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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Old 01-30-19, 11:55 AM
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Old 01-30-19, 11:57 AM
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I think @gugie sent his wife and kids off to the inlaw's house, then invited his bike friends over.

When my Dad was alive, my parents would have numerous University parties, and I don't think there was any restrictions on what would be discussed at the parties.

However, the general rule at home, other times, was no work discussions at the dinner table. Talk about mutual interests.
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Old 01-30-19, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by avole

3) Spoil her for her birthday, realise what she means to you, and build on your common interests. It takes two to tango, and you need to look at that

Last year when this happened, it was a few months after her Bday. For hers, turning 30, I invited exactly who she wanted, had exactly the food she wanted.

But, I also arranged a theme for everything from the year of her birth. I spent a good amount of time custom adopting the "catchphrase" game to only clues from her birth year. I printed out and cut up and laminated the playing pieces. I had everyone dress in 80s outfits and threw on some popular 80s music from the time.

Everyone had a grand time.

So, on this point. It's not that I don't appreciate other people or don't go out of my way to show them I care.

My takeaway is that I should have managed the inclusive nature of the group who was there, and filtered out the group a little better to begin with.

I had hoped that my party would be better this past year. In the past, I had lots of no shows and folks leave super early. I had built a fire pit one year at our old house for folks to sit around. I had the booze and meat grilled. About 4 of the people we had invited showed up, and those were pretty much all family anyway. Everyone was gone before I had even gotten a good burn going in the pit. Lots of leftover booze and grill meat. Lots of invite "maybes" and no-shows.

Guess I blew my shot at trying to make up for it.

I hadn't considered sending them off to the in-laws to hold a meeting of the crazies. I wonder if that would have went better.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:05 PM
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Wait what? I'm reading that you went totally out of your way to accommodate your wife on her birthday. It seems to me that the effort should be reciprocated.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoonrobot
Your wife is wrong.

It's time to seriously consider who you are and what you want in life. Your wife chose to act in such a way to destroy your enjoyment of an activity very dear to you as well as impair your strong positive relationships with other people. This is extremely toxic behavior. If you cannot find a common appeal to your wife that makes her understand she is wrong and needs to correct her behavior, it's worthwhile to shop around for a therapist who can assist you in creating an argument that will appear to her emotional side.

Double down on the group riding. A life cannot be lived in a healthy enjoyable manner with someone who would choose such an overreaction to a benign event. You need to stay in strong relationships that are beneficial to your mental health. Put the stickers back on your car and do the group rides you were doing, invite the people over and explicitly state to your wife this is acceptable behavior and is not something she should be upset over.



This breaks my heart. When I was active in the psychological community it was common to see one side of a marriage attempt to change their behavior after drastic over-reactions from the other side. It never worked and always led to resentment and further relationship strife. Read this for what it is, your wife has chosen to drive you away from your peers, into a more isolated existence in a hobby you enjoy. This is a very big issue that needs to be addressed, the heavy lifting is entirely on your wife. This is a not an issue that will be resolved by anything you can do, you can contribute to a positive outcome but your wife is going to be the final determination as her toxic behavior is at the core of problem.

I seriously advise you to find a therapist who will work with you on your own first, to help you clarify your feelings and be able to express them in a constructive way. Then bring your wife in as well and create a dialogue together. This will either start the path to reconciliation or clarify what your next steps are going to have to be.
Did we read the same original post?

I saw nothing in the post about his wife trying to "destroy" his enjoyment of cycling or drive him away from his peers. She did apparently take exception to OP and his riding pals talking cycling (exclusively, apparently) at a social event which included non-cyclists. I was trying to be a bit diplomatic in my earlier post, but to be clearer: such behavior is boorish.

And claiming that his wife is the one who has to do all of the "heavy lifting" is ridiculous. That attitude will solve very few marital problems, but it will exacerbate almost all of them.

