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So I broke up with the girl.

Old 06-15-09, 12:18 AM
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So I broke up with the girl.

Might as well get it out there somewhere. I broke up with my (former) girlfriend this past Thursday. It seems that she got really, really busy with work that she does and her daughter, and I wasn't willing to continue being kicked to the side as I have for the past several weeks. Additionally, because of how everything happened, I lost a lot of my trust in her. (I thought that she started cheating on me, and while I can believe everything that she's dealing with at the moment, there's no reason to not believe she hasn't or isn't doing so.)

There are two things that make this breakup interesting to me. First, the way that I'm handling this is starkly different from all of the other past break-ups I've dealt with or given (which weren't many). I decided that the best way for me to get over this was to go out. A lot. In the past, I would usually let the severance permeate and ****** my socialization and, hence, my abilities to talk to women. However, between cycling, friends, side work, Meetup.com (awesome website), invitations to other stuff, online dating and (soon) school, I figured that I have so many opportunities to go out and have fun that I should be able to keep myself occupied or, better, find other women to date.

Being with her for the last eight months showed me that I absolutely don't want to have a relationship, or at least initially. I also discovered that what I really like is being with women for long periods of time. Honestly, I don't like dating around that much compared to being with one awesome woman that continues being awesome every day, but this might have to do with me being a non-sexual person.

Second, this breakup is the first ever that did not end on a sour note. While she says she wanted to be with me (which her actions showed otherwise, but still make sense somehow), she understood that us being together is not in her best interest right now. I can talk to her really, really easily about anything, but there's really nothing that prevents us from being friends. In fact, the one thing that I regret is that a lot of the plans we made won't carry through (some vacations, trips and such). She's really, really awesome and I care about her and her daughter a lot, but there was very little romantic "chemistry" from either side. This might have to do with me not having "relationship mentality" right now, but at least I don't have to think about it as much anymore. If the chance presents itself, I'd gladly take her back into my life, but being broken up for three days (sort of) and not having dated yet hardly begins to test that.

This is very much in contrast to my last serious relationship, where us being friends is practically impossible. With her, we're either not talking or dying to be with each other, though I think the latter is not very likely (which is probably a good thing). In fact, I still think about her from time to time, and sometimes I even long for her (which is NOT a good thing).

So there it is. Discuss (or not).
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Old 06-15-09, 01:16 AM
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Sounds like she was ready to go at the same time you were.

Something you need to be aware of if you're dating a single mother is that you'll always come second to her child(ren). Now that wouldn't bother me personally, as I've always been fairly independent (in fact, I'm ambivalent about whether or not I really want a girlfriend anyway, but that's another thread), and there's really nothing wrong with her putting her children first. But if you're the sort of guy who needs to be the centre of her world, then it's just not going to happen.

Either way, the best way to deal with it is to simply move on with your life, and take some time to work on yourself and do the things that YOU want to do. That could mean pursuing hobbies, hanging out with friends, working on your career or whatever. In the end, being single for a while (or even forever) isn't the worst thing in the world, so work on yourself for a while. Then when the right woman does come along, you'll be ready for her.
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Old 06-15-09, 01:50 AM
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This thread needs a testosterone injection...stat!

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Old 06-15-09, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Chris L View Post
Sounds like she was ready to go at the same time you were.

Something you need to be aware of if you're dating a single mother is that you'll always come second to her child(ren). Now that wouldn't bother me personally, as I've always been fairly independent (in fact, I'm ambivalent about whether or not I really want a girlfriend anyway, but that's another thread), and there's really nothing wrong with her putting her children first. But if you're the sort of guy who needs to be the centre of her world, then it's just not going to happen.

