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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Old 02-04-19, 06:37 PM
  #126  
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
Im done here. Yall are nuts.

Have fun.
Well, of course. We ride bicycles, don't we.
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Old 02-04-19, 06:55 PM
  #127  
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Talking shop

Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.

It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.

If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.

For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...

When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?

This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.

This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.

This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.

I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.

So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?

-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?

-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?

It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.

It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).

After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
,........
I insisted on going on a solo tour once a year. That resulted in a prolonged separation.
You said the conversation was almost entirely bike orented. That was a bit rude and sounds like it escalated from there. I wouldn't overreact though and stop doing a hobby you love. It's OK to have a few interests that don't include the other. Some might say it's even healthy. If you stop enjoying a sociable ride and blaming the other for keeping you from it, you'll soon turn resentful.
She may be a bit jealous so try to explain your passion and maybe she'll understand. If not, well, I'd keep enjoying the group rides anyway and she'll just have to accept you as you are. Keep in mind I've remarried to someone that understands my lifelong passion.
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Old 02-04-19, 07:06 PM
  #128  
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
Im done here. Yall are nuts.

Have fun.
Yea I don't have much more time to spend here either ..... I'm trying to decide on my fourth bike purchase, C&V or gravel..... . Mmm, maybe I can ask this group here...... Lol
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Old 02-04-19, 10:54 PM
  #129  
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Originally Posted by Koyote View Post
I'm sure I'll regret this, but okay, since a few posters have asked, I'll give some examples. And by the way, I find any sexism disturbing. Just like I find any racism disturbing. (OBoile, your question is odd. Is there some level of sexism that you find not disturbing, i.e. acceptable?)
Actual sexism is unacceptable. But...
Originally Posted by Koyote View Post
Post #50 refers to "toxic femininity." The OP's description of the problem makes it sound relatively un-gendered - it's just a problem between spouses. Using the term "toxic femininity" is an attempt to minimize the wife's complaint merely because she's a woman. (If the man had a problem with his wife's friends coming over and talking incessantly about knitting and kittens, would the same poster describe his reaction as "toxic masculinity"? Probably not.)
This (post 50) is an odd comment to be sure, but I'm not sure it's sexist.
Originally Posted by Koyote View Post
Post #67 is just anti-female. If you don't see that, you're beyond redemption.
Apparently both my wife and I are beyond redemption. We saw this as a joke, nothing more. Her answer is: yes, he's still wrong.
Originally Posted by Koyote View Post
And, after my initial observation, Post #86 continues the trend with a neanderthal bent - I mean, who really talks (or writes) like this in 2019? Though plenty of earlier posts convey the same sentiment, just a bit less overtly and crudely.
The idea that the wife may be in the wrong is not sexism. The idea that he should stand up for himself isn't sexism. Conflating standing up for oneself with being a man kind of is, but if this is the worst you've got (and this was after your initial post on the matter), I don't see it as comment worthy.
Originally Posted by Koyote View Post
There you go.
I guess I'm still just not seeing it.
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Old 02-04-19, 11:01 PM
  #130  
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Originally Posted by MovingViolation View Post
OP: Breath deeply. Then Google Red Pill and follow your nose up and down various rabbit holes. We humans are the product of a very long period of evolution. Things start to make a bit more sense when one steps away from the Official Narrative and takes an eyes wide open deep dive into Evolutionary Biology.

Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.

For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
Originally Posted by Koyote View Post
...aaand now the sexism officially crosses over into scary-ville. Really fringe, nutjob stuff.
Now, on this, we agree completely.
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Old 02-04-19, 11:22 PM
  #131  
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Let me get this straight: Your friendship with your local cycling buddies is ruined, because you had the audacity to talk about bikes with them, at your own birthday party?

All because your wife threw a fit like a selfish, spoiled child. She is the obvious problem here and she should apologize for her behavior.
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Old 02-04-19, 11:31 PM
  #132  
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Originally Posted by 308jerry View Post
Yea I don't have much more time to spend here either ..... I'm trying to decide on my fourth bike purchase, C&V or gravel..... . Mmm, maybe I can ask this group here...... Lol
Get a C&V gravel bike.
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Old 02-05-19, 06:54 AM
  #133  
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when my wife sees former co-workers, they talk about health care and what they are doing now. When we see friends that have the same interests as me, (guns and bikes), she listens and gives me the same respect as I give her. When like people are together, they will talk shop. Neither of us get mad at the other.
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Old 02-05-19, 08:30 AM
  #134  
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Wow

So your wife is that mad bc she didnt like the topic of conversation? Did she like your friends? I feel like you can have your own friends but the fact you dont entertain them at home doesnt make them any less your friends. Certainly not to the point you isolate yourself.

have them over when your wife has other plans or is out of town. Host a get together at a restaurant or bar. Lots of places have a spare room you can book.

friends are friends entertaining them is not a requirement. Your wife sounds a little intolerant.
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Old 02-05-19, 09:02 AM
  #135  
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Originally Posted by General Geoff View Post
All because your wife threw a fit like a selfish, spoiled child. She is the obvious problem here and she should apologize for her behavior.
Or, maybe there was an agreement he violated. Or, maybe there is deeper issues in the marriage and this is just a boil over. Or, maybe he was indeed just ignoring a large part of the people that were there for him by only talking to a couple of his friends. Or, a lot of other scenarios, any number of which may well be that she was in the wrong.

