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I'm in a spot of bother ... (marriage problem)

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I'm in a spot of bother ... (marriage problem)

Old 10-03-07, 10:38 AM
  #51  
substructure
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No troll here. Promise.

Just talking to foosters. Sometimes it helps to get my head right, for whatever may be coming at it, when I get things out.


You know, the web has all kinds of experts. We are all-knowing and stuff.

Seriously, I appreciate everyone's help. Thanks.
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Old 10-03-07, 10:48 AM
  #52  
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I'll be another to suggest counseling. Even great marriages with no problems benefit from having a professional lead you through a tune-up every few years. Marriages with problems can be saved by a professional helping to get things out that might not get to the surface otherwise.
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Old 10-03-07, 11:13 AM
  #53  
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Screw the doctor phil stuff. Handle this just like a bike you cannot, after a reasonable amount of effort, get to perform properly. GET RID OF HER, buy or borrow a new one. About 22 years old for a start (they still giggle at that age) then find an old one with a good job.
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Old 10-03-07, 11:30 AM
  #54  
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Ok, I have sat here. Trying to put my experience into words but it always comes out sounding stupid. So I will just ask you one question.

What are you passionate about? What defines you as a person (your identity)?

(ok, 2 questions then)
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Old 10-03-07, 11:53 AM
  #55  
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Why does he need to talk? ..She is not talking to him, and it sounds like it's his heart that's really in it. Man, time to go wife shopping.. no, scratch that, time for a second bachelorhood. . -then go wife shopping. You sound like a good guy, -that's probably what your problem is.. It is time to be atleast as self-centred as she is, and has been.




*Unless you really screwed something up a while back that you haven't revealed to us yet.. in which case forget about everything I wrote.

Last edited by red house; 10-03-07 at 12:00 PM.
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Old 10-03-07, 11:56 AM
  #56  
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Ok, your taking to long to answer back so I will go on with out you. :-p

My guess is you are not the man she feel in love with. You use to be a man the had a plan. Go do what you were passionate about even if it meant her getting upset.
Now you are a push over. You do the things she wants just to keep her quiet. You have lost your identity. That thing that makes you...YOU.
Ok, now for the weird part. Your marriage is fine. It's sounds like you have a good solid base in which to rebuild. So my suggestion to you is focus on you for awhile. Find that man that you wants were. Be sure and share with her that your realize you are not the man you once were but you are going to try and find him. She also needs to do some soul searching and find what it was that she loved and desired about you.
It's fixable you just got to work at it.

If I am way off base, please disregard all of this. But I would like to know how it goes either way.
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Old 10-03-07, 11:56 AM
  #57  
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Originally Posted by red house View Post
Why does he need to talk? ..She is not talking to him, and it sounds like it's his heart that's really in it. Man, time to go wife shopping.. no, scratch that, time for a second bachelorhood. . -then go wife shopping. You sound like a good guy, -that's probably what your problem is.. It is time to be atleast as self-centred as she is, as has been.
Aren't you the one that was screwing some girl behind her husband's back? Right. Looks like your "relationships" have been successful ones.
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Old 10-03-07, 11:58 AM
  #58  
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Originally Posted by aprilm View Post
Aren't you the one that was screwing some girl behind her husband's back? Right. Looks like your "relationships" have been successful ones.


Well.. atleast I called the cops on her. I do try to live by my own advice, okay?
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Old 10-03-07, 12:02 PM
  #59  
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Originally Posted by Pwnt View Post
Ok, your taking to long to answer back so I will go on with out you. :-p

My guess is you are not the man she feel in love with. You use to be a man the had a plan. Go do what you were passionate about even if it meant her getting upset.
Now you are a push over. You do the things she wants just to keep her quiet. You have lost your identity. That thing that makes you...YOU.
Ok, now for the weird part. Your marriage is fine. It's sounds like you have a good solid base in which to rebuild. So my suggestion to you is focus on you for awhile. Find that man that you wants were. Be sure and share with her that your realize you are not the man you once were but you are going to try and find him. She also needs to do some soul searching and find what it was that she loved and desired about you.
It's fixable you just got to work at it.

If I am way off base, please disregard all of this. But I would like to know how it goes either way.

Sorry, I was working at the time of your post. But, I see your point. I will drink on it.

We do have a solid base. And we have always agreed to make things work - no matter what it takes. We need to fall in love again. If not for a moment to be alone (no kids, no in-laws, no nothing. Just us).

Things right now don't seem like the usual pissed off moment for her. Not a cool off period, if you will. There's something else. And I aim to find out what tonight. God help me.
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Old 10-03-07, 12:03 PM
  #60  
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Originally Posted by red house View Post
Well.. atleast I called the cops on her. I do try to live by my own advice, okay?
call the cops??

arrest this woman! she seduced me!!!!!
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Old 10-03-07, 12:06 PM
  #61  
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Originally Posted by blonduathlongrl View Post
call the cops??

arrest this woman! she seduced me!!!!!