Either way, the best way to deal with it is to simply move on with your life, and take some time to work on yourself and do the things that YOU want to do. That could mean pursuing hobbies, hanging out with friends, working on your career or whatever. In the end, being single for a while (or even forever) isn't the worst thing in the world, so work on yourself for a while. Then when the right woman does come along, you'll be ready for her.
I've always considered that, and, in fact, gave a lot of credence to that thought before I made my decision. However, putting your child first (which she should, and did!) and still recognizing your boyfriend as such is completely different from putting everything first (which she should, especially when she's got personal goals to reach) and treating your boyfriend like some other guy, particularly one that you don't want around. I'm talking about text messages that go unanswered all of a sudden, especially ones asking to hang out, calls being dropped much more frequently, and (some) days of not hearing from her at all. It got to a point where I was worried that if I didn't initiate conversation somehow, I would feel like I wouldn't hear from her at all. When I start complaining that I'm not getting enough attention, that's a damn good sign to move the hell on out, so I did. I figured that she wanted to spare me the hurt of breaking up (since it damn well hurts), but what I was going through was much, much worse, so I made the decision easy (and it was relatively painless by then anyway).

Now, I've also been in that ambivalent state that you describe practically since I met her. To me, it's pretty annoying, since I don't feel that I can really give any woman my "full" self now, but still feel like I really want to be with someone, though I don't. Thus, I figured that if I go out and just do lots of other things for a while (starting IMMEDIATELY AFTER; as an aside, I had one of the best Friday nights EVER, so things are looking good for me), not only can I occupy my time in meaningful ways and diversify myself some more, but I can also meet women in significantly better situations as opposed to bar-hopping and partying (which I hate doing) and online dating (which I don't, but feels too "targeted" for me right now).

Either way, I know that if I don't do that, this whole process is going to get MUCH worse before it gets better, and I really don't want that to happen.
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Old 06-15-09, 09:20 AM
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The last relationship I had ended because I set her couch on fire. Believe me, I warned her that her constant nagging would yield this type of response from good old Couchy. Couch, you bike too much. Couch, you sleep too much. Couch, you jump on and over couches too much. I had enough folks, so I walked right down to the nearest Stop N Go with my gas can and picked up some 87 octane. As you can tell, it didn't end well.

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Old 06-15-09, 10:07 AM
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What happened to Mudkipz?
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Old 06-15-09, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by MrCrassic View Post
What happened to Mudkipz?
My mudkipz is safe at home, most likely drinking all of my beer and eating the last of my delicious Nathan hot dogs.

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Old 06-15-09, 03:40 PM
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Nathan's dogs are awesome.
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Old 06-15-09, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by MrCrassic View Post
Nathan's dogs are awesome.
I worked in a hotdog factory before. I filled the ingredients bin at the start of the line. I was tossing in huge chunks of fat that had been cut off hogs. Big, white, inches-thick fat with pieces of hide (aka pigskin) still attached. The tool I used to get these pieces of pig fat was yer standard pitchfork. That's right, pitchforking pig pieces. Mmmmmmm.
 
Old 06-15-09, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Chris L View Post
Sounds like she was ready to go at the same time you were.

Something you need to be aware of if you're dating a single mother is that you'll always come second to her child(ren). Now that wouldn't bother me personally, as I've always been fairly independent (in fact, I'm ambivalent about whether or not I really want a girlfriend anyway, but that's another thread), and there's really nothing wrong with her putting her children first. But if you're the sort of guy who needs to be the centre of her world, then it's just not going to happen.

Either way, the best way to deal with it is to simply move on with your life, and take some time to work on yourself and do the things that YOU want to do. That could mean pursuing hobbies, hanging out with friends, working on your career or whatever. In the end, being single for a while (or even forever) isn't the worst thing in the world, so work on yourself for a while. Then when the right woman does come along, you'll be ready for her
.
That is, as my southern friends would say, a truism. As a young man, I was never successful, or comfortable, dating a single mother. The childs needs and wants trump you and your needs in a heartbeat.

I suspect you're quite better off.

Find yourself a single woman who rides.
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Old 06-15-09, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by MrCrassic View Post
Might as well get it out there somewhere. I broke up with my (former) girlfriend this past Thursday. It seems that she got really, really busy with work that she does and her daughter, and I wasn't willing to continue being kicked to the side as I have for the past several weeks. Additionally, because of how everything happened, I lost a lot of my trust in her. (I thought that she started cheating on me, and while I can believe everything that she's dealing with at the moment, there's no reason to not believe she hasn't or isn't doing so.)

