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I'm in a spot of bother ... (marriage problem)

Old 10-03-07, 08:44 AM
  #26  
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The problem might be as simple as she feels you don't talk to her enough. Obviously that has to be the first step.

Thought. Did you forget a birthday or anniversary?
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Old 10-03-07, 08:47 AM
  #27  
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Hi,
read your post, skipped the rest.

My suggestion is couples counseling. Worked for us.
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Old 10-03-07, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by USAZorro View Post
The problem might be as simple as she feels you don't talk to her enough. Obviously that has to be the first step.

Thought. Did you forget a birthday or anniversary?
No, I didn't forget anything like that. Wait .... nope.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:28 AM
  #29  
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Get some monitoring software for the home computer and hire a private detective.........or talk to her - either way
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Old 10-03-07, 09:33 AM
  #30  
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Originally Posted by substructure View Post
I understand, I'm being selfish here. I honestly do. That IS part of the problem.

I appreciate all your responses. The good and bad. I need this.
C'mover here, let me slap you a few times
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Old 10-03-07, 09:34 AM
  #31  
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Sub,

When you start the conversation, remember to ground yourself in the perspective that her happiness is the most important thing to you. That grounding is important so that you don't come off whining about why you aren't getting any .....



e-mails anymore. It is also that grounding that is central to any intimate relationship.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:36 AM
  #32  
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Originally Posted by erraticrider View Post

When you start the conversation, remember to ground yourself in the perspective that her happiness is the most important thing to you.

I just don't get it.



I am prepared to spend the rest of my life alone if the above is true. Every time I tried that emo crap, it backfired.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:37 AM
  #33  
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Yup, just you & Rosie Palm.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:38 AM
  #34  
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Originally Posted by Stacey View Post
Yup, just you & Rosie Palm.


Don't forget Lefty Lucy!



















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Old 10-03-07, 09:40 AM
  #35  
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What's somewhat funny is that the particular problem may be staring you in the face. If you are posting stuff like this on this board, then chances are that you guys may not communicate well. You guys know eachother better than any of us know either of you, and it probably all boils down to needs not being met, yours or hers.

That's hard because instead of posting your first thoughts with us, she ought to be the one to hear them - your true thoughts, not a thought up script of what to say.

My marriage of 8 years goes through times where we feel distant because of something or another. It is partly because we are both stubborn and first born, and partly because we are polar opposites. It's usually when I have been working and going to school and not putting her first. Then, we talk about it and work to make it better. I don't post it all on here before talking to her. That may sound harsh, but if you want to keep your marriage forever you sometimes have to face up to what you need to do and do it. Make her feel like she is the only one on earth, and chances are, she'll eventually do the same. And, keep doing that forever.

I wish you the best.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:43 AM
  #36  
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Originally Posted by crdean1 View Post
Make her feel like she is the only one on earth...


Next time I get in a serious relationship, I'm dropping her off at Anartica.


You know, to preserve that "feeling" that she is the only one...
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Old 10-03-07, 09:44 AM
  #37  
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Originally Posted by Serendipper View Post
I just don't get it.



I am prepared to spend the rest of my life alone if the above is true. Every time I tried that emo crap, it backfired.


Silly, its not emo.


Its just saying that you have to want to know what's up with her, not be focused on telling her how its affecting you.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:49 AM
  #38  
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Originally Posted by erraticrider View Post
Silly, its not emo.


Its just saying that you have to want to know what's up with her, not be focused on telling her how its affecting you.

Oh, I get that. It's called being a good listener.


If you have to trick yourself into making her think she's the center of the universe in order to listen, then so be it.

Why not just work on better and more honest communication? I see NO good in maintaining the charade of a femme-centric worldview. Especially if all the attention is on just the one.

You love her, she loves you...isn't that special? Not really. More of an illusion actually. Successful relations depend on more practical factors.


Like Jeff said, you have to work at it.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:56 AM
  #39  
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Originally Posted by Serendipper View Post
Oh, I get that. It's called being a good listener.


If you have to trick yourself into making her think she's the center of the universe in order to listen, then so be it.

Why not just work on better and more honest communication? I see NO good in maintaining the charade of a femme-centric worldview. Especially if all the attention is on just the one.

You love her, she loves you...isn't that special? Not really. More of an illusion actually. Successful relations depend on more practical factors.


Like Jeff said, you have to work at it.


No, you clearly don't get it. Its not just being a good listener. Its wanting to know whats up with her; that is not the same as listening because you want something for yourself. It radically affects how you understand what you hear.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:56 AM
  #40  
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The 10 year mark is tough on many marriages. It's the point when people look at their lives, what they have accomplished and what the future potential is if they continue down the same path. You're still young enough to make changes and you feel the urgency to do something because you ain't getting any younger. You can almost think of this as the time frame when spouses get their spousal evaluation. Am I still attracted to him/her, are they supportive of me, do they still love me, do we take each other for granted, etc, etc, etc.