And fyi: I'm not a 'member of the psychological community' (whatever that means), but I have had experience with both a spectacularly bad marriage and a spectacularly great one. The great one has benefitted from a mutual unwillingness to assign unilateral blame and a mutual willingness to do heavy lifting (solve problems).

Last edited by Koyote; 01-30-19 at 12:09 PM.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by CliffordK
I think @gugie sent his wife and kids off to the inlaw's house, then invited his bike friends over.

When my Dad was alive, my parents would have numerous University parties, and I don't think there was any restrictions on what would be discussed at the parties.

However, the general rule at home, other times, was no work discussions at the dinner table. Talk about mutual interests.
Very close, my wife and kids were invited to fly out to my MIL's, so I used that opportunity for my Ride Wrench and Grill.

Mixing family and your friends is done at your own peril. I'm reminded of George Costanza's great line.


My wife wants nothing to do with my bikes and bike friends. Except @northbend. Quote from wife: "Who was that?"
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Old 01-30-19, 12:09 PM
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I'm old enough that this thread is reminding me of a running gag on the Mary Tyler Moore show.

Seriously, this is clearly a painful subject for you, but you're really asking for relationship advice that just tangentially has anything to do with biking. This strikes me as just inviting a bunch of uninformed opinion and half-baked advice.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
Did we read the same original post?

I saw nothing in the post about his wife trying to "destroy" his enjoyment of cycling or drive him away from his peers. She did apparently take exception to OP and his riding pals talking cycling (exclusively, apparently) at a social event which included non-cyclists. I was trying to be a bit diplomatic in my earlier post, but to be clearer: such behavior is boorish.

And claiming that his wife is the one who has to do all of the "heavy lifting" is ridiculous. That attitude will solve very few marital problems, but it will exacerbate almost all of them.

And fyi: I'm not a 'member of the psychological community' (whatever that means), but I have had experience with both a spectacularly bad marriage and a spectacularly great one. The great one has benefitted from a mutual unwillingness to assign unilateral blame and a mutual willingness to do heavy lifting (solve problems).

We did.

I read how, on his birthday, his wife chose to create a serious argument about the most minor social miscue. Something so minor it probably wouldn't have raised an eyebrow for most people.

Literally: On his birthday he had friends over and they talked about his hobby. This led to reading:

How she called his friends "crazy people" and "nutters" and told her husband he was no longer allowed to have those people over again.

How he received a tongue lashing and apparently had to endure a cuss-fest.

For talking about his hobby with friends on his birthday.

Then she watched as he stopped doing group rides, took the stickers off his car and stopped spending time with his friends. His wife has stood silent as his experience in this world has become more lonely and isolated. Driven by her behavior towards him.

This is extremely toxic behavior, from his wife. She created the issue due to her poor behavior and the responsibility to resolve it lies on her shoulders as well.

To the OP, I reiterate; seek help from a professional and know that you have done nothing wrong.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoonrobot
We did.

I read how, on his birthday, his wife chose to create a serious argument about the most minor social miscue. Something so minor it probably wouldn't have raised an eyebrow for most people.

Literally: On his birthday he had friends over and they talked about his hobby. This led to reading:

How she called his friends "crazy people" and "nutters" and told her husband he was no longer allowed to have those people over again.

How he received a tongue lashing and apparently had to endure a cuss-fest.

For talking about his hobby with friends on his birthday.

Then she watched as he stopped doing group rides, took the stickers off his car and stopped spending time with his friends. His wife has stood silent as his experience in this world has become more lonely and isolated. Driven by her behavior towards him.

This is extremely toxic behavior, from his wife. She created the issue due to her poor behavior and the responsibility to resolve it lies on her shoulders as well.

To the OP, I reiterate; seek help from a professional and know that you have done nothing wrong.
I'm betting the wife would have a very different perspective.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
I'm betting the wife would have a very different perspective.
Stating the obvious, why do you think this whole issue exists? Which is why a therapist is almost certainly required to resolve this issue.
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Old 01-30-19, 12:55 PM
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We don't know the people involved.

