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substructure 10-03-07 07:47 AM

I'm in a spot of bother ... (marriage problem)
 
My marriage isn't doing too well right now. My wife is acting sorta wierd, I'm getting paranoid, and things just don't seem right.

My wife of 10 years:
She use to email me sweet things. She use to want to get close. Actually saying things like, "Well you could hold me you know." While we were in bed watching TV. She wanted to be next to me when I was around. Like wanting me to hangout in the kitchen while she cooked and stuff. And sex doesn't exist. Nothing - nada. Not even a kiss or hug. Last night I got close to her in bed. I rubbed on her back and toosh (which she use to like) but she just laid there. She actually rolled on her back when I stopped.

She's acting distant.

And though I don't see any physical evidence or financial evidence of another man, I'm starting to wonder. She really doesn't have the time. She comes home after work. Our children are with her a good bit of the time. There are no unusual phone calls or numbers that come up on our phones. She's not dressing different or doing anything unusual to her appearance.

But, I'm starting to freak out here. I love her - a lot. I would lose it if I thought she wanted a divorce or separation. She completes me in so many ways.

But I'm a man, and I suck and it's probably my fault so go ahead. Give it to me. Let the questions begin.
.

Serendipper 10-03-07 07:54 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381117)
But I'm a man, and I suck...



Now hold on there a second hoss....










...thinking this crap, not to mention making a woman (of all things) the center of your life sounds like the root problem.

What else is going on in the world besides her? If you love her, you need to find out.

ModoVincere 10-03-07 07:54 AM

Can you talk to her?
That's the best starting point. Ask her why shes distant. Could be she's just tired from work/kids/house/ what ever else. Don't panic just yet.
And...I feel your pain.

pino pomo 10-03-07 07:55 AM

All you're going to get on here is conjecture. The only way to find the answers to your questions is to ask your wife. You've been married to this woman for 10 years, surely you know how to approach her on a delicate subject.

blonduathlongrl 10-03-07 07:57 AM

my advice would be to tell her all this, only her holds the real answer.
She could be distant for other reasons then some that has anything to do with you, could be stress, the kids, who knows.. sometimes getting to bed sounds so good because it is the only time when we can have alone "me " time when we have kids.

I dont know but I sure would ask her all of this or talk and tell her how much you love her and how much you've been worried about losing her cause she acts different, let her explain why before running all these scenerios in your head.:)

jsharr 10-03-07 07:57 AM

I agree with Modo. There are so many things that could be causing this. Changes at work, pressure from other sources. When my wife gets stressed by work or is feeling overwhelmed due to problems with her mother, she withdraws, gets distant, etc.

You have to talk about this. A marriage takes work, which you know since yours has lasted ten years already. Go to her and express your concerns, along with your desire to improve the marriage and do whatever it takes to make this work.

Stay strong brother, I know how you are feeling.

Jeff

TexasGuy 10-03-07 07:58 AM

Talking
Recourting
Go on a cruise.
Wake up every day planning on how you are going to make this day different fromthe last 10 years of your marriage, for you and your spouse.


Not a shot at you directly, but it It seems most people don't realize that a marriage or relationship gets extremely boring after 5-10 years. Even those people who get bored/depressed quite often times don't realize this and quite often everybody shifts the blame on the other partner.

Stacey 10-03-07 07:59 AM

Maybe it's a..... wait a minute










here it comes...








another...





WOMAN!!!!

There goes the ego right out the door and bar the gate Sally!


Srsly, start a dialog with her.


