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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

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Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up

Old 02-05-19, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz
I'm agreeing, here. I think that there were unsaid expectations surrounding this party that led to her frustration and angry outburst. Better (and more sensitive) discussion on the part of the husband would have been helpful.

Funny, I thought that male chauvinist pigs had all become extinct. Like the dodo...
Uh oh.
Someone is wearing their SJW pjs
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Old 02-05-19, 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted by downhillmaster

Uh oh.
Someone is wearing their SJW pjs
I presume that SJW = “Social justice warrior“?

Do you prefer social injustice?
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Old 02-05-19, 10:07 PM
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Ive only read the opening post.

​​​​​​If i i had my car mates round, that'd bore her to tears. She'd feel alienated just as I do when work mates are chatting football (something I know nothing about and have no interest in).

Its possible the evening was awkward for her, she felt out in the cold, she felt alone.
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Old 02-05-19, 11:10 PM
  #154  
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Originally Posted by stephr1
…Ah, communications.....the great relationship killer

Good luck.....
Originally Posted by Milton Keynes
Yeah, my wife likes to complain about how I never listen to her, yadda yadda yadda... or something.
Originally Posted by Maelochs
Yeah, shortly after we got married I told my wife we had a communication problem ... she didn't want to talk about it.
Originally Posted by 308jerry
"Are you even listening to me???"

I've always wondered why my wife starts her conversations with that statement.....
Yeah, well my wife complains too that we don’t communicate, but she just doesn’t read my memos.

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Old 02-06-19, 03:36 AM
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Wit appreciated.
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Old 02-06-19, 06:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Koyote


I presume that SJW = “Social justice warrior“?

Do you prefer social injustice?
Nope. But I haven’t seen any real social injustice in many years. Lot’s of ‘warriors’ though looking for it lol
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Old 02-06-19, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by downhillmaster

Nope. But I haven’t seen any real social injustice in many years. Lot’s of ‘warriors’ though looking for it lol
Wow. You should check the news now and then. And I don't mean Fox.
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Old 02-06-19, 07:07 AM
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politics great!
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Old 02-06-19, 07:25 AM
  #159  
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Originally Posted by downhillmaster

Uh oh.
Someone is wearing their SJW pjs
Nope. Don't care a lick about social justice. I'm just an experienced marriage warrior, and I know that men and women need to work to be compatible with each other. Differences, you know...
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Old 02-06-19, 07:37 AM
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Stopped reading after 2 pages. Is OP still with his wife or not?
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Old 02-06-19, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Koyote


I presume that SJW = “Social justice warrior“?

Do you prefer social injustice?
You are aware that, like members in any movement, there are those in the social justice movement that take things too far right?
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Old 02-06-19, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by downhillmaster

Nope. But I haven’t seen any real social injustice in many years. Lot’s of ‘warriors’ though looking for it lol
Dude, come on. I'm getting on Koyote's case a bit here, but really?
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Old 02-06-19, 08:08 AM
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Too far right? I thought social justice movements tend to be neutral to be mildly left, but maybe it is different in the US.
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Old 02-06-19, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz
Nope. Don't care a lick about social justice. I'm just an experienced marriage warrior, and I know that men and women need to work to be compatible with each other. Differences, you know...
So, bringing this back on topic, you don't think a spouse should get to hang out with their choice of people and do their choice of activities (within reason obviously) on their birthday?
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Old 02-06-19, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by OBoile
So, bringing this back on topic, you don't think a spouse should get to hang out with their choice of people and do their choice of activities (within reason obviously) on their birthday?
No, certainly not in this scenario. A spouse shouldn't "get to" do anything. What are we, 12 years old? Married couples talk about things, and talk through social events in advance. Is one spouse preparing a meal for the other, or inviting family members to the event? That bears consideration. Dropping in with riding buddies unannounced (or planned spur of the minute) is probably a foul on its face. The husband in this instance can hang out with riding buddies on any weekend. Why on this particular time? Does this have anything to do with the invited family members, or not wanting to spend time with them? Is there something unsaid? The OP explanation was not satisfactory on that score.

For myself, my birthdays are the day where my wife and daughters decide what they'd like to do with their dad. I comply and enjoy their company. I would not consider what I "get to do" other than to honor the effort that my wife and girls make. Whatever that might be.

That's why I've never gone on a "birthday ride". Because I choose not to.
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Old 02-06-19, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz
No, certainly not in this scenario. A spouse shouldn't "get to" do anything. What are we, 12 years old? Married couples talk about things, and talk through social events in advance. Is one spouse preparing a meal for the other, or inviting family members to the event? That bears consideration. Dropping in with riding buddies unannounced (or planned spur of the minute) is probably a foul on its face. The husband in this instance can hang out with riding buddies on any weekend. Why on this particular time? Does this have anything to do with the invited family members, or not wanting to spend time with them? Is there something unsaid? The OP explanation was not satisfactory on that score.

For myself, my birthdays are the day where my wife and daughters decide what they'd like to do with their dad. I comply and enjoy their company. I would not consider what I "get to do" other than to honor the effort that my wife and girls make. Whatever that might be.