We don't know whether the OP is a reliable narrator.

We don't know his wife's perspective on this.

We don't know if anyone involved has other issues.

We don't know how the non-bikers at the party were reacting to this.

We don't have any reason to care about these things other than a fellow bicyclist is expressing emotional pain.

Any advice or judgments other than "you need to talk to someone (friends, family, wife, counselor) about this" is therefore irresponsible as it is way more likely to do damage than to do good.

This thread should be closed, this is a bicycle forum not a relationship expertise/psychology forum.

Frankly, I'm just enough of an armchair shrink to say that OP is describing a lot of symptoms of depression and should get help.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by livedarklions
We don't know the people involved.

We don't know whether the OP is a reliable narrator.

We don't know his wife's perspective on this.

We don't know if anyone involved has other issues.

We don't know how the non-bikers at the party were reacting to this.

We don't have any reason to care about these things other than a fellow bicyclist is expressing emotional pain.

Any advice or judgments other than "you need to talk to someone (friends, family, wife, counselor) about this" is therefore irresponsible as it is way more likely to do damage than to do good.

This thread should be closed, this is a bicycle forum not a relationship expertise/psychology forum.

Frankly, I'm just enough of an armchair shrink to say that OP is describing a lot of symptoms of depression and should get help.
Nice to see commonsense shining through. Well said.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by livedarklions
We don't know whether the OP is a reliable narrator.
Why even bother posting if this is your assumption?

There's no logic is interacting with someone who you feel may be misrepresenting themselves or their situation. It's this kind of wishy-washy nonsense that gets nothing done. Either you take the OP at face value and try to help him or cut straight to the chase, call him a liar and work from there. At least be honest with your own perspective.

I've, as is the correct way to interact with others in a polite society, chosen to believe the OP and understand what little I know as an accurate representation of the incident as it happened. His style of writing, further explanation and other posts seem to indicate he is trying to be as genuine as possible.

"The other perspective" is merely a coward's way of calling someone a liar and has no relevance in conversations such as this.

Seriously, read the posts? What sort of intensely boorish behavior would justify calling your husband's cycling buddies a bunch of nutters and crazy people before banning them from the house? It's nonsense.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:35 PM
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I tend to trust the opinion as a person privy to the happenings at the party in asking the BIL.

Her and him don't necessarily agree or walk in lock step on things like this. So, it's not like he would readily agree with either of us.

I'd guess he'd say something like a few people being a bit odd or too "into it" with the shop talk, but probably wouldn't have wrote it off as a disaster.

But, it's worth an ask.

As far as isolated incident or not.....I'll present the following also........three times I was chided for activities on father's day. Not necessarily a nasty conversation, but at least made to feel guilty for doing anything.

One year I went with my dad to see the US Open golf for the day since it was within driving distance. She complained about my parents gifting my dad and I that for Father's Day. The other two times I golfed with a neighbor friend about 10 to 2pm and had to cut it short when I was getting calls from home asking why we weren't done. Oddly enough his wife called him also and we left on the 17th hole and went home.

I trained to have AOMM be my big bike race thing to do last year. There's no cell coverage on that mountain. I called the second the return bus got us down and got yelled at for that. Yes, showing concern for someone, sure. But it was enough of a phone call to essentially ruin my day. Not to mention not getting to my hotel the night before until midnight because I was given crap about wanting to leave in time to get there at a reasonable hour.

It's a pattern of the few events or things that are supposed to be "my thing" turning into a problem.

I'm not unreasonable. I don't "disappear with the guys" for weekends, ever. I don't play golf every weekend. I don't even do 1/2 day weekend rides with anyone. I do 75% of my training rides either at my lunch hour, before or after kids are up, or fitting in time. I don't get drunk and spout off or do weird things.

