General Cycling Discussion Have a cycling related question or comment that doesn't fit in one of the other specialty forums? Drop on in and post in here! When possible, please select the forum above that most fits your post!

Balancing Cycling and Marriage

Old 06-02-19, 11:51 AM
  #51  
bakerjw
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NE Tennessee
Posts: 782

Bikes: Giant TCR/Surly Karate Monkey/Foundry FireTower/Curtlo Tandem

Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 128 Post(s)
Liked 48 Times in 36 Posts
My wife is visually impaired and relies on me for virtually everything. We're both in our mid 50s and have been married 35 years. She was always a homebody and I was always one to be outside doing things. Oftentimes she would feel neglected. Then the day came when our oldest son left for college and very shortly thereafter, our youngest left for basic training. Empty nesters in about 3 months and it was a very difficult transition. We eventually overcame though.

Originally Posted by DT Tandem View Post
My wife and I are empty nesters as well. What took 2 years to talk her into was a tandem. Once she tried it she loved it and it is how we spend time together.
It may not be for everyone but is definitely worth a try.
Good luck to both of you.
Tandems are called marriage wreckers as well as marriage savers. There is a common joke about tandems that they will help a marriage get to where it is headed faster. When we went on our first tandem ride, we knew that iot was for us in the first 1/4 mile.
Some of the things that you mentioned with your wife are similar to mine. Her vision is poor and she does ride her own bike in certain instances but she really enjoys riding on the tandem with me. I control the shifting, braking, steering, etc... and all she needs to do is pedal and enjoy. Group rides are fun for her as she will chat with others without haveing to worry about colliding or hitting anyone. Our first few descents were frightening for her but she has gotten accustomed to them and trusts in my abilities to keep us upright and safe. We recently got our mountain tandem out on some gravel and jeep trails in our local mountains and she was tentative the first few bouncing descents.

Hope you can find something that works for the both of you.
bakerjw is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 02:47 PM
  #52  
Wileyrat
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tucson Az
Posts: 1,311

Bikes: 2015 Ridley Fenix, 1983 Team Fuji, 1985 Novara Strada, 2013 BD Motobecane 650ht, 90 Trek 850

Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 238 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 8 Times in 7 Posts
All I can say is I'm very fortunate my wife supports my riding. In fact, the last time I was was off the bike for a long time, it was my wife that encouraged me to get back into riding.

She may have an occasional issue with the expense, but I do my own repairs, and as she said, with me being diabetic, it's much better that I ride than not.
Wileyrat is offline  
Likes For Wileyrat:
Old 06-02-19, 04:16 PM
  #53  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by wgscott View Post
I'm very fortunate in that arguably the best ride around here is my commute to work and back. This is about 22 miles of rural roads, 1/4 gravel, and loads of climbing (about 3000 ft total). It is a lot easier to justify a ride if it is commuting time.
Bicycle commuting twice a week was one of the ways I've always tried to be more efficient with my cycling. I get about two 50 minute workouts in 25 minutes each. I would have to spend 25 minutes driving. Unfortunately, it also gets me home about 30 minutes later than if I drive (changing clothes and putting my bike away).
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:17 PM
  #54  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by FiftySix View Post
Do you have dogs?

If not, and your wife isn't allergic, get two dogs. Her pick.

Dogs make excellent fill-ins for children of empty nesters. Or near empty nesters.

My wife treats our two dogs like children since our actual children no longer need mothering.
We have a fantastic dog. He does help the situation.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Likes For Bassmanbob:
Old 06-02-19, 04:19 PM
  #55  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by tkamd73 View Post
You’ll be way more miserable divorced, then cycling less, just sayin.
Tim
Agreed. I'm just trying to find ways to be more efficient and get the training in I'd like to. I will decrease my cycling time.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:24 PM
  #56  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by DT Tandem View Post
My wife and I are empty nesters as well. What took 2 years to talk her into was a tandem. Once she tried it she loved it and it is how we spend time together.

It may not be for everyone but is definitely worth a try.

Good luck to both of you.
We've talked about tandems, but cycling in general has become a difficult subject. I may have talked about getting a tandem for us too much, and she has become turned off by the idea. So I don't bring up the tandem idea anymore.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:26 PM
  #57  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by AlmostTrick View Post
Your wife is telling you she has some serious complaints. Your job is to hear her and validate her feelings. And then work on meeting her needs as best you can. It's not that she doesn't want you to cycle, it's that she wants and needs things from you that she is not getting. Give them to her!

You will likely need to cut back on cycling for a bit, but if you take proper care of her you might find she will be happy to see you spending time with your hobby.

