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Part Two: Let it go... no not the Disney movie...

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Part Two: Let it go... no not the Disney movie...

Old 02-12-15, 03:37 PM
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Part Two: Let it go... no not the Disney movie...

As a followup to Siu Wind's discussion about being an adult and letting things go... would be interested in everyone's response. I think in responding to SWB's thread, I already answered my question but would appreciate hearing what others would do:

Mentioned this before, my mother passed away and in resolving the estate, we uncovered, discovered and figure out some very horrible things one sister (thre are three of us) did to my parents, to her siblings and others... we (the other sister and myself) know enough but don't know all the details and frankly only know a small portion of everything that occurred or took place.

Yes, I would like to know everything and no, there is probably no way to ever will so I have to let it go but... after all is said and done (right now I just want to get the house sold and estate settled) should I finally just out and out ask her? Part of me wants to give her an opportunity to confess and come clean; ask forgiveness but I know she won't and frankly she won't tell us anyway but should I still ask? I want to know what she and her husband did with all the money and personal items they stole (we think there is a drug problem) and what she plans to do with the money from the sale of the house and remaining personal items. Of course, you can't get a answer from a crazy person... so most likely after the house sales (it's in escrow) and the estate is settle, I will just have one less sister and go on my merry way...
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Old 02-12-15, 03:44 PM
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Let it go. Or put a lawyer between you and her. (Which I think you already did?) Wash your hands of her yesterday, and move along with your life. Don't let her harm you anymore by being in your thoughts in a bad way. Forgive her in your heart, and let her know the same.

... or crush her like a bug.

But confronting her about this will probably get you nowhere and I doubt she'll ever get as far as coming completely clean with you. Not after doing what she did and lying about it all along. What you give as options seems to me like pulling a bandaid off slowly.
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Old 02-12-15, 08:19 PM
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My 2 cents . . from your post it seems like the relationship is already damaged, so there's nothing to loose by asking. I'd say you and your other sibling should go together and show her the evidence, and politely ask her to explain herself. If she gets defensive, combative, and just won't answer, let her know where you can be reached in case she wants to talk, then just walk away.

If the activities she was engaging in have some criminal element (physical or financial), and the evidence is clear, I wouldn't hesitate to take it to the police before she victimizes someone else.
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Old 02-13-15, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by moochems View Post
Protect yourself, forgive your sister. Don't take it personal. She probably had the best reasons in the world (according to her paradigm) to do what she did, and if you were in her shoes you may have done the same things too.

If you genuinely think she has unaddressed mental illness, consider if you are capable of influencing her into treatment.
First thank you everyone for the insight...

I think the one thing that bothers me most is that I believe, and have always believed (since we were little kids) that the "evil" sister has a mental illness. Almost everyone who meets her says the same thing (or asks me if she is on drugs). I have suggested to her before that she find a good therapist if not for her for her son who has dx'd mental illness which they are not treating (weird religious reasons).

I guess I sit back, protect myself (which is good advice) and let things happen. I hate to see the sister and her husband (who is even more nutty) destroy the lives of their children but I don't have the power to intervene or change anything (especially now that the children are adults).

Was there criminal wrongdoing? Must likely but it would take time, effort and litigation to prove it. I just want to move on... I forgive her and her husband cause I have to in order to go on with my life and the people most wronged are now dead. I think what I might do is just let my sister and her husband know we did discover some of what was done and its enough to end any relationship that existed but if she wants to come forward and confess, I am willing to listen... doesn't seem there is anything else I can do.

PS people: If you have elderly parent(s) and siblings, as distasteful as it seems, sit down with the parents and discuss all the arrangements they have made vis a vis their passing. Know where all the documents and information are. If necessary, get access to their financial inforamtion and records and monitor activity. Had I done this I would have noticed years earlier all the money my sister was moving out of my parents' checking nad savings account. Another thing my sister did was take my parents to an attorney (my dad was in late stages alzheimers at the time and already deemed incompetent) and had them deed their house over to her. Just before my mother died, her checking account was almost nil. My mother mentioned she would just sell the house in order to get more mney. Little did my mother know she hadn't owned the house for over 3 years! I suspect my sister and her husband would have just tossed her out and taken the hosue from her (and us which is why an attorney was needed to straighten things out).

Anyway... thanks for "listening" soon this will all be over... poor mom and dad... they would have been so disappointed by my sister's behavior.
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Old 02-13-15, 12:11 PM
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My father was a real estate and trust lawyer for many years, and he often said the only way to avoid hard feelings when it came to estates was to have a third (neutral) party settle the estate. Joint ownership of things often leads to hard feelings too. It seems like you really only have one choice as you mentioned above, I hope it works out for you and the other sibling.
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Old 02-13-15, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by no motor? View Post
My father was a real estate and trust lawyer for many years, and he often said the only way to avoid hard feelings when it came to estates was to have a third (neutral) party settle the estate. Joint ownership of things often leads to hard feelings too. It seems like you really only have one choice as you mentioned above, I hope it works out for you and the other sibling.
I'll respectfully disagree. Already seen both pairs of grandparents die and no hard feelings. I expect the same when mom passes.

The key is raising decent children.

I have however seen a neutral 3rd party completely screw over a widow.
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Old 02-13-15, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Keith99 View Post
The key is raising decent children.
That's very important, but there's nothing like adding a layer of financial stress over the existing grief from the passing of a loved one to help bring out the worst in people.