None of that can be determined by the info given, though.
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Old 02-05-19, 09:20 AM
  #136  
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Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
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Old 02-05-19, 10:28 AM
  #137  
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Originally Posted by wgscott View Post
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
You ever read up on Connie Berto? She's been a vocal activist for restricting trails from MTB riding in Southern California for decades. Charlie Cunningham wrote her a letter arguing against the case she laid out in 1989, for example. Also is Frank Berto's wife, which seems like a relationship that could be a little strained at times.
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Old 02-05-19, 10:53 AM
  #138  
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Originally Posted by stephr1 View Post
Ah, communications.....the great relationship killer
Yeah, my wife likes to complain about how I never listen to her, yadda yadda yadda... or something.
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Old 02-05-19, 11:02 AM
  #139  
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Yeah, shortly after we got married I told my wife we had a communication problem ... she didn't want to talk about it.
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Old 02-05-19, 11:15 AM
  #140  
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Bad behavor often begets bad advice

Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
>BIG SNIP<
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
>SNIP<
Unless the group includes plenty of people who don't share the hobby, discussions are likely to degenerate, because someone is the odd man out. (In this case it was your wife. And if she did all the preparatory and cleanup work before and after your party, her being upset does not seem particularly out of line to me. After all, she did not marry you to be abandoned by you...)

And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
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Old 02-05-19, 12:16 PM
  #141  
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Originally Posted by Milton Keynes View Post
Yeah, my wife likes to complain about how I never listen to her, yadda yadda yadda... or something.
"Are you even listening to me???"
I've always wondered why my wife starts her conversations with that statement.....
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Old 02-05-19, 01:43 PM
  #142  
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Originally Posted by wgscott View Post
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
Or worse: he is a mountain biker and she is an equestrian.
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Old 02-05-19, 02:04 PM
  #143  
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Originally Posted by slowrevs View Post
Unless the group includes plenty of people who don't share the hobby, discussions are likely to degenerate, because someone is the odd man out. (In this case it was your wife. And if she did all the preparatory and cleanup work before and after your party, her being upset does not seem particularly out of line to me. After all, she did not marry you to be abandoned by you...)

And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
I'm agreeing, here. I think that there were unsaid expectations surrounding this party that led to her frustration and angry outburst. Better (and more sensitive) discussion on the part of the husband would have been helpful.

Funny, I thought that male chauvinist pigs had all become extinct. Like the dodo...
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Old 02-05-19, 02:18 PM
  #144  
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Originally Posted by wgscott View Post
Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?

The police were called when a stem cap was hurled across the room.
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Old 02-05-19, 02:20 PM
  #145  
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If the OP has learned that this is a really dumb place to look for relationship advice, our work here is done.

Excellent lousy job, everyone.
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Old 02-05-19, 03:41 PM
  #146  
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My wife while alive never did this sort of thing nor does my girl friend currently . Course I wouldnt invite a bunch of people over for dinner without checking first ...

We do not share similar interests but we do ave certain activities we share as a couple ..

i like to ride bikes and I rarely involve her , she likes high tea, and art events which includes her lady friends .

our respective groups do not overlap
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Old 02-05-19, 03:57 PM
  #147  
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Next party, you need to bring up discussions about painting nails, plastic fingernails, airbrushing nails, makeup foundations, eye shadow, split ends, hilights, lipstick tones, curling hair, straightening hair, ... etc.

Pretty soon you'll be sent away and told to go find someone to talk about bicycles.
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Old 02-05-19, 04:16 PM
  #148  
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If you didnt have small kids, Id say run like hell. Since you do and probably want to keep things together, Id suggest a marriage counselor. Someone who can help you both see things more clearly and help you get what you want out of marriage and life.
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Old 02-05-19, 04:46 PM
  #149  
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Originally Posted by livedarklions View Post
If the OP has learned that this is a really dumb place to look for relationship advice, our work here is done.

Excellent lousy job, everyone.
I was one who suggested marriage counseling. I admit, an internet message board, even a fine one like Bike Forums, is a terrible place for relationship advice.
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Old 02-05-19, 08:54 PM
  #150  
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
Im done here. Yall are nuts.

Have fun.
You stewed over your marital nonsense for a year and everyone else is nuts?
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