There are two things that make this breakup interesting to me. First, the way that I'm handling this is starkly different from all of the other past break-ups I've dealt with or given (which weren't many). I decided that the best way for me to get over this was to go out. A lot. In the past, I would usually let the severance permeate and ****** my socialization and, hence, my abilities to talk to women. However, between cycling, friends, side work, Meetup.com (awesome website), invitations to other stuff, online dating and (soon) school, I figured that I have so many opportunities to go out and have fun that I should be able to keep myself occupied or, better, find other women to date.

Being with her for the last eight months showed me that I absolutely don't want to have a relationship, or at least initially. I also discovered that what I really like is being with women for long periods of time. Honestly, I don't like dating around that much compared to being with one awesome woman that continues being awesome every day,
but this might have to do with me being a non-sexual person.

Second, this breakup is the first ever that did not end on a sour note. While she says she wanted to be with me (which her actions showed otherwise, but still make sense somehow), she understood that us being together is not in her best interest right now. I can talk to her really, really easily about anything, but there's really nothing that prevents us from being friends. In fact, the one thing that I regret is that a lot of the plans we made won't carry through (some vacations, trips and such). She's really, really awesome and I care about her and her daughter a lot, but there was very little romantic "chemistry" from either side. This might have to do with me not having "relationship mentality" right now, but at least I don't have to think about it as much anymore. If the chance presents itself, I'd gladly take her back into my life, but being broken up for three days (sort of) and not having dated yet hardly begins to test that.

This is very much in contrast to my last serious relationship, where us being friends is practically impossible. With her, we're either not talking or dying to be with each other, though I think the latter is not very likely (which is probably a good thing). In fact, I still think about her from time to time, and sometimes I even long for her (which is NOT a good thing).

So there it is. Discuss (or not).
How will you reproduce?
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Old 06-15-09, 04:00 PM
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It seems to me that you two just wanted someone to call your own. If you are looking for females to be friends with, I am sure you will not have a difficult time finding them. If you are not into being in a real relationship, stop calling it that and enjoy yourself with friends. I find it a waste of time when people are in a relationship when there is nothing there. I say this because I was with someone who was good at the beginning and was into doing things but after a while everything was on me including spending money to do things. I earn much much less than he yet he would never offer to foot the bill unless it was to eat crappy food. I gave up and walked away from him with no regrets. He has no motivation or desire to do better in life. Not even to help others. If it is over, it is over. Being friends with ex partners is never a good idea. They no longer need to be in the business and you need be in theirs.
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Old 06-15-09, 04:34 PM
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^

Maybe this is premature (in fact, I would highly wager that it is), but I don't really see a reason as to why I should stop being friends with her. With other women I've been with, that decision was much more evident (and immediate), but she is indeed a great person to be around and I have a lot of fun in her company.

There wasn't a lot of romance involved, but I think that's the big reason why I can still be friends with her. Of course, I'm not talking to her now to give myself the space I need, but there's still a lot of stuff I would really like to do with her. Of course, I could probably find someone else to do them with, so time will tell, I suppose.
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Old 06-15-09, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by MrCrassic View Post
Nathan's dogs are awesome.
Pretty much. Just got home to find the Mudkipz multiplied. Tons of Mudkipz running around now.

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Old 06-15-09, 05:30 PM
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When you have deep emotions and feelings for another and the other for you, that is a relationship. If there was no romance or sex involved, you two were just friends, not boyfriend/girlfriend. For this reason there is nothing wrong with remaining friends. Go on and have fun with her, she may like it. When you are ready to enter a relationship, do it with your head on tight and know what you want from a woman other than a friendship.
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Old 06-15-09, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Omni.Potent View Post
*just tossed my cookies*

