Go Back  Bike Forums > Bike Forums > General Cycling Discussion
Reload this Page >

Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Notices
General Cycling Discussion Have a cycling related question or comment that doesn't fit in one of the other specialty forums? Drop on in and post in here! When possible, please select the forum above that most fits your post!

Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Old 02-04-19, 06:37 PM
  #126  
Senior Member
 
Nermal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Farmington, NM
Posts: 2,308

Bikes: Giant Cypress SX

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 79 Post(s)
Liked 10 Times in 6 Posts
Originally Posted by burnthesheep
Im done here. Yall are nuts.

Have fun.
Well, of course. We ride bicycles, don't we.
__________________
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Nermal is offline  
Old 02-04-19, 06:55 PM
  #127  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 659
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 195 Post(s)
Liked 207 Times in 126 Posts
Talking shop

Originally Posted by burnthesheep
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.

It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.

If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.

For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...

When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?

This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.

This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.

This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.

I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.

So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?

-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?

-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?

It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.

It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).

After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
,........
I insisted on going on a solo tour once a year. That resulted in a prolonged separation.
You said the conversation was almost entirely bike orented. That was a bit rude and sounds like it escalated from there. I wouldn't overreact though and stop doing a hobby you love. It's OK to have a few interests that don't include the other. Some might say it's even healthy. If you stop enjoying a sociable ride and blaming the other for keeping you from it, you'll soon turn resentful.
She may be a bit jealous so try to explain your passion and maybe she'll understand. If not, well, I'd keep enjoying the group rides anyway and she'll just have to accept you as you are. Keep in mind I've remarried to someone that understands my lifelong passion.
Cycle Tourist is offline  
Old 02-04-19, 07:06 PM
  #128  
Full Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 330
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 186 Post(s)
Liked 129 Times in 88 Posts
Originally Posted by burnthesheep
Im done here. Yall are nuts.

Have fun.
Yea I don't have much more time to spend here either ..... I'm trying to decide on my fourth bike purchase, C&V or gravel..... . Mmm, maybe I can ask this group here...... Lol
308jerry is offline  
Old 02-04-19, 10:54 PM
  #129  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,794
Mentioned: 14 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1027 Post(s)
Liked 325 Times in 204 Posts
Originally Posted by Koyote
I'm sure I'll regret this, but okay, since a few posters have asked, I'll give some examples. And by the way, I find any sexism disturbing. Just like I find any racism disturbing. (OBoile, your question is odd. Is there some level of sexism that you find not disturbing, i.e. acceptable?)
Actual sexism is unacceptable. But...
Originally Posted by Koyote
Post #50 refers to "toxic femininity." The OP's description of the problem makes it sound relatively un-gendered - it's just a problem between spouses. Using the term "toxic femininity" is an attempt to minimize the wife's complaint merely because she's a woman. (If the man had a problem with his wife's friends coming over and talking incessantly about knitting and kittens, would the same poster describe his reaction as "toxic masculinity"? Probably not.)
This (post 50) is an odd comment to be sure, but I'm not sure it's sexist.
Originally Posted by Koyote
Post #67 is just anti-female. If you don't see that, you're beyond redemption.
Apparently both my wife and I are beyond redemption. We saw this as a joke, nothing more. Her answer is: yes, he's still wrong.
Originally Posted by Koyote
And, after my initial observation, Post #86 continues the trend with a neanderthal bent - I mean, who really talks (or writes) like this in 2019? Though plenty of earlier posts convey the same sentiment, just a bit less overtly and crudely.
The idea that the wife may be in the wrong is not sexism. The idea that he should stand up for himself isn't sexism. Conflating standing up for oneself with being a man kind of is, but if this is the worst you've got (and this was after your initial post on the matter), I don't see it as comment worthy.
Originally Posted by Koyote
There you go.
I guess I'm still just not seeing it.
OBoile is offline  
Old 02-04-19, 11:01 PM
  #130  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,794
Mentioned: 14 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1027 Post(s)
Liked 325 Times in 204 Posts
Originally Posted by MovingViolation
OP: Breath deeply. Then Google Red Pill and follow your nose up and down various rabbit holes. We humans are the product of a very long period of evolution. Things start to make a bit more sense when one steps away from the Official Narrative and takes an eyes wide open deep dive into Evolutionary Biology.

Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.

For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
Originally Posted by Koyote
...aaand now the sexism officially crosses over into scary-ville. Really fringe, nutjob stuff.
Now, on this, we agree completely.
OBoile is offline  
Old 02-04-19, 11:22 PM
  #131  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Allentown, Pennsylvania
Posts: 780

Bikes: 2018 Lynskey Cooper CX; 2007 Cannondale F4

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 368 Post(s)
Liked 155 Times in 64 Posts
Let me get this straight: Your friendship with your local cycling buddies is ruined, because you had the audacity to talk about bikes with them, at your own birthday party?