Last edited by no motor?; 02-13-15 at 05:38 PM.
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Old 02-13-15, 12:30 PM
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I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I can only imagine how disappointing and sad it would be to have a sibling take advantage of your parents, and her other siblings. Disgraceful!

A person's traits are deeply embedded into their personality later in their adulthood. My guess is that you'll have to move on, hoping that she will come to you with an apology at some point in time. I wouldn't expend too much energy into trying to extract an apology. It won't come from the heart unless she initiates it.
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Old 02-13-15, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Keith99 View Post
The key is raising decent children.

.
Keith... this is better said than done... my sister and I were caught totally surprised by the actions of the third sister... we had no clue until my mother died and we tried to settle things up. You can't asssume EVER that people will do the right thing and that everyone is good, kind and forthright. My suggestion was to just make sure everything is set forth in writing before hand. All parties have copies of the trust/will (in my case there was a will, in the safe deposit box but crazy sister got there first removed and destroyed it). No one else, including the attorney who drafted the will, had a copy.

I have a will and have given copies of it to all parties that benefit. In that will I have made things clear as to what needs to be done and who is in charge. I want there to be no questions when the time comes...
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Old 02-13-15, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Alfster View Post
... It won't come from the heart unless she initiates it.
Agreed.
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Old 02-13-15, 02:26 PM
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If I was truly hoping for reconciliation I would offer this: Tell your sister that you would like to talk about some issues, but that you will only do it in the presence of a qualified neutral third party. If by some miracle she agreed, I would find a competent and trusted counselor to mediate the discussion. If it was me I would cover all expenses and just hope she showed up. This would be the only true way to avoid one-sided arguments and yelling matches.

For me though, likely I would just follow advice above. Forgive and try to forget, but protect yourself at all times and don't give her an inch of wiggle room to pull stunts.
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Old 02-13-15, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by no motor? View Post
That's very important, but there's nothing like adding a layer of financial stress over the existing grief from the passing of a loved one to make a help bring out the worst in people.
My brother and two sisters did a smart thing and asked my Mom to take us out of her will a few years before she passed. We figured we're all old and comfortable and the grand kids can use it more than we can.
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Old 02-13-15, 03:16 PM
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Without knowing details it's hard to say, but it definitely sounds like you should try to let a mediator/lawyer get it all settled. Confronting her will likely just put her on the offensive. After it's all settled, bite her head off. If there's actual stealing still going on from your parents' estate, it'd be worth a couple hundred bucks to set up some cameras to catch them in the act, no? If not monetarily, to prove her character if it's so. If they've been accessing accounts or anything there will obviously be records of that.
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Old 02-13-15, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by BenzFanatic View Post
Without knowing details it's hard to say, but it definitely sounds like you should try to let a mediator/lawyer get it all settled. Confronting her will likely just put her on the offensive. After it's all settled, bite her head off. If there's actual stealing still going on from your parents' estate, it'd be worth a couple hundred bucks to set up some cameras to catch them in the act, no? If not monetarily, to prove her character if it's so. If they've been accessing accounts or anything there will obviously be records of that.
as to the finanical issues' house etc. attorneys are involved and a lawsuit was filed. Waste of time and money but it was necessary. Sister and her attorney understand the "pickle" they are in and so we have been able to get the house sold and the proceeds will be divided equally. As to the money stolen, long gone; can't get it back or least as part of the negotiation to sell the house we have agreed not to seek compensation (loss of aproximately $90,000).

That part was easy... its the relationship and dealing with the emotional aftermass of knowing how my parents were physically, mentally and financially abused (and the guilt on my part for being so trusting and ignorant). They are gone and will never know what was done. We do, and its been hard to forgive but I have to...
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Old 02-13-15, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Pamestique View Post
as to the finanical issues' house etc. attorneys are involved and a lawsuit was filed. Waste of time and money but it was necessary. Sister and her attorney understand the "pickle" they are in and so we have been able to get the house sold and the proceeds will be divided equally. As to the money stolen, long gone; can't get it back or least as part of the negotiation to sell the house we have agreed not to seek compensation (loss of aproximately $90,000).

That part was easy... its the relationship and dealing with the emotional aftermass of knowing how my parents were physically, mentally and financially abused (and the guilt on my part for being so trusting and ignorant). They are gone and will never know what was done. We do, and its been hard to forgive but I have to...
Ah, my apologies. While I probably can't tell you anything you don't already know, consider that it may be unhealthy to try to force forgiveness. And I know it's impossible to just stop having a feeling, but that guilt you're feeling is basically victim guilt. Seems to me that in order to really move past it, you'll have to confront her at some point.

Last edited by BenzFanatic; 02-13-15 at 04:56 PM. Reason: speeling
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Old 02-13-15, 05:45 PM
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People such as your sister rely on others' forgiveness to perpetrate their behaviour. Often the forgiveness is used as a justification for wrong-doing -- the rationalisation is that's the behaviour is OK because others accept it.

She might be your sister, but you can do without her in your life (especially if she is drug dependent). Stop feeling guilty about it. That is probably the worst part of it all -- that you bear the guilt for someone else's crimes. Ask yourself, does she feel guilty... at all?
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