Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up
02-04-19, 10:25 AM
#101
Occam's Rotor
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 7,248
Mentioned: 61 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2366 Post(s)
Liked 2,331 Times
in
1,164 Posts
Might he be a Brithole?
02-04-19, 10:51 AM
#102
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: SF Bay Area, East bay
Posts: 8,115
Bikes: Miyata 618 GT, Marinoni, Kestral 200 2002 Trek 5200, KHS Flite, Koga Miyata, Schwinn Spitfire 5, Mondia Special, Univega Alpina, Miyata team Ti, Santa Cruz Highball
Mentioned: 49 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1387 Post(s)
Liked 1,821 Times
in
919 Posts
02-04-19, 11:58 AM
#103
Advanced Slacker
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,944
Bikes: Soma Fog Cutter, Surly Wednesday, Canfielld Tilt
Mentioned: 26 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2640 Post(s)
Liked 2,376 Times
in
1,337 Posts
02-04-19, 12:08 PM
#104
Banned.
Invite them over again but make sure the men are still wearing their tight biker shorts. Then ask the wife if she likes the typical biker outfit.
Well... maybe not
Well... maybe not
02-04-19, 12:28 PM
#105
Junior Member
Once upon a time, after-dinner conversation often split into male and female groups. Maybe your wife is unable to handle social situations, but wants to feel included.
02-04-19, 12:46 PM
#106
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 36,704
Mentioned: 206 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 16971 Post(s)
Liked 12,513 Times
in
5,928 Posts
02-04-19, 01:07 PM
#107
Full Member
In the world I live in, we would have asked the gentleman to check with his lovely wife and see if he could get his balls out of the jar that she keeps them in, on top of the the fireplace mantle. (at least they're still warm )
But in reality there is her side of the story and his side of the story. And somewhere in the middle is the real story...
02-04-19, 01:27 PM
#108
Senior Member
Wow, I didn't read all the replies but from your post and her reaction I have to wonder what they did to insult her enough to have that reaction? Or what else is going on? I think counseling is a good idea. From your point of view it sounds like she is controlling and not a great person to be around if she can't let you enjoy your friends on your birthday. But there is usually two sides to every story, I would think it very interesting to ask her why she got so upset that night when your both calm and quiet, and you giving up your sport due to it sounds kind of passive aggressive.
I think there is something else going on and you would both benefit from therapy.
I spent 33 years as a horse crazy nut with a rock and roll nut- you have to have the freedom to enjoy what you enjoy or you risk losing the whole relationship. Sadly mine died, and so did the horse so now I am a bike nut. LOL WAY easier and cheaper.
I think there is something else going on and you would both benefit from therapy.
I spent 33 years as a horse crazy nut with a rock and roll nut- you have to have the freedom to enjoy what you enjoy or you risk losing the whole relationship. Sadly mine died, and so did the horse so now I am a bike nut. LOL WAY easier and cheaper.
02-04-19, 01:28 PM
#109
Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 1 Time
in
1 Post
I did not have time to read all the messages so forgive me if this has been said.
Unless you were flirting with one of the women your wife is not very supportive.
Do not get your bike friends at your home while your wife is there.
For me, I try to ride 2 or 3 times a month with a group down from 5 times. Almost all of them are dinner rides where we will talk for an hour or so then ride back to the start. Work your way up to as many rides as you like.
Unless you were flirting with one of the women your wife is not very supportive.
Do not get your bike friends at your home while your wife is there.
For me, I try to ride 2 or 3 times a month with a group down from 5 times. Almost all of them are dinner rides where we will talk for an hour or so then ride back to the start. Work your way up to as many rides as you like.
02-04-19, 01:44 PM
#111
Member
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.
It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.
If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.
For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...
When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?
This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.
This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.
This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.
I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?
-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?
It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.
It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).
After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.
If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.
For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...
When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?
This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.
This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.
This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.
I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?
-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?
It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.
It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).
After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
02-04-19, 01:48 PM
#113
Member
^^^^^^^Sexist ^^^^^^
In the world I live in, we would have asked the gentleman to check with his lovely wife and see if he could get his balls out of the jar that she keeps them in, on top of the the fireplace mantle. (at least they're still warm )
But in reality there is her side of the story and his side of the story. And somewhere in the middle is the real story...
In the world I live in, we would have asked the gentleman to check with his lovely wife and see if he could get his balls out of the jar that she keeps them in, on top of the the fireplace mantle. (at least they're still warm )
But in reality there is her side of the story and his side of the story. And somewhere in the middle is the real story...
02-04-19, 02:53 PM
#114
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Alameda, California
Posts: 30
Bikes: 52 x 54 cm Eisentraut steel road bike, 51 x 55 cm Windsor Pro (Eroica bike) , 1972 53 x 57 cm Peugeot UO-18 mixte town bike/"truck." UNBUILT FRAMES: 1974 52.5 x 57 cm Jack Taylor Tour of Britain, 1964 52 x 54 Super Mondia, 1979/80 Raleigh Record Ace
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 0 Times
in
0 Posts
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.