It just seems a routine occurrence that when it's "my turn" for something, something has to run afoul.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:48 PM
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Obviously, posting here in BF is going to be biased towards the cyclist view in the room.
Try posting in a women's forum that enjoy trashing men. Bring a bottle of your favorite Texas barbeque sauce....

Seriously, don't argue and try to change each other. Gets old and doesn't work, been there done that.

Go enjoy life with the people that enable you to be the best person you can be. Anyone that subtracts from that can jump off the train.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:49 PM
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Spoonrobot's observations seem to be spot on to me. Seems toxic. You can either choose to rationalize it away or do something about it.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:49 PM
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Put your posts into a Word Doc, clean them up a little so they're more comprehensible to a third party and maybe add some additional information about how you remember feeling before and after each occurrence. Then print it off and bring it with you when you go see a therapist, this sort of information is very helpful for getting up to speed and into the process. As I posted earlier I'd recommend starting the process by yourself and then bringing your wife into the process with either the same therapist (there are practitioners who specialize this way) or a referral therapist that will consult with the one you saw solo and be able to build from your earlier work together with your wife.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoonrobot
Why even bother posting if this is your assumption?

There's no logic is interacting with someone who you feel may be misrepresenting themselves or their situation. It's this kind of wishy-washy nonsense that gets nothing done. Either you take the OP at face value and try to help him or cut straight to the chase, call him a liar and work from there. At least be honest with your own perspective.

I've, as is the correct way to interact with others in a polite society, chosen to believe the OP and understand what little I know as an accurate representation of the incident as it happened. His style of writing, further explanation and other posts seem to indicate he is trying to be as genuine as possible.

"The other perspective" is merely a coward's way of calling someone a liar and has no relevance in conversations such as this.

Seriously, read the posts? What sort of intensely boorish behavior would justify calling your husband's cycling buddies a bunch of nutters and crazy people before banning them from the house? It's nonsense.
Some people see the world in black and white, others can see in color.
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Old 01-30-19, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
Some people see the world in black and white, others can see in color.
Originally Posted by Spoonrobot
It's this kind of wishy-washy nonsense that gets nothing done.
Thus, the conclusion.
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Old 01-30-19, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoonrobot
Thus, the conclusion.
Well, that's one perspective.
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Old 01-30-19, 02:40 PM
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Tell your wife you are going to stop with the bike hobby..... but you are most interested in collecting firearms instead.
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Old 01-30-19, 02:46 PM
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I think I've run my course with the forum topic anyway.

In a more fun spirit, I haven't tried becoming an overweight Netflix slob yet. Watching TV 24/7 and drinking a 6 pack a night covered in Cheeto dust.

I could try that.

Maybe take up LARPing or something. That would do it. LARPing.
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Old 01-30-19, 02:48 PM
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Bunch of rookies. When someone is asking for advice on BF, even marital, the correct answer is almost always going to be N+1.
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Old 01-30-19, 03:02 PM
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A group of people getting absorbed in a narrow topic may simply be a clue that they are socially awkward.

With that said, I'm a musician, so I spend a certain amount of time pursuing activities that my spouse would not enjoy attending. Sitting alone in a bar while your spouse is having fun being in the spotlight can be kind of depressing. Sometimes those venues aren't super pleasant, or it's a long night out because I have to get there early, etc. Sometimes an event is closed to the public. Still, making her a part of these activities really isn't a solution, even though she would certainly be welcome at most of them.

I do try to keep it within reason, for instance I don't play in a touring band or anything like that.

Something that's often suggested on musician forums: Your spouse needs to get her own hobby, something she can identify with, and that involves a different group of people. It's hard if you are her only hobby. My spouse is into a couple of activities that are every bit as intensive as my music thing.
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Old 01-30-19, 03:18 PM
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Sounds like a classic case of toxic femininity to me. Best wishes for the rest of your life.
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