's terrible...

but it wasn't about you really

you help her all you can
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Old 10-18-19, 08:26 AM
  #64  
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Qualludes, jagermeister, roxy music 💏
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Old 10-18-19, 08:38 AM
  #65  
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So sorry, sounds like lots of patience will be the key going forward.
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Old 10-19-19, 02:27 PM
  #66  
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Originally Posted by Rollfast View Post
but it wasn't about you really
Secretly - and just between you and me - I think I might be dreadful in bed. Don't tell anyone.

And I'm so glad all the cousins are married. If I got stuck on a table at a wedding sitting beside my brother in law again...
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Old 10-19-19, 02:28 PM
  #67  
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I'm just thinking of a great new thread topic.

"I hate my in-laws/relatives because..."

I think that idea has legs here in Foo.
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Old 10-19-19, 04:34 PM
  #68  
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Not just here......
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Old 10-19-19, 04:59 PM
  #69  
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Thanks to your BIL you are now a re-certified virgin. Sad situation because you are an innocent victim in all of this.
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Old 01-11-20, 03:38 PM
  #70  
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Understand you very good! I had a same story))
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Old 01-11-20, 06:08 PM
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The Biek Forums fastest banning! Those mods are notorious grammar police!
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Old 01-15-20, 04:24 PM
  #72  
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https://helpforpartners.wordpress.com/

Handy resource just in case anyone else is in need.
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Old 01-21-20, 09:13 PM
  #73  
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Good on ya for seeking professional assistance with this. Kids make it hard, I have two myself and it's not easy. It's difficult to make sure everyone is getting what they need including yourself. I don't know what to say other than I wish you the best of luck to you and your family in navigating through this tough time.
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Old 01-25-20, 04:21 PM
  #74  
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Originally Posted by Jpommier View Post
Good on ya for seeking professional assistance with this. Kids make it hard, I have two myself and it's not easy. It's difficult to make sure everyone is getting what they need including yourself. I don't know what to say other than I wish you the best of luck to you and your family in navigating through this tough time.

Thanks.

The worst thing I've discovered is that if you already think someone is a POS and hate them, it's actually quite difficult to hate them more.

When the counselor asked how I felt about my BIL after the revelation about what he did, I had to admit that I was a bit numb about it since he was already pretty much dead to me anyway. It's surprising that what he did hasn't made me volcanic with anger - I think I just sort of sighed inside a bit. Maybe I might have been more angry if this particular revelation came out of the blue.

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