It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.
If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.
For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...
When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?
This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.
This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.
This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.
I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?
-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?
It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.
It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).
After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.
If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.
For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...
When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?
This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.
This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.
This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.
I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?
-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?
It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.
It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).
After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
Dear BURN,
What is really going on? What happens when she gets angry like that?
I **suspect** her intense feelings stem from other contributing causes -- but this is only speculation on my part. Some potential issues
come to mind:
Do you share equally in the work of raising your kids and doing the housework, cooking, etc., or are you (perhaps in her mind) not
contributung sufficiently at home or not supporting her emotionally enough becuase you are off riding?
Has she reacted in similar ways to other situations? (If so, is there common thread?)
Did you ride before you met and married your wife or was cycling a new thing you picked up after you had been married a while?
Whatever the chronology, she either does not understand or does not like your "hobby" or something els is going on. The extreme nature of
her response indicates strong feelings and probably deeper issues that need attention. In your shoes, I would recommend to my wife that we
discuss them together with a neutral referee such as a marriage counselor.
I met my wife of 30 years on a bike ride and she at least understands my addiction to training and riding, if not the need to spend what she sees as lots o
money on clothing, bikes, and parts. It is difficult for me that we no longer ride together like we did 20 years ago and she now feels unable to ride on a physical level,
but we try to talk things through.
The key here is, IMHO, communication abut the real issues and feelings involved on both sides. Until you are both clear about those, any "solutions" you (or
anyone here, myself included) comes up with are pure guesswork. Listening carefully and being clear with one's feelings are at least as hard as your most difficult bike rides and will take longer.
If you love her and value the relationship (which apparently you do, based on what you have done thus far in response), I would recommend that you
commit to discussing her feelings and your relationship thoroughly with a counselor in order to find a mutually agreeable resolution. This will mean
real work and commitment from both of you but should be worth the effort and investment.
Whether and how you successfully integrate your cycling friends into your shared family social life and/or celebrate another birthday or group ride with
your buddies will be determined by whatever the two of you discover together about your goals, priorities, needs, and feelings. I wish you all the best in
that mutual exploration.
02-04-19, 03:02 PM
#115
Been Around Awhile
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Burlington Iowa
Posts: 29,616
Bikes: Vaterland and Ragazzi
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Liked 1,280 Times
in
870 Posts
Maybe the pals do talk/act like nutters and crazy people, or maybe the wife really does have all the personal/emotional issues attributed to her by the husband/OP and his pals would be considered socially acceptable anywhere by normal people/healthy.
02-04-19, 04:41 PM
#118
Full Member
Been there, done that 
It sounds like a disconnect of expectations.
Did you discuss with your S.O. what might happen (i.e. "shop talk") when you decided to invite your "buddies" over? She might have been thinking a more socially inclusive evening and it wasn't. So, sure she would get pissed. She felt left out (unless your S.O. is also a biker and just didn't feel like participating socially for some reason) and, possibly, ignored.
During the evening, did you check in with your wife to a) see how she was doing (and she might have shared her concerns with you then) and/or b) remind her that with all the shop talk going on you were still thinking about her.
Sounds to me that the only thing you might have done wrong (and, granted, I'm a stranger on the outside looking in with very limited info) was to check in with your wife to see if she was enjoying herself and, if she wasn't, figure out how to fix it (actually, help her to do so).
It's possible she could have connected with one of the wives who wasn't an avid rider/shop talker (and complained about how much shop you guys were discussing
and she could have struck up a nice conversation. Sounds like she never got, or never took, an opportunity to do so.
You might be able to smooth things over if you approach her and let her know how you might have messed up that evening trying to be both host and husband at the same time and that you'll do your best to not let it happen again.
Ah, communications.....the great relationship killer
Good luck.....
It sounds like a disconnect of expectations.
Did you discuss with your S.O. what might happen (i.e. "shop talk") when you decided to invite your "buddies" over? She might have been thinking a more socially inclusive evening and it wasn't. So, sure she would get pissed. She felt left out (unless your S.O. is also a biker and just didn't feel like participating socially for some reason) and, possibly, ignored.
During the evening, did you check in with your wife to a) see how she was doing (and she might have shared her concerns with you then) and/or b) remind her that with all the shop talk going on you were still thinking about her.
Sounds to me that the only thing you might have done wrong (and, granted, I'm a stranger on the outside looking in with very limited info) was to check in with your wife to see if she was enjoying herself and, if she wasn't, figure out how to fix it (actually, help her to do so).
