Opposite Gender Cycling Friends
#1
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Opposite Gender Cycling Friends
So I'm a married 40ish woman who loves cycling (might say a bit obsessive). Over the last few years I have gotten better at cycling and now can ride and keep up with some of the faster men in my local riding group. I really enjoy riding with the group in the paceline, feel like a get a good workout and have some other people I can talk to about cycling (something my husband doesn't want to talk about). My husband doesn't like me out riding with men, he wants me to stick with the women, which doesn't work for me because they are too slow. I've tried different groups, but they all seem to be slower and/or I don't ride well with them. I would love it if he would just come with, but his fitness level doesn't allow him to ride in groups. Am I doomed to ride alone? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to address this that will make him comfortable with my opposite gender riding partners?
#2
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It isn't appropriate for a married woman or man to spend lots of time with members of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that something will happen, just that it isn't appropriate behavior and we have to "guard our hearts." It would not be appropriate for him to spend time with a group of women every weekend.
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
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It isn't appropriate for a married woman or man to spend lots of time with members of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that something will happen, just that it isn't appropriate behavior and we have to "guard our hearts." It would not be appropriate for him to spend time with a group of women every weekend.
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
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This is a tough one. Your husband has given you an ultimatum. Choose your cycling club or him. Obviously your marriage is more important than any cycling club but it would be nice if he would be more understanding.
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It isn't appropriate for a married woman or man to spend lots of time with members of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that something will happen, just that it isn't appropriate behavior and we have to "guard our hearts." It would not be appropriate for him to spend time with a group of women every weekend.
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
Seriously WTF? This is not 1620.
Here in the real world, women aren't subjects or property of their men and can ride bikes with whoever the hell they choose to. If a spouse has a problem with that, the spouse has a problem and there are serious trust issues that need to be worked out.
But good lord...women shouldn't associate with men? Have you been outside since the Revolution? (I mean the one in 1776, not the sexual revolution in the 70's)
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It isn't appropriate for a married woman or man to spend lots of time with members of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that something will happen, just that it isn't appropriate behavior and we have to "guard our hearts." It would not be appropriate for him to spend time with a group of women every weekend.
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
-Tim-
Either your husband trusts you and trusts your judgement to decide who to spend your time with, or he doesn't. That's very much a personal and marital issue. How does he feel about you working in a workplace that includes both men and women?
I would encourage you to continue riding with the people you enjoy riding with. If your husband continues to object, invite him to come along. If he's not into cycling (or can't keep up), invite him to come by for the pre- or post-ride coffee/beer/whatever your folks like to do before and after rides. Let him see first hand that cycling is about cycling.
BB
FWIW, my wife is strictly a casual cyclist. She doesn't worry about me riding with women nearly as much as she worries about me coming home with another bike. I think she'd be more comfortable with me riding with a team of lingerie models than she would be with me riding with a bike salesman or shop owner!
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Formerly fastest rider in the grupetto, currently slowest guy in the peloton
Formerly fastest rider in the grupetto, currently slowest guy in the peloton
#9
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FWIW, my wife is strictly a casual cyclist. She doesn't worry about me riding with women nearly as much as she worries about me coming home with another bike. I think she'd be more comfortable with me riding with a team of lingerie models than she does me riding with a bike salesman or shop owner!
I know how this scenario plays out.
You: Honey, I have something to confess. I went to the bike shop today...
Wife: Did you buy another bike?
You: Uh...no...I met a beautiful blonde at the store and we had a torrid affair!
Wife: Well we love each other and we can work through this.
You: I lied. I bought a new bike.
Wife: I want a divorce.
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Men and women should ride with who ever they want and who they feel comfortable with. PERIOD. I could go on and on about this but won't. I believe your husband is wrong as well as one of the previous poster. My 0.02% worth.
#11
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i think it shouldn't be an issue but it often is. i used to ride alone until a co-worker started riding with me. we are of opposite sexes and frankly it did turn into a romance. the difference here is that we both rode alone before and we rode together just as a duo instead of a group ride. i would think that you want to do is akin to joining a bowling league or something of that sort. personally i think its healthy to have disparate interests in a relationship.
#12
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Oh good grief. This is horrible advice.
Either your husband trusts you and trusts your judgement to decide who to spend your time with, or he doesn't. That's very much a personal and marital issue. How does he feel about you working in a workplace that includes both men and women?
