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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Old 01-31-19, 09:46 AM
  #76  
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz
Interesting thread, and the original post did give me pause for concern. I'm no psychologist or qualified counsellor, but I have counseled younger men at their request on many occasions. My wife and I have been married for 36 years and we've raised children to (mentally and spiritually) healthy adulthood.

The original post had some avoiding behavior in it, where the OP used "they" when he could easily have said "she". I'll guess that he wanted to sound reasonable and not laying blame from the outset. He also didn't relate any aspect of what his wife's expectations were for the evening in question, other than: (a) the day fell coincidentally on Mother's day (? from a later post), (b) the original party was family only and then the guest list expanded impromptu, and (c) the wife reacted to his isolation with his cycling friends with strong emotions.

The emotional escalation belies some other part of their interchange that brought on stronger and stronger language. So, there's likely an underlying communication issue.

The subsequent withdrawal from the OP's bicycling friends is not an emotionally strong response on his part.

I agree with the few reasonable posters who encourage the OP and his wife (later) to begin counseling together. They need to work on communication, expectations, and forgiveness at a minimum.

PG
He didn't say that. That was me talking about my upcoming birthday. Nothing to do with the OP.
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Old 01-31-19, 09:54 AM
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For the above folks asking how other things are, we're pretty good on the other stuff.

We see eye to eye politically, we're good at money/budget stuff, our tastes in food are similar and diverse, our likes in vacation ideas are fun and similar, we're teamed up pretty well on how we corral our kids and handle them, etc... And we get along well and enjoy each other in those things.

I'm just tired of feeling guilty when it's my turn to do stuff. It's not like it's the end of the world, but it's something that comes up a lot and it's time to nip in the bud.

To me, it feels like a jealousy issue over her choosing to not have a hobby or interest of pretty much any kind, but I choose to have one.

There may be some mild depression or condition on her part of some kind making it so she doesn't want to do anything. And since I do still do my things...........well, there you have it.

Let's be clear. This isn't some man eating succubus cheater kind of deal. It's most likely a depressed person who doesn't do their own thing and acts out with animosity against me when (as a non depressed person) still chooses to do my stuff.
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Old 01-31-19, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by downhillmaster

incorrect.
They were his personal issues only up until the point he advertised them on the internet. They are now our entertainment.
+1
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Old 01-31-19, 10:30 AM
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Indeed
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Old 01-31-19, 11:17 AM
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Yes
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Old 01-31-19, 05:49 PM
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I'd consider marriage counseling.
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Old 02-01-19, 05:48 AM
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My wife doesn’t understand why you would spend over $100 on a bicycle purchase, much more anything to do with riding and such. She is about the same way with my running, though have been doing that much longer. It gets contentious. But I seem to be getting more active as i age, and she gets more sedentary.
Guess the question is - do you have enough going to stay together, or is this just the tip of the iceberg?
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Old 02-01-19, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.

It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.

...

This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.

...

It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst ...

After this tongue lashing, cuss fest ...
Originally Posted by burnthesheep

As far as isolated incident or not.....I'll present the following also........three times I was chided ...

It's a pattern of the few events or things that are supposed to be "my thing" turning into a problem.

...

It just seems a routine occurrence that when it's "my turn" for something, something has to run afoul.

Seek professional help.


I suspect you're not telling us the whole story, but since this still bothers you after a year (or longer), seek professional help.

Last edited by Machka; 02-01-19 at 06:03 AM.
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Old 02-01-19, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Maelochs
Ever read a post and think "Iceberg"?

Oh yeah!!!
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Old 02-01-19, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep

To me, it feels like a jealousy issue over her choosing to not have a hobby or interest of pretty much any kind, but I choose to have one.
I
I think you hit the nail on the head. She needs a hobby to calm her down.
On a related note, my wife thinks my cycling buddies are crazy. And I think her yoga crew is super boring.
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Old 02-01-19, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.

It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time.

After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
Grab your balls and stand up for yourself. Be a man.

She's a control freak, emotionally abusive and successfully gas lighting you.
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Old 02-01-19, 10:23 PM
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OP, please ignore the negative armchair bike enthusiast marriage counselors. You're doing just fine and will certainly work it all out. Go for a ride.
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Old 02-02-19, 07:48 AM
  #88  
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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Not much to add relationship-wise, though I think [MENTION=20232]I-Like-To-Bike[/MENTION] had a seemingly unique comment about how such in-depth conversations among the cognoscenti could be off-putting.
Originally Posted by I-Like-To-Bike
Maybe some of the cycling buddies' hobby talk came across as jabbering about demonic motorists, "BSO's" and the lowlifes who sell or ride them, fools who don't appreciate the fine people who work or hang out at the LBS, and/or various evil conspiracies against the interests of "Serious Cyclists".

It would help explain why she thought her husband's cycling buddies were a bunch of "nutters and crazy people."
Here on Bike Forums IMO, is a nice example of congenial biketalk:
Originally Posted by Jim from Boston
Metro Boston:Good ride today?

…I like to write up my rides, as do others on a local discussion thread here in Boston, and for me, it’s more a journal for myself, than for the amusement of other subscribers, though I hope others would find it interesting.

Of course we in Metro Boston all know the region, and each other, at least electronically, so we are a ready receptive audience for each other.