It's possible she could have connected with one of the wives who wasn't an avid rider/shop talker (and complained about how much shop you guys were discussing
and she could have struck up a nice conversation. Sounds like she never got, or never took, an opportunity to do so.You might be able to smooth things over if you approach her and let her know how you might have messed up that evening trying to be both host and husband at the same time and that you'll do your best to not let it happen again.
Ah, communications.....the great relationship killer
Good luck.....
02-04-19, 05:05 PM
#119
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Hollister, CA (not the surf town)
Posts: 1,637
Bikes: 2019 Specialized Roubaix Comp Di2, 2009 Roubaix, early 90's Giant Iguana
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 610 Post(s)
Liked 1,276 Times
in
487 Posts
I'd second the disconnect of expectations. Sounds like your wife was expecting a birthday celebration that involved some friends and relative. In that scenario it's not appropriate for the person being celebrated to be totally occupied with a group that due to the the topics of discussion, excludes all others.
If you stop and think, it makes it rather awkward for the rest of the group. They've come to celebrate you but you're basically not there. Kind of splits the party in two. Those discussing cycling and those feeling left out.
I have no way of really knowing what happened but if you're really concerned about it, put yourself in your wife's shoes or your relatives, and consider how they may have felt about how things went down.
On a more general note, many couples are involved in activities that the other does not participate in. This involves some balance. How much time you spend in that activity compared to others that you do together is important and when you are doing things together, don't make it about the activity. People might feel like you care more about that, than you do about them.
If you stop and think, it makes it rather awkward for the rest of the group. They've come to celebrate you but you're basically not there. Kind of splits the party in two. Those discussing cycling and those feeling left out.
I have no way of really knowing what happened but if you're really concerned about it, put yourself in your wife's shoes or your relatives, and consider how they may have felt about how things went down.
On a more general note, many couples are involved in activities that the other does not participate in. This involves some balance. How much time you spend in that activity compared to others that you do together is important and when you are doing things together, don't make it about the activity. People might feel like you care more about that, than you do about them.
02-04-19, 05:13 PM
#120
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 7,077
Mentioned: 35 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6366 Post(s)
Liked 9,851 Times
in
4,234 Posts
Post #50 refers to "toxic femininity." The OP's description of the problem makes it sound relatively un-gendered - it's just a problem between spouses. Using the term "toxic femininity" is an attempt to minimize the wife's complaint merely because she's a woman. (If the man had a problem with his wife's friends coming over and talking incessantly about knitting and kittens, would the same poster describe his reaction as "toxic masculinity"? Probably not.)
Post #67 is just anti-female. If you don't see that, you're beyond redemption.
And, after my initial observation, Post #86 continues the trend with a neanderthal bent - I mean, who really talks (or writes) like this in 2019? Though plenty of earlier posts convey the same sentiment, just a bit less overtly and crudely.
There you go.
Last edited by Koyote; 02-04-19 at 05:38 PM.
02-04-19, 05:24 PM
#121
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Metro Detroit/AA
Posts: 8,214
Bikes: 2016 Novara Mazama
Mentioned: 63 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3639 Post(s)
Liked 81 Times
in
51 Posts
If you're here asking about it, it was indeed a problem for you, your wife, and your relationship.
Whether or not it should be a problem is a discussion I am not willing to delve into, not knowing you, your wife, or your relationship. All I can say is that you need to have a frank talk with her about expectations.
As with most of these posts, taking to the person who had an issue with it will benefit you 1000x more than venting online.
Whether or not it should be a problem is a discussion I am not willing to delve into, not knowing you, your wife, or your relationship. All I can say is that you need to have a frank talk with her about expectations.
As with most of these posts, taking to the person who had an issue with it will benefit you 1000x more than venting online.
02-04-19, 05:56 PM
#122
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 40
Bikes: Brompton S6R-X, Tern Verge X20, Moulton SST, BMC RoadMachine, Bianchi Infinito CV, Giant TCR Advanced Pro Disc
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 17 Post(s)
Liked 0 Times
in
0 Posts
OP: Breath deeply. Then Google Red Pill and follow your nose up and down various rabbit holes. We humans are the product of a very long period of evolution. Things start to make a bit more sense when one steps away from the Official Narrative and takes an eyes wide open deep dive into Evolutionary Biology.
Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.
For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.
For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
02-04-19, 06:01 PM
#123
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 7,077
Mentioned: 35 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6366 Post(s)
Liked 9,851 Times
in
4,234 Posts
OP: Breath deeply. Then Google Red Pill and follow your nose up and down various rabbit holes. We humans are the product of a very long period of evolution. Things start to make a bit more sense when one steps away from the Official Narrative and takes an eyes wide open deep dive into Evolutionary Biology.
Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.
For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.
For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
...aaand now the sexism officially crosses over into scary-ville. Really fringe, nutjob stuff.
Last edited by Koyote; 02-04-19 at 06:05 PM.