All because your wife threw a fit like a selfish, spoiled child. She is the obvious problem here and she should apologize for her behavior.
General Geoff is offline  
Old 02-04-19, 11:31 PM
  #132  
Senior Member
 
eja_ bottecchia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 5,791
Mentioned: 6 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1020 Post(s)
Liked 463 Times in 293 Posts
Originally Posted by 308jerry
Yea I don't have much more time to spend here either ..... I'm trying to decide on my fourth bike purchase, C&V or gravel..... . Mmm, maybe I can ask this group here...... Lol
Get a C&V gravel bike.
eja_ bottecchia is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 06:54 AM
  #133  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Independence, MO
Posts: 37

Bikes: Too many personal bikes to mention on here

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Liked 21 Times in 9 Posts
when my wife sees former co-workers, they talk about health care and what they are doing now. When we see friends that have the same interests as me, (guns and bikes), she listens and gives me the same respect as I give her. When like people are together, they will talk shop. Neither of us get mad at the other.
Mr Carl is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 08:30 AM
  #134  
Member
 
janine1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Work in St. Louis mo live on the IL side.
Posts: 37

Bikes: Lemond Versailles 2008, Specialized FSR Myka 2008, Mercier Track Bike (grocery getter?) , Trek Emonda SL8 2016, Salsa Marrakesh 2017,Bridgestone V70 1986,Bike Friday Speeding Tikit.

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Wow

So your wife is that mad bc she didnt like the topic of conversation? Did she like your friends? I feel like you can have your own friends but the fact you dont entertain them at home doesnt make them any less your friends. Certainly not to the point you isolate yourself.

have them over when your wife has other plans or is out of town. Host a get together at a restaurant or bar. Lots of places have a spare room you can book.

friends are friends entertaining them is not a requirement. Your wife sounds a little intolerant.
janine1 is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 09:02 AM
  #135  
Senior Member
 
jefnvk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Metro Detroit/AA
Posts: 8,207

Bikes: 2016 Novara Mazama

Mentioned: 63 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3640 Post(s)
Liked 81 Times in 51 Posts
Originally Posted by General Geoff
All because your wife threw a fit like a selfish, spoiled child. She is the obvious problem here and she should apologize for her behavior.
Or, maybe there was an agreement he violated. Or, maybe there is deeper issues in the marriage and this is just a boil over. Or, maybe he was indeed just ignoring a large part of the people that were there for him by only talking to a couple of his friends. Or, a lot of other scenarios, any number of which may well be that she was in the wrong.

None of that can be determined by the info given, though.
jefnvk is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 09:20 AM
  #136  
Occam's Rotor
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 7,248
Mentioned: 61 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2366 Post(s)
Liked 2,331 Times in 1,164 Posts
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
Cyclist0108 is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 10:28 AM
  #137  
Senior Member
 
Spoonrobot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,063
Mentioned: 63 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1216 Post(s)
Liked 185 Times in 116 Posts
Originally Posted by wgscott
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
You ever read up on Connie Berto? She's been a vocal activist for restricting trails from MTB riding in Southern California for decades. Charlie Cunningham wrote her a letter arguing against the case she laid out in 1989, for example. Also is Frank Berto's wife, which seems like a relationship that could be a little strained at times.
Spoonrobot is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 10:53 AM
  #138  
Senior Member
 
Milton Keynes's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,947

Bikes: Trek 1100 road bike, Roadmaster gravel/commuter/beater mountain bike

Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2281 Post(s)
Liked 1,710 Times in 936 Posts
Originally Posted by stephr1
Ah, communications.....the great relationship killer
Yeah, my wife likes to complain about how I never listen to her, yadda yadda yadda... or something.
Milton Keynes is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 11:02 AM
  #139  
Senior Member
 
Maelochs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 15,488

Bikes: 2015 Workswell 066, 2017 Workswell 093, 2014 Dawes Sheila, 1983 Cannondale 500, 1984 Raleigh Olympian, 2007 Cannondale Rize 4, 2017 Fuji Sportif 1 LE

Mentioned: 144 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7652 Post(s)
Liked 3,473 Times in 1,834 Posts
Yeah, shortly after we got married I told my wife we had a communication problem ... she didn't want to talk about it.
Maelochs is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 11:15 AM
  #140  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 84
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 50 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Bad behavor often begets bad advice

Originally Posted by burnthesheep
>BIG SNIP<
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
>SNIP<
Unless the group includes plenty of people who don't share the hobby, discussions are likely to degenerate, because someone is the odd man out. (In this case it was your wife. And if she did all the preparatory and cleanup work before and after your party, her being upset does not seem particularly out of line to me. After all, she did not marry you to be abandoned by you...)