If I was your wife and knew you were posting our dirty laundry in the interwebs, I'd be all Lorena Bobbit on your ass.

substructure 10-03-07 07:59 AM

Thanks.
And yes, I'm going to open the door to communicate with her.
My fear is what may come out of her mouth. I don't want to hear something that could kill me. But if I don't talk nothing will happen.

blonduathlongrl 10-03-07 08:01 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381193)
Thanks.
And yes, I'm going to open the door to communicate with her.
My fear is what may come out of her mouth. I don't want to hear something that could kill me. But if I don't talk nothing will happen.

all of this is allready making you suffer, rather find out and try and fix it then ignore it and suffer some more.

bluebottle1 10-03-07 08:01 AM


Originally Posted by blonduathlongrl (Post 5381165)
my advice would be to tell her all this, only her holds the real answer.
She could be distant for other reasons then some that has anything to do with you, could be stress, the kids, who knows.. sometimes getting to bed sounds so good because it is the only time when we can have alone "me " time when we have kids.

I dont know but I sure would ask her all of this or talk and tell her how much you love her and how much you've been worried about losing her cause she acts different, let her explain why before running all these scenerios in your head.:)

+1

You two have to talk. It's the only way you can find out what's going on. Don't assume it's your fault, but do try to help. Sometimes talking about a problem alone is a big step.

TexasGuy 10-03-07 08:02 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381193)
Thanks.
And yes, I'm going to open the door to communicate with her.
My fear is what may come out of her mouth. I don't want to hear something that could kill me. But if I don't talk nothing will happen.

Stop caring about yourself for God's sake. Thats probably a tiny part of the problem that led you to this spot of bother.

You married somebody else.
That means their problems, their desires, their goals become yours and vice versa.
You have to be ready for the truth. And that becomes the challenge trying to overcome whatever it is that comes out. But don't dread it, dont' want to hear it. If you don't want to hear it then you've already made up your mind that whatever she says either a) does not exist or b) you will not face.

Serendipper 10-03-07 08:04 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381193)
Thanks.
And yes, I'm going to open the door to communicate with her.
My fear is what may come out of her mouth. I don't want to hear something that could kill me. But if I don't talk nothing will happen.


Don't overthink yourself into the wrong conversation.

Listen. Draw it out of her. Be clever. Protect your own best interests. Don't tell too much. Don't come off as a needy husband. Be cheerful. Laugh in her prescence. Don't go out like a sucker.

Stacey 10-03-07 08:05 AM

What's the worst she could say? "I want a divorce." That ain't gonna kill ya Chumly. Arsenic, a shotgun blast, maybe a train wreck. Yeah, that will kill you. Divorce hurts like hell but you'll live. Thousands do every day.

What if she's just done a breast self exam and found suspicious lumps and is waiting to get to the doctor. Wouldn't you feel like a ****** if she had breast cancer and you were worried all about YOU?

substructure 10-03-07 08:05 AM


Originally Posted by blonduathlongrl (Post 5381202)
all of this is allready making you suffer, rather find out and try and fix it then ignore it and suffer some more.

True. I know, I know.

The thing that bothers me right now - and this is petty, I know. But, we would email little cute things to one another everyday. Yesterday I email her. I asked her if she was OK. No response. And yes, I know this isn't direct communication. But, she read it and ignored it. She has ignored my last few emails. Jesums, it killed me when I found out she read them and just deleted them.

But tonight, I promise, we will talk. With lips and an open heart.

Serendipper 10-03-07 08:06 AM


Originally Posted by TexasGuy (Post 5381211)
Stop caring about yourself for God's sake. Thats probably a tiny part of the problem that led you to this spot of bother.

You married somebody else.
That means their problems, their desires, their goals become yours and vice versa.

:rolleyes:


This sounds like the worst advice I've ever heard regarding anything in life.


How can you give anyone anything of quality once you've abandoned your self for another? What do you do when they (inevitably) withdraw?

Come on, now. Backbones make for good relationships, not bleeding hearts.:)

ModoVincere 10-03-07 08:07 AM


Originally Posted by Stacey (Post 5381225)
What's the worst she could say? "I want a divorce." That ain't gonna kill ya Chumly. Arsenic, a shotgun blast, maybe a train wreck. Yeah, that will kill you. Divorce hurts like hell but you'll live. Thousands do every day.