I would encourage you to continue riding with the people you enjoy riding with. If your husband continues to object, invite him to come along. If he's not into cycling (or can't keep up), invite him to come by for the pre- or post-ride coffee/beer/whatever your folks like to do before and after rides. Let him see first hand that cycling is about cycling.
BB
FWIW, my wife is strictly a casual cyclist. She doesn't worry about me riding with women nearly as much as she worries about me coming home with another bike. I think she'd be more comfortable with me riding with a team of lingerie models than she would be with me riding with a bike salesman or shop owner!
Either your husband trusts you and trusts your judgement to decide who to spend your time with, or he doesn't. That's very much a personal and marital issue. How does he feel about you working in a workplace that includes both men and women?
I would encourage you to continue riding with the people you enjoy riding with. If your husband continues to object, invite him to come along. If he's not into cycling (or can't keep up), invite him to come by for the pre- or post-ride coffee/beer/whatever your folks like to do before and after rides. Let him see first hand that cycling is about cycling.
BB
FWIW, my wife is strictly a casual cyclist. She doesn't worry about me riding with women nearly as much as she worries about me coming home with another bike. I think she'd be more comfortable with me riding with a team of lingerie models than she would be with me riding with a bike salesman or shop owner!
#13
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Invite the male cyclists in your group to live in your home for a few months. When your husband sees that everyone else is living, breathing and sleeping cycling, he will be forced to "get with the program". He will also see that nothing "unseemly" is happening between you and his thirteen new friends.
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This.
I know how this scenario plays out.
You: Honey, I have something to confess. I went to the bike shop today...
Wife: Did you buy another bike?
You: Uh...no...I met a beautiful blonde at the store and we had a torrid affair!
Wife: Well we love each other and we can work through this.
You: I lied. I bought a new bike.
Wife: I want a divorce.
I know how this scenario plays out.
You: Honey, I have something to confess. I went to the bike shop today...
Wife: Did you buy another bike?
You: Uh...no...I met a beautiful blonde at the store and we had a torrid affair!
Wife: Well we love each other and we can work through this.
You: I lied. I bought a new bike.
Wife: I want a divorce.
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Formerly fastest rider in the grupetto, currently slowest guy in the peloton
Formerly fastest rider in the grupetto, currently slowest guy in the peloton
#15
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Thanks for this, that's a good idea if the group I ride with did any socializing, which they don't. We don't get coffee/drinks or anything pre or post ride, which is another reason I don't understand the problem. I'm not 'socializing' with these guys outside of cycling/fitness discussions during the rides, I get a lot of advice from them on how to get better, that's about it. From the spending aspect, I guess I'm lucky that way he doesn't seem to care how much I've spent on bikes, gear, upgrades etc. over the last few years.
Come to think of it, if your husband is a real alpha male, and you're riding with racers, he may be a lot less worried about your riding companions when he sees that we're a bunch of diet obsessed leg shavers with the arms of girl scouts.
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Formerly fastest rider in the grupetto, currently slowest guy in the peloton
Formerly fastest rider in the grupetto, currently slowest guy in the peloton
#16
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When I was riding motorcycles in the foothills of the Sierras, there was a couple I used to ride with. Sometimes the husband would not go with us and my wife did not think it was appropriate for me to be out riding with her alone. She was/is a competent rider and we both enjoyed the same kind of roads and rode many times together.
I don't think my wife thought we were fooling around or anything. More like she was jealous that I had a passion for something that I shared with another woman. She never got used to it but I think she also realized that we are not going to enjoy everything that the other does and it's ok to have some interests/activities that you're spouse has no interest in. As long as it doesn't start to take you away from your spouse for too much time, I don't see why they shouldn't get over it.
I don't think my wife thought we were fooling around or anything. More like she was jealous that I had a passion for something that I shared with another woman. She never got used to it but I think she also realized that we are not going to enjoy everything that the other does and it's ok to have some interests/activities that you're spouse has no interest in. As long as it doesn't start to take you away from your spouse for too much time, I don't see why they shouldn't get over it.
#17
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It is a shame your husband is not a source of support and encouragement for your activities. Especially an activity you find so rewarding and which also has health benefits. Whatever his issue may be, I suggest you put some thought into the source of that issue so that you may find a way to defuse it. This of course will be much harder than keeping up with the fast group.
