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The bag piper

Old 04-07-09, 09:11 AM
  #1  
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The bag piper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.



The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop for directions, and finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew was eating their lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.



I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.



I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.



Still eating their lunch, the workers gathered around the grave. I played with all my heart and soul.



As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before. I played everything from "Going Home," "The Lord is My Shepherd," to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.



As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another," Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Old 04-07-09, 09:38 AM
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Old 04-07-09, 11:34 AM
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Geeze, you were actually talking about musical instrument player.

By your thread title I thought you were talking about a bag piper--one of those doctors who reverses vasectomies . . .
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Old 04-07-09, 01:37 PM
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Why do bag pipers march?



To get away from the sound.
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Old 04-07-09, 01:38 PM
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The other day I left my bag pipes in the back seat of my car with the window rolled down. By the time I realized what I'd done it was too late.


Someone had put another bag pipe in the car.
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Old 04-07-09, 01:39 PM
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What's the difference between roadkill snake and roadkill bag pipe?



There are skid marks in front of the snake.
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Old 04-07-09, 01:40 PM
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well done, you bag of wind.
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Old 04-07-09, 01:41 PM
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks
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Old 04-12-09, 03:58 PM
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Perfect pitch: throw a bagpipe into a dumpster and it lands on a banjo
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Old 04-12-09, 03:59 PM
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How can you tell if the stage is level?

Bagpiper drools out of both sides of his mouth.
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Old 04-13-09, 03:27 PM
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Shameless bump, just because these are funny.
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Old 04-14-09, 11:24 AM
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. - Alfred Hitchcock
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Old 04-14-09, 11:25 AM
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I can't believe this dumb thread is still surviving, albeit scarily slowly.

What idiot started this thread anyway?
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Old 04-14-09, 11:38 AM
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
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Old 04-14-09, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
I can't believe this dumb thread is still surviving, albeit scarily slowly.

What idiot started this thread anyway?


What's more amazing...that we're bothering to keep it alive, or that there are this many jokes about bagpipes?
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Old 04-15-09, 12:58 AM
  #16  
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I'm a fan of a Celtic rock group called The Glengarry Bhoys. Over the years they have had various members who played the bagpipes. This video clip features their current piper, Ewan, at 1:45; their previous piper's name was James. Graham is the lead singer. Several years ago, the band had a hilarious moment on stage that brought the show to a complete halt.

Graham (singing softly): Well I went out one May morning, to take a pleasant walk. Sat myself down by an old field wall, just to hear two lovers talk. I did hear two lovers talk, my dear, to hear what they might say...

When the song paused silently before a dramatic tempo change, James started making sheep noises.

Everyone busted out laughing, the band included. When they composed themselves and began again, Graham put his hand over James' mouth at the point where the previous interruption occurred.

When Graham took his hand away, James said, "Smells like sheep" to which Graham replied, "And you know that... how?"

The song is called "P Stands for Paddy".

Bagpipes are the anchovy pizza of the musical world - you either love them or hate them, there's no middle ground. Perhaps its intrinsic due to my combined Irish, Scottish, and Welsh family history, but I love them! I'm talking about the bagpipes, not sheep...
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Old 04-15-09, 01:01 AM
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Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a bagpiper?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A: Serenades.

The bagpipes were actually invented by the Irish, who gave them to the Scots as a joke. The Scots didn't get the joke...
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Old 04-15-09, 01:07 AM
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https://www.bikeforums.net/jokes-humor/
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Old 04-15-09, 10:29 AM
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Who said I was joking?
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Old 04-15-09, 10:57 AM
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And this bad thread still slowly lives on. I'm still baffled. :confused:
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Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
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Old 04-15-09, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
And this bad thread still slowly lives on. I'm still baffled. :confused:
it's noty bad, it's stupid, and in the wrong forum.
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Old 04-15-09, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by AllenG View Post
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
If you could actually do vibrato while piping you'd be really good. Even world champion pipers can't do it. But that's because the reeds aren't actually in your mouth when you play, unlike other woodwinds.

And please, bagpipe is one word, not two.
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