If I was in your situation, the last thing I would do right now is negotiate for cycle time. Or try to justify my present cycle time in any way. I'd just quietly cut back and work on satisfying her needs and desires. Soon, I'd expect to find myself pedaling happily with her blessings.

I'm 58, and my wife and I have been married 36 years. Together 40!



Wife and family first, everything else will follow.
Thank you for this. I think it's one of the most helpful things said so far.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:30 PM
  #58  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by mstateglfr View Post
Agreed. And I said as much in the subsequent two sentences from what you quoted.

In the end, mutual respect and interest in cooperation is required. Thst means both people need to want to work to give and take.
I totally agree.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:34 PM
  #59  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by Hondo Gravel View Post
Bassmanbob. I was thinking you were a bass fisherman with a bass boat I was going to say take her bass fishing with you.
LOL. Yeah, I get confused people with that. I've played bass guitar in bands that play rock, classic pop, current pop, disco, Motown from the 1950's to the current day.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Likes For Bassmanbob:
Old 06-02-19, 04:36 PM
  #60  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by Paul Barnard View Post
Next time she's watching TV, turn it off and tell her to pay attention to you. Next time she'd napping, wake her up and tell her you need attention. If you do that religiously, I think you'll see fewer issues with your bicycling time.
I appreciate your reply, but I think this would be antagonistically counter productive.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:39 PM
  #61  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by RVH View Post
250 miles a month probably eats at least 25 hours a month with prep, planning, showering, etc. That's a lot of time and strain on a marriage. Somehow you need to make her feel she is more important than the riding. Figure that out. How about "dates", dinners together at the dinner table, not in front of the tv, planned excursions.

Good luck. My first wife had the same issues. It's one of the reasons I am on wife #2 who is much more sympathetic and rides with me occasionally. One of the things we do is to plan our week. That way we know when we'll be together, how to plan things together (like gardening, of which my wife is a master and I am the hired help, but we're together and she sees me being involved in her stuff.)
I like the idea of date nights. We used to do this; I need to start this again. We do excursions on the weekends to local gardens, hiking or other attractions. Date night during the week would be a good idea.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Likes For Bassmanbob:
Old 06-02-19, 04:40 PM
  #62  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by hillyman View Post
I would find a Marriage Counselor that rides a bike.
That's pretty funny. Thanks for the comic relief.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 04:43 PM
  #63  
Bassmanbob
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 534

Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket

Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 99 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 9 Posts
Originally Posted by AlmostTrick View Post
Agreed, and that's the goal. Often in an impasse such as this, someone has to give first, take the first substantial steps to help reach that goal. When one gives, their partner is more receptive to doing the same.
Again, I agree with you. I am trying to take the first step to this impasse. It has benefitted our relationship when I've done that in the past.
Bassmanbob is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 05:02 PM
  #64  
Troul
:D
 
Troul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Mich
Posts: 1,545
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Liked 14 Times in 10 Posts
Originally Posted by mstateglfr View Post
Perhaps finding out what she views as reasonable time spent cycling as well as what she wants you to do in the newly formed free time will help you better understand her side.

Good luck.
This is good advice.

If what is explained is not what you see as rational & theirs no middle ground, time to do what will make you both equally happy.
Troul is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 05:06 PM
  #65  
Troul
:D
 
Troul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Mich
Posts: 1,545
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Liked 14 Times in 10 Posts
Originally Posted by Bassmanbob View Post
Again, I agree with you. I am trying to take the first step to this impasse. It has benefitted our relationship when I've done that in the past.
Have you've always been the one to initiate the first step for making things positive for them?

At some point, they need to be the first to step up to the plate. That's if they've never done it in the past.
Troul is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 05:57 PM
  #66  
puma1552
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 609

Bikes: '17 Colnago C-RS (Full 5800); '16 Specialized Sirrus Elite

Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 283 Post(s)
Liked 12 Times in 12 Posts
Geez man, there's a multiquote feature for a reason.
puma1552 is offline  
Likes For puma1552:
Old 06-02-19, 07:20 PM
  #67  
Phil_gretz
Journeyman Bike Commuter
 
Phil_gretz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 5,037

Bikes: '71 Jeunet 630, '79 Peugeot PXN10LE, '88 Fuji Saratoga, '13 Motobecane Fantom29 HT, '16 Motobecane Turino Pro Disc, '16 Motobecane Gran Premio Elite, '18 Velobuild VB-R-022

Mentioned: 11 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 567 Post(s)
Liked 72 Times in 48 Posts
Two things...

