burnthesheep

I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.

It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.

If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.

For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...

When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?

This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.

This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.

This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.

I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.

So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?

-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?

-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?

It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.

It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).

After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.

avole

Happy Feet

To confirm: You ride with a group, had some over for dinner, talked a lot about cycling, wife is that mad?

Almost every activity specific group gets like that. My wife sings in a chorus and when her girls get over that's all they talk (and sing) about. That's 20 years, two chorus's, three quartets, often practicing for hours around our kitchen island. Sometimes I listen for a while or go do something else but I am happy that my kids have grown up in a home full of music where they saw women working hard at a craft. When work friends come over it's the same thing, they talk about health care. Now I work in the field too so I fit in a bit better.

I'm just glad she has such good friends instead of bringing people home she met in the bar.

A relationship should be about bringing out the best in each other and supporting passions - not crimping them. How does she react when she gets together with her friends and they talk about their stuff?

Doctor Morbius

A group of like minded cyclists will talk shop. It's their hobby for f**k's sake and they enjoy it.

Next time don't invite the wife as she sounds like the problem, unless you're not telling the whole story.

EDIT: Better yet, this year go on the group ride but hang out at your girlfriend's place afterward ... the hot, young, twenty-something girlfriend's place.

tagaproject6

"Tongue lashing, cuss fest"....whoah! Deeper issues involved besides bike riding. Reverse the situation and curse out your wife and see how well that goes.

PatrickGSR94

Certainly it's a normal thing to have people over who share the same hobbies and passions as you. Almost everyone does that or participates in that kind of get-together at some point in their lives. But at the same time for someone who doesn't share that passion, they can feel totally isolated from everyone else who is talking and having fun during the event. In the future, when having people over, perhaps try to be sure there will be someone there who can talk to your wife about what she is interested in, or maybe have some of her friends over at the same time.

Happy Feet

Uh.. it was one dinner party. How about just expecting her to suck it up instead of jumping through hoops. Have you never gone to a spouses work Xmas party? Gone to a spouses family reunion? a spouses sports team dinner or BBQ? These things happen.

Juan Foote

Yeah...I may not be understanding the dynamic here.

You went on a ride that day and enjoyed yourself. You had a party planned for later and had people over. You and the like minded cyclist group sat around and talked about cycling, and the wife got mad because you: didn't play the host and go around talking to everyone? Excluded others from conversation in a knowing way? What?

I have often found that with any party there will be cliques that tend to gravitate towards each other and have their own 'micro' conversation within the group as a whole.
Unless you were meaningfully rude to others, like purposefully ignoring them, I see no issue with your being excited and talking about the activity you enjoyed that very day. She may have felt that as the host you should have been going around seeing everyone.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to break this event into a couple. Do your ride and have "those" friends over for that party. Give it a day or so and then have another party for the "other" friends.

At face value I feel like I might be inclined to say your wife was a ….needed to relax.

canklecat

Sounds like my first ex-wife. If everything wasn't always all about her, it was crap. From what I've heard she's the same now almost 40 years later with her second, then ex-, then remarried again sucker for a husband.

Maybe your wife has other redeeming qualities. Mine didn't. But if yours does, figure out some way to separate your interests without quitting bicycling.

burnthesheep

This is what I was thinking. People are different I suppose.

It's not like our daily lives are some kind of comedy movie train wreck or something. We get on really well 99% of the time.

To address the valid point of the other posters above, the guy with a wife that sings is a great example of how I wished it could go. I don't always care to have to meet people out. But, it seems like she's more the person to take the ladies night to the local restaurant instead and then head home.

They've never gotten together, the ladies, at the house. It's always out somewhere.

In terms of the tongue lashing, after you call a group of people "crazy people", how do you expect me to feel about ever being around them?

NoWhammies

I'm not quite understanding the dynamic here. I mean a) if I had work people over for dinner, we'd end up talking about work b) if I had running friends over for dinner, we'd end up talking about running c) if I had photography friends over for dinner we'd talk about photography.

It's the common ground between us, so it is natural that it will come up in conversation.

Am I missing something here?

kingston 

My wife and I have three types of friends; her friends, my friends and our friends. We have found over the years that it works better for us if her friends and my friends don't come over to the house. It's not that big of a deal. Everybody doesn't have to like being around everybody else.

Maelochs

Ever read a post and think "Iceberg"?

Koyote

In a social setting, it's polite to find topics of common interest, to ask people questions, to be inclusive. So, there might be some blame for you and your friends.

In a marriage, it's polite to avoid "violent outbursts" and "tongue lashing," so there might be some blame for your wife - perhaps unless she was provoked during a heated discussion.