What if she's just done a breast self exam and found suspicious lumps and is waiting to get to the doctor. Wouldn't you feel like a ****** if she had breast cancer and you were worried all about YOU?

Damn Stacey! I just felt like a ****** after reading that.
Really puts in to perspective how serious things could be and we would not even know it :eek:
Thanks for the reminder.

substructure 10-03-07 08:08 AM

I understand, I'm being selfish here. I honestly do. That IS part of the problem.

I appreciate all your responses. The good and bad. I need this.

jsharr 10-03-07 08:09 AM


Originally Posted by Serendipper (Post 5381236)
:rolleyes:


This sounds like the worst advice I've ever heard regarding anything in life.


How can you give anyone anything of quality once you've abandoned your self for another? What do you do when they (inevitably) withdraw?

Come on, now. Backbones make for good relationships, not bleeding hearts.:)

I have to disagree. There is a difference between having a giving servant heart and having no backbone. I do not think you have to abondon yourself to give selflessly.

Serendipper 10-03-07 08:12 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381240)
I understand, I'm being selfish here. I honestly do. That IS part of the problem.

I appreciate all your responses. The good and bad. I need this.


There's the other kind of selfish...the kind when you fulfill your self until your cup is overflowing, and share the runover with your loved ones.


Don't focus on her so much...don't depend on her for your welfare. Get a new lease on life, and she will get inspired by your spark (whether she is sick or well).


Hope things work out. As Stacey said...there is life after the death of a relationship!

bluebottle1 10-03-07 08:15 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381240)
I understand, I'm being selfish here. I honestly do. That IS part of the problem.

I appreciate all your responses. The good and bad. I need this.

The only selfish act would be not trying to find out what is wrong. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Don't assume your own guilt, or as Serendipper put it very well: Don't overthink yourself into the wrong conversation. If you go in assuming the problem is one thing, then you're not really listening to her, just waiting for confirmation of your own thoughts. Be open-minded and loving. Good luck.

Serendipper 10-03-07 08:16 AM


Originally Posted by jsharr (Post 5381248)
I have to disagree. There is a difference between having a giving servant heart and having no backbone. I do not think you have to abondon yourself to give selflessly.



I tried to clarify with my last post, but do you see what I mean? Women respond differently to men who are "needy".

Men with co-dependant tendencies need to be extremely careful not to fall into the " I live only to serve you" trap, which is a lie. He really wants her to take care of him.


Selfless acts begin with self-fullfullment. If your tank is empty, do I have to call a ride to pick you up so that you can come change my tire?

wolfpack 10-03-07 08:18 AM

well, i'll say, from one who has become distant and feels that she wants out of her marriage now, that you need to talk to your wife. you have no idea what's going on with her if you don't talk to her, to try and communicate with her. it could be like Stacey says, but you won't know unless you talk.

see, i had no communication, no talking to. the more distant i became the less communication i received. he never asked me, in the last 2.5yrs of distance, what's wrong (married 12yr). mine doesn't seem to wanna talk. it's like he's afraid to because he's gonna hear the words he doesn't want to hear. tho, i have told him what's going on with me and how i feel, he doesn't talk....so, well, nevermind, this about you at this time....i really hope things are ok.

suck it up and talk to her before it's too late.

blonduathlongrl 10-03-07 08:18 AM


Originally Posted by substructure (Post 5381227)
True. I know, I know.

The thing that bothers me right now - and this is petty, I know. But, we would email little cute things to one another everyday. Yesterday I email her. I asked her if she was OK. No response. And yes, I know this isn't direct communication. But, she read it and ignored it. She has ignored my last few emails. Jesums, it killed me when I found out she read them and just deleted them.

But tonight, I promise, we will talk. With lips and an open heart.

you dont "suck" like you said, you are one good husband and man, even after 10 years of being with her it kills you if she doesnt answer an email, that is one attentive caring loving husband.

Serendipper 10-03-07 08:21 AM

Can a man send the wrong signals when he cares too much?


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