#18
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You could still ask him to drop you off or pick you up. It's harder to be jealous of people you've met than it is some imaginary stranger you're sure is attractive in all the ways you aren't.
Come to think of it, if your husband is a real alpha male, and you're riding with racers, he may be a lot less worried about your riding companions when he sees that we're a bunch of diet obsessed leg shavers with the arms of girl scouts.
Come to think of it, if your husband is a real alpha male, and you're riding with racers, he may be a lot less worried about your riding companions when he sees that we're a bunch of diet obsessed leg shavers with the arms of girl scouts.
#19
Full Member
It isn't appropriate for a married woman or man to spend lots of time with members of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that something will happen, just that it isn't appropriate behavior and we have to "guard our hearts." It would not be appropriate for him to spend time with a group of women every weekend.
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
The fact that your husband brought it up means there is already a problem. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but marriage comes first.
rob
#20
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In my view it shouldn't be a problem. My spouse is a professional scientist, so there's a high likelihood that she spends lots of time with members of the opposite sex. My mom is also a scientist, and my daughter is probably heading in the same direction. I don't want to live in a society with rules for separating the sexes. Separate is always unequal. People have to figure out how to behave themselves.
#21
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Your husband obviously has some insecurity issues. Those ought to be addressed first through dialogue, and perhaps therapy.
Sure, it's the 21st century and women and men can have platonic relationships without the complication of romance. But I can also see how some would find the idea of his/her spouse spending a lot of time with a whole group of people of the opposite gender a little bit worrisome. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't like to do for the sake of the relationship. Anyone who says otherwise is probably not in a relationship.
Edit: I'm assuming you're the only woman in the group.
Sure, it's the 21st century and women and men can have platonic relationships without the complication of romance. But I can also see how some would find the idea of his/her spouse spending a lot of time with a whole group of people of the opposite gender a little bit worrisome. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't like to do for the sake of the relationship. Anyone who says otherwise is probably not in a relationship.
Edit: I'm assuming you're the only woman in the group.
#22
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OK, I'll be the first one to say it.
I don't believe you.
A brand new member, your first thread AND first post and what do you discuss? You do something a lot better than your husband and you have to hang out with a bunch of guys to do it and your jealous husband doesn't like it. Oh, NO! What do you do?! Oh, please. If anyone used any kind of critical thinking instead of just reacting, they would see this has nothing to do with cycling. The cycling is just a backdrop for your troll thread.
But hey, this will probably go at least 13 pages unless a mod looks into it and shuts you down.
I don't believe you.
A brand new member, your first thread AND first post and what do you discuss? You do something a lot better than your husband and you have to hang out with a bunch of guys to do it and your jealous husband doesn't like it. Oh, NO! What do you do?! Oh, please. If anyone used any kind of critical thinking instead of just reacting, they would see this has nothing to do with cycling. The cycling is just a backdrop for your troll thread.
But hey, this will probably go at least 13 pages unless a mod looks into it and shuts you down.
#23
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Unlike the person immediately above, I'll take your post at face value, and say it's simply something to discuss with your husband. As long as your cycling friends are just that, and no more than casual social friends, he doesn't have a beef. But you have to thrash it out with him if you care about the marriage.
Otherwise, I guess you'll have to seek out a strong riding group consisting exclusively of gay males.
Otherwise, I guess you'll have to seek out a strong riding group consisting exclusively of gay males.
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An ounce of diagnosis is worth a pound of cure.
Just because I'm tired of arguing, doesn't mean you're right.
“One accurate measurement is worth a thousand expert opinions” - Adm Grace Murray Hopper - USN
WARNING, I'm from New York. Thin skinned people should maintain safe distance.
#24
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I think the other women in the group need to step up their game
#25
Calamari Marionette Ph.D
It isn't appropriate for a married woman or man to spend lots of time with members of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that something will happen, just that it isn't appropriate behavior and we have to "guard our hearts." It would not be appropriate for him to spend time with a group of women every weekend.
Sorry Tim, but that is hogwash man.
When a married person has an emotionally romantic or physical relationship with a person other than their spouse, that is inappropriate. Riding a bicycle with friends is not inappropriate behavior for a married person.
As for the relationship already having a problem, I agree. The husband is insecure.