The good news is that things are usually salvageable, assuming you have a strong basis to start with. From my experiences in my own marriage and observing others, the number one killer of relationships is taking each other for granted. It's the little things in life that are often left unsaid.

My non-expert advice is to sit down with your wife and ask the hard questions. Then ask her what her dreams and aspirations are. See where you fit and tell her that you'll support her. This is not a one way street, you also have dreams to full-fill and she also has to understand this and support you.

You may be in for a few emotionally difficult months. Hang in their. From someone who's been there, if you need any advice please feel free to ask.

BTW, I've been married for 16 years and we're in a very happy and supportive place ... but not without a lot of work.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:58 AM
  #41  
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Originally Posted by Alfster View Post
The 10 year mark is tough on many marriages. It's the point when people look at their lives, what they have accomplished and what the future potential is if they continue down the same path. You're still young enough to make changes and you feel the urgency to do something because you ain't getting any younger. You can almost think of this as the time frame when spouses get their spousal evaluation. Am I still attracted to him/her, are they supportive of me, do they still love me, do we take each other for granted, etc, etc, etc.

The good news is that things are usually salvageable, assuming you have a strong basis to start with. From my experiences in my own marriage and observing others, the number one killer of relationships is taking each other for granted. It's the little things in life that are often left unsaid.

My non-expert advice is to sit down with your wife and ask the hard questions. Then ask her what her dreams and aspirations are. See where you fit and tell her that you'll support her. This is not a one way street, you also have dreams to full-fill and she also has to understand this and support you.

You may be in for a few emotionally difficult months. Hang in their. From someone who's been there, if you need any advice please feel free to ask.

BTW, I've been married for 16 years and we're in a very happy and supportive place ... but not without a lot of work.
Excellent summary.
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Old 10-03-07, 09:59 AM
  #42  
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Originally Posted by rschulze View Post
Get some monitoring software for the home computer and hire a private detective.........or talk to her - either way
a move that could back fire on yourself, try and explain why you just broke her trust and privacy after you find out that she was never doing anything wrong to begin with.

Last edited by blonduathlongrl; 10-03-07 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:02 AM
  #43  
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Originally Posted by erraticrider View Post
No, you clearly don't get it. Its not just being a good listener. Its wanting to know whats up with her; that is not the same as listening because you want something for yourself. It radically affects how you understand what you hear.



I naturally want to know what's going on with the women in my life. Mother, niece, ex-gf alike.


If you have to force yourself to think of someone when they are talking, then yes...you need to work on your listening skills, amongst other things.

I will say this again...if you lie to yourself and think you don't want something for yourself, then you violate trust AND lower your own status in her eyes.

Women are hardwired to love, respect, and honour strength. If they percieve you as a weak man pandering to her whims, then you probably are.

Check yourself, good luck.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:04 AM
  #44  
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All of this advice and not one mention of a marraige counseler.


They do work wonders, y'know.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:08 AM
  #45  
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Originally Posted by Serendipper View Post
All of this advice and not one mention of a marraige counseler.


They do work wonders, y'know.
post 27
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Old 10-03-07, 10:12 AM
  #46  
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Originally Posted by late View Post
Hi,
read your post, skipped the rest.

My suggestion is couples counseling. Worked for us.

Great post.





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Old 10-03-07, 10:17 AM
  #47  
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Originally Posted by Serendipper View Post
I naturally want to know what's going on with the women in my life. Mother, niece, ex-gf alike.


If you have to force yourself to think of someone when they are talking, then yes...you need to work on your listening skills, amongst other things.

I will say this again...if you lie to yourself and think you don't want something for yourself, then you violate trust AND lower your own status in her eyes.

Women are hardwired to love, respect, and honour strength. If they percieve you as a weak man pandering to her whims, then you probably are.

Check yourself, good luck.

I was noting that the original poster was writing mostly about how he felt. Thus, it was important advice for him.

It also seems to me to be important advice for you, notwithstanding your protestations to the contrary.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:18 AM
  #48  
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Originally Posted by erraticrider View Post
It also seems to me to be important advice for you, notwithstanding your protestations to the contrary.

If you only knew...


...good to see you posting again, btw.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:20 AM
  #49  
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Originally Posted by erraticrider View Post
I was noting that the original poster was writing mostly about how he felt. Thus, it was important advice for him.

It also seems to me to be important advice for you, notwithstanding your protestations to the contrary.

Meh, I can't find a "Observe warnings as state laws" sign.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:21 AM
  #50  
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If you think the OP is a troll, you're worse off than I thought.
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