1) My wife comes first, so I adapt to suit her, and
2) She and I ride together often

Married 35+ years here...
Phil_gretz is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 07:55 PM
  #68  
02Giant 
Home School Valedictorian
 
02Giant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 2,689

Bikes: 13 Orbea Orca 02 Giant Cypress 88 Mongoose ATB

Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 760 Post(s)
Liked 26 Times in 17 Posts
I ride early in the morning while she sleeps or in the afternoon following work, while she is at work.
__________________
Excuse me if I, have some place in my mind,
Where I go time to time
02Giant is offline  
Old 06-02-19, 09:40 PM
  #69  
PGHNeil
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Pittsburgh, PA US
Posts: 91

Bikes: 2003 Trek 4900, 2019 Trek Marlin 7

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 20 Post(s)
Liked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Bob, your wife deserves your attention, but as many here have said the amount you actually engage in the activity isn't that excessive. When you're around her though, maybe you shouldn't obsess about it so much. Instead, find something the two of you can do together. I agree, sitting on the couch and watching TV isn't it - nor, unfortunately is riding bicycles. What does she like to do, or is she having trouble not being a mom or a daughter anymore?

Whatever the case may be, she clearly needs to talk to a professional and I hope that person can help her face her issues without fear of judgment. That being said, I'd go so far as to saying that her calling your activities (cycling, playing in the band) as being obsessions is just not fair. If anything, she's the one who has obsessions - or at least attachment issues. I don't think your cycling is an obsession. I'd call it exercise - and quite frankly if she's prone to moping the endorphins from getting away and doing it are probably contributing to keeping you sane.

That being said, I think now is the time to focus on the two of you as a couple. She certainly deserves you set up a regular date night, but even better is something that gets you both out of the mundane. When was the last time you two went on a vacation alone?
PGHNeil is offline  
Likes For PGHNeil:
Old 06-02-19, 11:45 PM
  #70  
Machka 
In Real Life
 
Machka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Down under down under
Posts: 51,447

Bikes: Lots

Mentioned: 130 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2870 Post(s)
Liked 71 Times in 50 Posts
Of course ... we're only getting one side of the story here.
Machka is offline  
Likes For Machka:
Old 06-03-19, 12:09 AM
  #71  
MNHarv
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Sartell, MN
Posts: 202

Bikes: Trek Millennia, Trek 400, Raleigh Superbe, Giant OCR3, Bianchi Milano

Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 77 Post(s)
Liked 5 Times in 5 Posts
She's on the musicians' lonely wives forum. It's like the musician's ex wives forum but without all the sordid pool boy stories.
MNHarv is offline  
Old 06-03-19, 01:20 AM
  #72  
downhillmaster
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 664
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 392 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 60 Times in 38 Posts
Originally Posted by TimothyH View Post
Lots of advice from fools in this thread.

A wife doesn't need a hobby or dogs. She needs a husband who spends time with her.

If her husband doesn't spend time with her then she is going to get herself a different husband who will.

Wife comes first. Everything else is secondary to that.


-Tim-
You have no idea what you are talking about.
When does OP state that he is not spending time with his wife?
250 miles per month plus some time spent on related activities leaves more than enough time for a healthy relationship.
Based upon your previous posts I am guessing that you spend twice that much time just researching the wicking properties of fabric and you have never listed about relationship issues.
And FYI, children come first. Always.
Whether they are still in your home or moved out.

Last edited by downhillmaster; 06-03-19 at 01:23 AM.
downhillmaster is offline  
Likes For downhillmaster:
Old 06-03-19, 01:59 AM
  #73  
Machka 
In Real Life
 
Machka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Down under down under
Posts: 51,447

Bikes: Lots

Mentioned: 130 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2870 Post(s)
Liked 71 Times in 50 Posts
Originally Posted by downhillmaster View Post
And FYI, children come first. Always.
Whether they are still in your home or moved out.

Machka is offline  
Old 06-03-19, 06:29 AM
  #74  
Flip Flop Rider
Senior Member
 
Flip Flop Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: South Carolina Upstate
Posts: 1,070

Bikes: 2010 Fuji Absolute 3.0 1994 Trek 850

Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 390 Post(s)
Likes: 0
Liked 17 Times in 12 Posts
unpopular opinion here. go ride when you want and let the chips fall. life is short and will be over soon
Flip Flop Rider is offline  
Likes For Flip Flop Rider:
Old 06-03-19, 06:37 AM
  #75  
FiftySix
where's the gas tank?
 
FiftySix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: S.E. Texas
Posts: 472

Bikes: Norco Cityglide, Schwinn Jaguar, Schwinn Willy

Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 223 Post(s)
Liked 95 Times in 73 Posts
Originally Posted by Machka View Post
Of course ... we're only getting one side of the story here.


Indeed. You ought to see what's being written on the forum the wife visits.

Just kidding around, bassmanbob.
FiftySix is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.