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

I think this girl already found a new plumber, more than willing, to lay pipe in her love shack.
You totally took that the wrong way.
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Old 06-15-09, 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by MrCrassic View Post
You totally took that the wrong way.
He did, but your reply to my post above suggests he might have got the right answer in the end. It sounds like she has (or had) someone else in her mind, so yes, it's best to move on. Also, if you're in a situation where it always seems like you "have to call her" to have any interaction, it's actually best not to call. Wait for her to call you, and if she doesn't, you know then that it's basically over, plain and simple. Oh yeah, and one other thing, if you remain "friends" with her, always remember that friends pay for their own dinners, as opposed to expecting their partner to pick up the tab.
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Old 06-15-09, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Chris L View Post
He did, but your reply to my post above suggests he might have got the right answer in the end. It sounds like she has (or had) someone else in her mind, so yes, it's best to move on. Also, if you're in a situation where it always seems like you "have to call her" to have any interaction, it's actually best not to call. Wait for her to call you, and if she doesn't, you know then that it's basically over, plain and simple. Oh yeah, and one other thing, if you remain "friends" with her, always remember that friends pay for their own dinners, as opposed to expecting their partner to pick up the tab.
Lol; if anything, she'll probably pay for me. But you're right, and it'll take a little bit of time, but with the way things are looking right now, I'll fully recover very, very quickly.
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Old 06-15-09, 10:50 PM
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yeah this kind of sounds like what im going through...i may be young but i know for a fact what love is...trust me on that one , i thought i was going to have a future with my one girl, then all of a sudden she dumps me cause SHE never talks to me? ahah i really dont get taht at all. but im trying to forget about this and move on, but i just cant. normally i would try to forget about being dumped by a nice girl by hanging with friends. but ive changed my habits and my old frinds didnt so i dont want to hang out with them. but my best friend is grounded till the end of summer so im pretty screwed ahaha ,still i try to make it work out for the best. but yeah, i think we all should just move on, like that weird famous saying, when one door closes another opens....something along those lines haha
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Old 06-15-09, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Omni.Potent View Post
Yeah, women what to be romanced and foreplay can start the moment you two get up in the morning. But at the end of the day, if you ain't shove'n your log in her fireplace, drill'n for oil, pound'n the panda, go on bush patrol, storm the trenches, etc, etc,... (excuse all the crude euphemism) , she WILL find someone who can.

Incorrect.
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Old 06-16-09, 12:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Siu Blue Wind View Post
Incorrect.
Something that can?
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Old 06-16-09, 12:20 AM
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Awww sorry Crassic. Whether it was good, or bad towards the end or whatever - I know how it is to have or be in a relationship. And there are times when it was, meh -but other times it was good - like going to a picnic with 3 other couples. I, quite frankly, am tired of that whole biz because I am without a partner.

sigh.

We'll find someone.
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Old 06-16-09, 12:23 AM
  #23  
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Originally Posted by Omni.Potent View Post
I am big enough to admit I'm wrong, so clarify for me what "being non-sexual" means to you.

I took it as sex isn't a big part of the relationship for you.



Given what the OP said in his first paragraph, and add "being non-sexual", I can't help but feel she's moved on to someone else before the break up.

Yeah, women what to be romanced and foreplay can start the moment you two get up in the morning. But at the end of the day, if you ain't shove'n your log in her fireplace, drill'n for oil, pound'n the panda, go on bush patrol, storm the trenches, etc, etc,... (excuse all the crude euphemism) , she WILL find someone who can.


Man alive - you just failed so bad here (with the wimmen anyway)!!!!
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Old 06-16-09, 06:51 AM
  #24  
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Originally Posted by Omni.Potent View Post
LOL, I know..... my comments wouldn't be looked upon to favorably with most wimminz.

But I find women tend to say one thing about what they like in a man, but they are always with a man of opposite character. IE, they say the kind, sensitive, caring man is what they want, but it's the bad boy who treats them like crap is who they gravitate to.
Winner. In politics, and relationships. people do not respond well to the truth.
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Old 06-16-09, 07:13 AM
  #25  
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Originally Posted by Omni.Potent View Post
Yeah, women what to be romanced and foreplay can start the moment you two get up in the morning. But at the end of the day, if you ain't shove'n your log in her fireplace, drill'n for oil, pound'n the panda, go on bush patrol, storm the trenches, etc, etc,... (excuse all the crude euphemism) , she WILL find someone who can.
Ladies, I think he means that if a guy doesn't have the balls to make a move, most women will move on. I find this true where I'm concerned.

However, Omni, this post couldn't be more incorrect:

Originally Posted by Omni.Potent View Post
but it's the bad boy who treats them like crap is who they gravitate to.
Maybe in your experience, that's the case.

Also, MrC, if you think of yourself as "non-sexual", that's how other females will view you, which is not good, and will only lead to more unsuccessful relationships.
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