No.. she lied, decieved and manipulated moi.. and then when I called her on it, she beat me. So, I called the POLICE.. -Neither one of us expected that to happen..

Last edited by red house; 10-03-07 at 12:15 PM.
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Old 10-03-07, 12:06 PM
  #62  
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Originally Posted by substructure View Post
Sorry, I was working at the time of your post. But, I see your point. I will drink on it.

We do have a solid base. And we have always agreed to make things work - no matter what it takes. We need to fall in love again. If not for a moment to be alone (no kids, no in-laws, no nothing. Just us).
Probably is what she wants, also. But be careful how you proceed or you might come of looking like all you want is a good roll and that you think it will be all better after that.
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Old 10-03-07, 12:39 PM
  #63  
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You need to open the lines of communication in a major way. Plan sometime for the two of you to talk and make the next steps in fixing this.

If you're going to worry about something, worry about what you know. Talk to her. Get her agreement to fix this relationship and begin investing in each other. You may be surprised if she thinks everything is alright. I would carefully express how you want things to be better, and not point the finger at her for why things aren't the way they were.

Sex is often the first trouble sign a man sees when there are troubles in a relationship. However there are warning signs prior to this, we just often miss them. If you're wife and you aren't talking you aren't emotionally open. If she's not emotionally open with you she's not going to be so physically.

You may wish to seek professional help in order to learn the techniques to better communication.

Remember communication is key.
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Old 10-03-07, 02:50 PM
  #64  
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I agree with "do you talk" and such.

And double plus good agreement with all Serendipper's postage. He's on the money, smelled something of that.

Originally Posted by substructure View Post
No troll here. Promise.

Just talking to foosters. Sometimes it helps to get my head right, for whatever may be coming at it, when I get things out.


You know, the web has all kinds of experts. We are all-knowing and stuff.

Seriously, I appreciate everyone's help. Thanks.
I admit it can do wonders throwing oneself open to the probing glare of teh internets. Self-improvement is a b****. If it ain't difficult you're not doing it right.
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Old 10-03-07, 03:49 PM
  #65  
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Originally Posted by substructure View Post
No troll here. Promise.

Just talking to foosters. Sometimes it helps to get my head right, for whatever may be coming at it, when I get things out.


You know, the web has all kinds of experts. We are all-knowing and stuff.

Seriously, I appreciate everyone's help. Thanks.
thread hijack alert, just wanted to say nice avatar
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Old 10-03-07, 03:52 PM
  #66  
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Originally Posted by Pwnt View Post
Ok, your taking to long to answer back so I will go on with out you. :-p

My guess is you are not the man she feel in love with. You use to be a man the had a plan. Go do what you were passionate about even if it meant her getting upset.
Now you are a push over. You do the things she wants just to keep her quiet. You have lost your identity. That thing that makes you...YOU.
Ok, now for the weird part. Your marriage is fine. It's sounds like you have a good solid base in which to rebuild. So my suggestion to you is focus on you for awhile. Find that man that you wants were. Be sure and share with her that your realize you are not the man you once were but you are going to try and find him. She also needs to do some soul searching and find what it was that she loved and desired about you.
It's fixable you just got to work at it.

If I am way off base, please disregard all of this. But I would like to know how it goes either way.
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Old 10-03-07, 04:20 PM
  #67  
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Im telling ya, go out tonight and pick up a little 23 yo hottie and you wont have the energy to talk, or ride a bike. Geez, we get married, they pound and nag the testosterone out of us. Then they bi$%^ we are not the men we used to be. You man up, let her talk, and for Gods sake DO NOT BUY FLOWERS. I hate Dr Phil.
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Old 10-03-07, 04:21 PM
  #68  
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I hope my wife dont see this she will kick my axx.
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Old 10-03-07, 05:06 PM
  #69  
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On this one, you have to open pandoras box. Either way it goes, you have a right to know. If it turns out somethings going on, maybe counseling can help. If not, then maybe it's something small that somehow got big. If I were you, I would start protecting yourself ( assets) just in case. And document EVERYTHING that has happened, just in case you end up in court. Unfortunately, to many guys wing it in this department and get strung through the washer. The courts usually side on the womans side. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you both....
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Old 10-03-07, 05:13 PM
  #70  
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Mid as well spend it all before she takes it. Party, live it up, chase younger women. At least be in control of your own destiny. By the way, dont listen to a thing I say. I have been divorced so many times I have lost count. But I do have experience. And dont by flowers, it gives them the "power".
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Old 10-03-07, 05:54 PM
  #71  
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Man, I totally sympathize with your pain. I am not a counselor, but I wonder if it could be depression on her part. I know a common symptom is that people withdraw from people they love and things they love doing. In an ironic sort of way, if she is suffering from that problem it could, in a way, be a positive thing, because A) it would mean it's not you; and B) it would be treatable.