That's why I've never gone on a "birthday ride". Because I choose not to.
Well, you and I disagree completely on this then.
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Old 02-06-19, 08:43 AM
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I think your wife has serious issues. I know that I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behavior.
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Old 02-06-19, 08:47 AM
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I got over birthday celebrations for myself when I was about twelve.
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Old 02-06-19, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Spoonrobot
We did.
I read how, on his birthday, his wife chose to create a serious argument about the most minor social miscue. Something so minor it probably wouldn't have raised an eyebrow for most people.
Literally: On his birthday he had friends over and they talked about his hobby. This led to reading:
How she called his friends "crazy people" and "nutters" and told her husband he was no longer allowed to have those people over again.
How he received a tongue lashing and apparently had to endure a cuss-fest.
For talking about his hobby with friends on his birthday.
Then she watched as he stopped doing group rides, took the stickers off his car and stopped spending time with his friends. His wife has stood silent as his experience in this world has become more lonely and isolated. Driven by her behavior towards him.
This is extremely toxic behavior, from his wife. She created the issue due to her poor behavior and the responsibility to resolve it lies on her shoulders as well.
To the OP, I reiterate; seek help from a professional and know that you have done nothing wrong.
I agree. The OP wrote because the incident jarred him significantly enough to reduce behavior that he enjoyed, and even removed stickers from his car. And the wife's behavior is toxic.

I would add an alternative take for consideration. When i got married, our pastor used a parable, the point of which was the same as the story of the grain of sand in the shoe. Initially, a grain of sand is irritating, but if you ignore it, it becomes a blister, then an open wound, then an infection, then gangrene, and then (if you don't amputate), death.

How much time does the OP spend riding? Could this behavior on his wife's part have been a "last straw" type of thing, as in "He rides 4 nights a week and Saturday mornings without me. Now he wants to extend his riding hours into what little time we have together alone by bringing his idiot riding friends into our home!" Could his riding have been a grain of sand in her shoe, without him realizing it? Add up the hours you spend riding vs the hours you spend together. Also, does your job require long hours? That may add to an issue like this. It may be that the OP and his wife have different ideas about what it means, and what it takes, to be happily married. She may be jealous, and instead of bringing it up and talking about it, the party caused it to explode and came out really, really inappropriately.

IMHO (married 37 years*) marriage requires self-time and together-time. If riding a few times a week is really important to you, and the wife is going to be jealous, inappropriate, and controlling to keep you from that activity, its time for some hard thinking. And discussion to get to the heart of it. Given the level of intensity from the wife, I'd say that a professional would be a good neutral arbiter.

If, on the other hand, this behavior forms a pattern and is typical of the wife's interaction with the OP and other people, I'd think things through a little more deeply, and would consider all options.

But Spoonrobot is right: if the issue is that the wife is cuckoo for cocoa puffs (that is, she's wrong and the OP did nothing wrong) then tiptoeing around the issue won't solve it. And if there is some issue that the OP can (and should change), for example, working 50 hour weeks and then spending 10 hours a week riding and another 3 doing bike maintenance, then the same is true: removing group ride stickers ain't gonna cut it.

So, I'd suggest some sort of counseling. May help to do this, to foster productive conversations. Sounds like better communication is needed here.

Last edited by WizardOfBoz; 02-06-19 at 09:00 AM.
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Old 02-06-19, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by downhillmaster
... I haven’t seen any real social injustice in many years.
Translation: "I'm a white dude".
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Old 02-06-19, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz
No, certainly not in this scenario. A spouse shouldn't "get to" do anything. What are we, 12 years old? ...

...For myself, my birthdays are the day where my wife and daughters decide what they'd like to do with their dad. I comply and enjoy their company. I would not consider what I "get to do" other than to honor the effort that my wife and girls make. Whatever that might be.

That's why I've never gone on a "birthday ride". Because I choose not to.
This is exactly what I've been thinking throughout this whole thread.

I have "me time" throughout the week, usually dictated by work/school/activity schedules not necessarily by choice, and I try to make good use of it. On special occasions, I prefer to spend that time with my family. There seem to be a lot of birthday-zillas around here.
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Old 02-06-19, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz
No, certainly not in this scenario. A spouse shouldn't "get to" do anything. What are we, 12 years old? Married couples talk about things, and talk through social events in advance. Is one spouse preparing a meal for the other, or inviting family members to the event? That bears consideration. Dropping in with riding buddies unannounced (or planned spur of the minute) is probably a foul on its face. The husband in this instance can hang out with riding buddies on any weekend. Why on this particular time? Does this have anything to do with the invited family members, or not wanting to spend time with them? Is there something unsaid? The OP explanation was not satisfactory on that score.

For myself, my birthdays are the day where my wife and daughters decide what they'd like to do with their dad. I comply and enjoy their company. I would not consider what I "get to do" other than to honor the effort that my wife and girls make. Whatever that might be.

That's why I've never gone on a "birthday ride". Because I choose not to.
I agree with everything you wrote but that last line.

My wife gives me a 'birthday ride' each year.
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Old 02-06-19, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Koyote
I agree with everything you wrote but that last line.

My wife gives me a 'birthday ride' each year.
And they say people from your country have a sense of humour. Schoolboy play on words.
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Old 02-06-19, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by avole
And they say people from your country have a sense of humour. Schoolboy play on words.
On behalf of all Icelanders, I take offense.
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Old 02-06-19, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Milton Keynes
I was one who suggested marriage counseling. I admit, an internet message board, even a fine one like Bike Forums, is a terrible place for relationship advice.
Think I said "get counseling" or "talk to people who know you" was the only responsible advice we could give.

"Get counseling" isn't really relationship advice, it's advice to go somewhere else for advice.
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