I have thought of that thread as the cycling equivalent of “apres-ski” after a day on the slopes, where we gather to exchange stories, routes, photos, ribbing, and (?) tall tales
But when discussing cycling with non-cyclists:
Originally Posted by Jim from Boston
Personally, I find any discussions about cycling with motorists futile, especially those exchanged while en route, often with hostility.

When off the bike, e.g. at work they are usually pleasant, but vacuous, for example when I’m called a saint. When they complain, it’s often about cyclists riding two or more abreast, no lights, ninjas, etc…valid complaints IMO…
.”
However I have found this commonality to relate my cycling to non-cyclists:
Originally Posted by Jim from Boston
My cycling reputation, mundane as my cycling might be to the hard-core cyclists, is always a source of amusement and conversation with my friends and acquaintances; e.g. in bad weather, “You didn’t ride your bike today, did you?,” or at fancy social events, “Did you ride your bike here?.” Always asked with amusement and respect.

I in turn often ask people where they live, because invariably I have ridden in their neighborhood, and that question usually sparks an engaging conversation….
PS:
Just this week I attended a lecture by a physician about healthy lifestyles. Though he touted cycling, he also commented about the dangers, particularly here in Boston, and he admitted to be a former cyclist.

Afterwards I asked him about it, and he further rapped on about anecdotal hazards.
He then claimed about a “Bike Cartel” of about 300 cyclists in Boston; I think he was describing Critical Mass.

Last edited by Jim from Boston; 02-02-19 at 10:37 AM. Reason: added PS
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Old 02-02-19, 09:48 AM
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A few thoughts:

1- Maybe your riding buddies are, in fact, a bunch of crazy nutters.

2- I would actually pay for a BF membership if it included being able to read your wife’s side of this story.

3- However pissed your wife was over your crazy nutter friends, it will likely pale in conparison to the s#!tstorm that awaits you when she sees you are talking about this to complete strangers on the internet.

Good luck my friend.
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Old 02-02-19, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by AlmostTrick
OP, please ignore the negative armchair bike enthusiast marriage counselors. You're doing just fine and will certainly work it all out. Go for a ride.
Yes, and quit inviting them to your parties...
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Old 02-02-19, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep
I tend to trust the opinion as a person privy to the happenings at the party in asking the BIL.

Her and him don't necessarily agree or walk in lock step on things like this. So, it's not like he would readily agree with either of us.

I'd guess he'd say something like a few people being a bit odd or too "into it" with the shop talk, but probably wouldn't have wrote it off as a disaster.

But, it's worth an ask.
Yes, I would definitely get your wife's brother involved here
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Old 02-02-19, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Kapusta
A few thoughts:

1- Maybe your riding buddies are, in fact, a bunch of crazy nutters.

2- I would actually pay for a BF membership if it included being able to read your wife’s side of this story.

3- However pissed your wife was over your crazy nutter friends, it will likely pale in conparison to the s#!tstorm that awaits you when she sees you are talking about this to complete strangers on the internet.

Good luck my friend.
Regarding #3, above. My wife continually lurks here, “checking up” on what I post.

I occasionally post stuff here just to p*** her off and to teach her to stop spying on me.

At this point in my life I couldn’t care less who I p*** off. Just as long as I have my dogs and my bikes I am a happy camper.

To the OP, fix the problem now or you are going to find yourself at a point, 20, 30, or 40 years down the line feeling trapped and unhappy. It ain’t worth it.
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Old 02-02-19, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Kapusta
- I would actually pay for a BF membership if it included being able to read your wife’s side of this story.
Heart of the matter, what?
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Old 02-02-19, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
Some of the more recent posts have been disturbingly sexist.
Agreed.
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Old 02-02-19, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
Some of the more recent posts have been disturbingly sexist.
Care to elaborate?
Or are you just throwing it against the wall and hoping something sticks?
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Old 02-02-19, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
Some of the more recent posts have been disturbingly sexist.
Originally Posted by downhillmaster

Care to elaborate?
Or are you just throwing it against the wall and hoping something sticks?
Read the recent posts. And if you can’t see it, I won’t waste my time trying to explain it to you.

Last edited by Koyote; 02-02-19 at 08:55 PM.
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Old 02-02-19, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
Read the recent posts. And if you can see it, I won’t waste my time trying to explain it to you.
Swing and a miss!
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Old 02-02-19, 08:58 PM
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Grown men spending the price of a used car for a bicycle then dressing up in spandex and going out riding those bicycles in the winter's cold or the summer's heat.........sounds like a bunch of nuts to me.

In all seriousness. Were there any hot single women among your cycling buddies? If you really think your wife has some mental issues you need to convince her to get help. Sometimes they can't realize they need help and the misery they are making for you is periodic but the misery they are living in is constant.
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Old 02-04-19, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Koyote

Read the recent posts. And if you can’t see it, I won’t waste my time trying to explain it to you.
I'm not seeing it either. There are a couple that aren't perhaps 100% PC, but they're also not particularly serious. What post met the level of "disturbingly" sexist to you?
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Old 02-04-19, 10:22 AM
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You need to involve her in your "hobby." Get a tandem. It will definitely add a new dynamic to your partnership.
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