And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
slowrevs is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 12:16 PM
  #141  
Full Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 330
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 186 Post(s)
Liked 129 Times in 88 Posts
Originally Posted by Milton Keynes
Yeah, my wife likes to complain about how I never listen to her, yadda yadda yadda... or something.
"Are you even listening to me???"
I've always wondered why my wife starts her conversations with that statement.....
308jerry is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 01:43 PM
  #142  
Advanced Slacker
 
Kapusta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,210

Bikes: Soma Fog Cutter, Surly Wednesday, Canfielld Tilt

Mentioned: 26 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2762 Post(s)
Liked 2,537 Times in 1,433 Posts
Originally Posted by wgscott
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
Or worse: he is a mountain biker and she is an equestrian.
Kapusta is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 02:04 PM
  #143  
Zip tie Karen
 
Phil_gretz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Fair Oaks Ranch, TX
Posts: 7,004

Bikes: '13 Motobecane Fantom29 HT, '16 Motobecane Turino Pro Disc, '18 Velobuild VB-R-022, '21 Tsunami SNM-100

Mentioned: 26 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1465 Post(s)
Liked 1,542 Times in 806 Posts
Originally Posted by slowrevs
Unless the group includes plenty of people who don't share the hobby, discussions are likely to degenerate, because someone is the odd man out. (In this case it was your wife. And if she did all the preparatory and cleanup work before and after your party, her being upset does not seem particularly out of line to me. After all, she did not marry you to be abandoned by you...)

And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
I'm agreeing, here. I think that there were unsaid expectations surrounding this party that led to her frustration and angry outburst. Better (and more sensitive) discussion on the part of the husband would have been helpful.

Funny, I thought that male chauvinist pigs had all become extinct. Like the dodo...
Phil_gretz is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 02:18 PM
  #144  
Tragically Ignorant
 
livedarklions's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: New England
Posts: 15,613

Bikes: Serotta Atlanta; 1994 Specialized Allez Pro; Giant OCR A1; SOMA Double Cross Disc; 2022 Allez Elite mit der SRAM

Mentioned: 62 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8186 Post(s)
Liked 9,098 Times in 5,054 Posts
Originally Posted by wgscott
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?

The police were called when a stem cap was hurled across the room.
livedarklions is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 02:20 PM
  #145  
Tragically Ignorant
 
livedarklions's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: New England
Posts: 15,613

Bikes: Serotta Atlanta; 1994 Specialized Allez Pro; Giant OCR A1; SOMA Double Cross Disc; 2022 Allez Elite mit der SRAM

Mentioned: 62 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8186 Post(s)
Liked 9,098 Times in 5,054 Posts
If the OP has learned that this is a really dumb place to look for relationship advice, our work here is done.

Excellent lousy job, everyone.
livedarklions is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 03:41 PM
  #146  
Senior Member
 
SamSpade1941's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 851
Mentioned: 13 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 490 Post(s)
Liked 68 Times in 54 Posts
My wife while alive never did this sort of thing nor does my girl friend currently . Course I wouldnt invite a bunch of people over for dinner without checking first ...

We do not share similar interests but we do ave certain activities we share as a couple ..

i like to ride bikes and I rarely involve her , she likes high tea, and art events which includes her lady friends .

our respective groups do not overlap
SamSpade1941 is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 03:57 PM
  #147  
Senior Member
 
CliffordK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Eugene, Oregon, USA
Posts: 27,547
Mentioned: 217 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18373 Post(s)
Liked 4,508 Times in 3,351 Posts
Next party, you need to bring up discussions about painting nails, plastic fingernails, airbrushing nails, makeup foundations, eye shadow, split ends, hilights, lipstick tones, curling hair, straightening hair, ... etc.

Pretty soon you'll be sent away and told to go find someone to talk about bicycles.
CliffordK is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 04:16 PM
  #148  
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 79
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Liked 29 Times in 17 Posts
If you didnt have small kids, Id say run like hell. Since you do and probably want to keep things together, Id suggest a marriage counselor. Someone who can help you both see things more clearly and help you get what you want out of marriage and life.
frogmorton is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 04:46 PM
  #149  
Senior Member
 
Milton Keynes's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,947

Bikes: Trek 1100 road bike, Roadmaster gravel/commuter/beater mountain bike

Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2281 Post(s)
Liked 1,710 Times in 936 Posts
Originally Posted by livedarklions
If the OP has learned that this is a really dumb place to look for relationship advice, our work here is done.

Excellent lousy job, everyone.
I was one who suggested marriage counseling. I admit, an internet message board, even a fine one like Bike Forums, is a terrible place for relationship advice.
Milton Keynes is offline  
Old 02-05-19, 08:54 PM
  #150  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,680
Mentioned: 9 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 980 Post(s)
Liked 776 Times in 402 Posts
Originally Posted by burnthesheep
Im done here. Yall are nuts.

Have fun.
You stewed over your marital nonsense for a year and everyone else is nuts?
downhillmaster is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service -

Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.