Back in my old town, I had a pretty solid riding crew. Only a few of them would've integrated well with our other friends (i.e., would've had shared interests and experiences), and so those were the riding buddies (and spouses) with whom we socialized outside of the cycling context. In other words, if your spouse doesn't share your passion for cycling, you might need to manage these situations a bit.

mrv 

@burnthesheep
if you're spouse is not so keen on constant bike-talk, then next year do a morning group ride; finish at a pub / cafe; hang out for a long b-day lunch and bike-talk; then head home to your spouse and talk about.... whatever she likes to talk about.
just let her know your b-day brunch/lunch is a bunch of bikers sitting around talking about bikes and tire pressures and chamois creams.

my wife does not bike (but is fine spending an evening at the velodrome)
my wife hates camping.
so I go bike camping every now & then solo. ....but I've also NEVER had her start swearing and ranting at anyone, so I think I've got a much easier situation to live with....
sorry, man.

nomadmax 

It was your birthday and you didn't do anything that hurt anyone else. Frankly, in this day an age, most people at a party aren't really "there", they're glued to their phones and Facebook "sharing" about the good time they're having at a great party. If someone gets invited to my house they're either a rabid cyclist or motorcyclist (and I don't mean they merely own a bicycle or motorcycle). If anyone finds themselves bored with conversation of either subject; the door is easy to find.

I don't think I understand a set of "rules" for someone enjoying their own birthday. If it created that much friction between me and my SO, I'd do one of two things; tell them not celebrate my birthday from here on out, OR, "hit the door". I'm too old to change even if I wanted to.

avole

jadocs

Ok:
1. Your birthday = your day
2. Your day involved doing something you loved with your friends and had them over for dinner, because hey..it's your birthday
3. BIL = brother in law as in her brother just happened to be there - irrelevant to the situation

My opinion is your wife should be more understanding and support you on your special day.

curbtender

We usually get a pass on our birthday, don't we? I have some friends that can be, let's say, over the top, especially when drinking. So kids sleeping, a wife trying to clean up and say goodbyes to the others. I kind of see her point and still get the feeling I'm missing something here.

jadocs

Everyone has a different personality, but my wife doesn't ride. She does come and meet me and my ride group for lunch afterwards. She talks with the other wives and cracks on me about how anal I am about my bike and how she wishes I would keep it out of the living room.

avole

jadocs

There could, I'm just basing my opinion based on what he wrote. The OP knows if he is holding any relevant info back, and if that's the case he probably already knows he's wrong.

BirdsBikeBinocs

Why does your wife seem to think others have a splinter in their eye when she has a rafter in hers.?? She shouldn't judge your riding friends on that one get together. And you should put your stickers back on your car and go for a ride with them.

Do NOT divorce her. Yet.

Spoonrobot 

Your wife is wrong.

It's time to seriously consider who you are and what you want in life. Your wife chose to act in such a way to destroy your enjoyment of an activity very dear to you as well as impair your strong positive relationships with other people. This is extremely toxic behavior. If you cannot find a common appeal to your wife that makes her understand she is wrong and needs to correct her behavior, it's worthwhile to shop around for a therapist who can assist you in creating an argument that will appear to her emotional side.

Double down on the group riding. A life cannot be lived in a healthy enjoyable manner with someone who would choose such an overreaction to a benign event. You need to stay in strong relationships that are beneficial to your mental health. Put the stickers back on your car and do the group rides you were doing, invite the people over and explicitly state to your wife this is acceptable behavior and is not something she should be upset over.

This breaks my heart. When I was active in the psychological community it was common to see one side of a marriage attempt to change their behavior after drastic over-reactions from the other side. It never worked and always led to resentment and further relationship strife. Read this for what it is, your wife has chosen to drive you away from your peers, into a more isolated existence in a hobby you enjoy. This is a very big issue that needs to be addressed, the heavy lifting is entirely on your wife. This is a not an issue that will be resolved by anything you can do, you can contribute to a positive outcome but your wife is going to be the final determination as her toxic behavior is at the core of problem.

I seriously advise you to find a therapist who will work with you on your own first, to help you clarify your feelings and be able to express them in a constructive way. Then bring your wife in as well and create a dialogue together. This will either start the path to reconciliation or clarify what your next steps are going to have to be.

OldTryGuy

I'm thinking that if your wife had arranged things for the dinner with BIL and wife being invited to celebrate with you and you decided to also invite the "guys" over, then the polite thing to do was to include all in some conversation. For someone to go ballistic because they were ignored is a bit much but being upset is reasonable.


Discuss the situation and continue to ride with the group if it brings you enjoyment ---- she should understand.