I agree with everyone else though, that there is no other solution than to talk to her about it. Something is bugging her, whether it's you or just a rut or imbalance in her life. Also, marriage counseling and other solutions are available, so don't focus solely on whether it will lead to divorce. There is much that can be tried or done first.
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Old 10-03-07, 05:57 PM
  #72  
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Originally Posted by substructure View Post
My marriage isn't doing too well right now. My wife is acting sorta wierd, I'm getting paranoid, and things just don't seem right.

My wife of 10 years:
She use to email me sweet things. She use to want to get close. Actually saying things like, "Well you could hold me you know." While we were in bed watching TV. She wanted to be next to me when I was around. Like wanting me to hangout in the kitchen while she cooked and stuff. And sex doesn't exist. Nothing - nada. Not even a kiss or hug. Last night I got close to her in bed. I rubbed on her back and toosh (which she use to like) but she just laid there. She actually rolled on her back when I stopped.

She's acting distant.

And though I don't see any physical evidence or financial evidence of another man, I'm starting to wonder. She really doesn't have the time. She comes home after work. Our children are with her a good bit of the time. There are no unusual phone calls or numbers that come up on our phones. She's not dressing different or doing anything unusual to her appearance.

But, I'm starting to freak out here. I love her - a lot. I would lose it if I thought she wanted a divorce or separation. She completes me in so many ways.

But I'm a man, and I suck and it's probably my fault so go ahead. Give it to me. Let the questions begin.
.
Why do you think its your fault?? If I recall there are two people in this relationship?? You need to get her alone maybe when the kids are in bed and talk to her. Ask her straight point "what the heck is up?" There is a reason for her being distant not sure what it is but something. Maybe she is having issues with herself, regardless you won't know til you ask her.

I hope the best for you both. 10 years is a long time to just throw in the towel.
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Old 10-03-07, 08:03 PM
  #73  
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You guys need a third party. I.E counselor now. Cruises, flowers, lovey dovey, blah blah blah. They are only masks when there is real issues. Totally great when things are good. Most insurances will cover counseling. If you think marriage and kids are hard, starting counseling will scare the crap out of you. To truly make it work, a good counselor will pull stuff out of you you didn't think was possible. Hardest thing we ever did. Makes you both be honest if it is to work or else you're just blowing off time on someone elses office space. We went for 9 months over a 2 year period. Had some more rough patchs a few years later and went back over some stuff we talked about at the counselor and are on a pretty good ride right now. If you can't bring it up there, you won't do it on your own. They really provide a "safe" place to air it out. Most days we showed up and left seperately but are much better from it. What I liked about ours was we could basically talk directly to the counselor all the things we wanted to say to each other even though we were sitting right next to each other. Nothing like venting forcefully at an innocent person but they eventually steer you towards each other. Even made us comfortable with the decision if we were to split up.
Go, go now.
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Old 10-03-07, 08:10 PM
  #74  
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Originally Posted by substructure View Post
My marriage isn't doing too well right now. My wife is acting sorta wierd, I'm getting paranoid, and things just don't seem right.

My wife of 10 years:
She use to email me sweet things. She use to want to get close. Actually saying things like, "Well you could hold me you know." While we were in bed watching TV. She wanted to be next to me when I was around. Like wanting me to hangout in the kitchen while she cooked and stuff. And sex doesn't exist. Nothing - nada. Not even a kiss or hug. Last night I got close to her in bed. I rubbed on her back and toosh (which she use to like) but she just laid there. She actually rolled on her back when I stopped.

She's acting distant.

And though I don't see any physical evidence or financial evidence of another man, I'm starting to wonder. She really doesn't have the time. She comes home after work. Our children are with her a good bit of the time. There are no unusual phone calls or numbers that come up on our phones. She's not dressing different or doing anything unusual to her appearance.

But, I'm starting to freak out here. I love her - a lot. I would lose it if I thought she wanted a divorce or separation. She completes me in so many ways.

But I'm a man, and I suck and it's probably my fault so go ahead. Give it to me. Let the questions begin.
.
I have to say you honestly care and love your wife, you are overthinking this a bit. Talk to her ask her what's wrong and how you can help her. Did you ever think she could be depressed?. Tell her how you feel about her and whats on your mind. Trust me and everyone here, you will find the answer you have been looking for. I wish you the best of luck man.
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Old 10-03-07, 08:14 PM
  #75  
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Get a penis enlargement. She'll go bonkers when you walk in the room and pull your schlong outta your sock.
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