TandemGeek

This is something I found on the Web several years ago that many of you may find enjoyable to read and to many not too hard to believe.

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Cyclo-Math
by Wade Nelson,
Director, Institute of Para-Normal Cycling Studies
(Who you cyclists' gonna call? )


As a federally subsidized research institute dependent on taxpayer dollars, we are constantly under pressure to publish new and humorous cyclo-mathematical articles. Lately, with all the snow and ice, developing and researching new cyclo-mathematical principles and precepts has been challenging. We are therefore once again requesting public participation. If you have experienced a cyclo-mathematical phenomena, please send it in (privately) to the institute. We will carefully research it, document it, and then take complete credit for it by publishing it on hpv in our next posting of Cyclomath. Thanks in advance.

CycloMath principles currently under investigation at the prestigious institute for the study of paranormal cycling phenomena include:

The Unsafe to Ignore Noise Principle, which states: If your bike starts making a once per revolution noise, and you stop to investigate, you will find nothing. and it's corollary: If your bike starts making a once per revolution noise, and you continue riding, your brake pad will eat through your sidewall or something with other equally disastrous results will occur.

The Get you coming or going principle: which states: A tire protected from flatting by "Mr Tuffies" or other tire liners will become flatted by other mechanisms, such as the brake pad rubbing against the sidewall or spoke heads poking through the rim strip. Everything that goes up must come down, we are taught. While lawn darts and arrows shot straight up by 12 year olds may bear this theory out, everyday bicycling offers equal and opposite proof to the contrary.

For example, have you ever encountered a bi-directional opposing headwind (BDOH)? This is a 15 knot gale which is in your face both on the ride out, and also on the ride back. Such a wind is contrary to Newton's obscure, and seldom mentioned 4th law, which deals with weather, and crop circles. Yet, cyclists encounter BDOH's with some regularity. Bi-directional headwinds and other cycling phenomena can be described quite readily using Cyclo-Math. Cyclo-Math is an obscure branch of mathematics for dealing with phenomena which defy all known axioms of Newtonian Physics, and relativistic bicycle mechanics. Cyclo-Math accurately describes para-normal phenomena cyclists encounter almost every day.

Meteorologists have no explanation for the bi-directional opposing headwind, nor can physicists explain the double-ramped hill (DRH). This is a road which poses an uphill climb in either direction, and cannot be coasted back down from either. Some double-ramped hills are actually man-made phenomena. DRH's can be created by highway crews who really don't like cyclists using a special high friction asphalt coating. Motorists never notice the slight increase in drag and simply press the accelerator a little harder. Other DRH's are merely optical illusions, such as a less steep piece of road followed by major steep. The first section can look like a gentle downhill compared to the 7% grade which follows. Yet other DRH's are simply flat stretches of road experiencing a prevailing bi-directional opposing headwind. True DRH's exist, however, and have been documented on virtually every major bicycle training route in the Western US. Some scientists have argued a true DRH's is a macro manifestation of an inverted cannondale quantum tunneling effect.

A subset of Cyclo-Math is Training Group Theory. What TGT says, in so many words, is that no matter how hard you train, when it comes time to race, someone who has trained longer and harder shall appear - usually from out of town. This is kind of like Newton's 3rd law - equal and opposites - except, in TGT, it's always a stronger and faster rider that will oppose you.

Another branch of cyclo-math has to do with tools, pumps, valves, and is called Accesso-Algebra. Like Chaos theory, Accesso-Algebra insists that if someone with Presta valves has a flat, the only rider in the group carrying a pump will have a Schraeder pump. Adapters provide thematrix-relaxation equivalent hardware for Accesso-Algebra, allowing solution of at least one of the equations. Don't leave home without one. Accesso-Algebra has been used to prove that if you break something in the boonies, there's a 97.8% chance you won't have the right tool or spare to fix it, no matter WHAT you carry with you. By carrying an entire, spare bicycle with you, you can only reduce that metric down to 92%. The moral? Give up. Carry nothing and say an ohm to the God's of cycling prior to departure.

Bike shops use Cyclo-Math in figuring out what repairs your bike needs. You know, you go in for a broken spoke, and come out with a new freewheel, a repacked headset, and a RockShock Mag21. The ability to convert $2 worth of spokes into $200 worth of service and parts is why bike shop owners love Cyclo-Math.

For spoke length and gearing calculations, Cyclo-Math says it all. No matter what beautiful and fantastic lacing pattern you come up with, spokes of the necessary length do not exist. You'll have to cut them. Ditto for gearing. For any desired gearing arrangement -- half step, mis-step, or Texas two- step, Cyclomath ensures the cogs you'll need to make it happen will not be available, at least not at your local bike shop. Crossing a time zone can flatten the cyclo-math matrix, meaning mail order cogs MAY be available which will meet your needs.

Motorists use cyclo-math when choosing how and when to un-safely pass a cyclist. If there's a car back, and a car up, there's a 99.44% chance they will BOTH adjust their trajectories to cross paths at exactly at the point in the road where you are cycling, no matter what speed they were traveling at previously. These are the same people who can't solve the train going 40 mph problems in 7th grade, but CycloMath provides such intuitive solutions to intercept trajectories even Iraqi pilots are able to utilize it. Any chain-suck your bike has recently experienced can be amplified by the Cyclo-Math matrix to suck a 4000 pound passing pickup truck over to where their rear view mirror will pass within inches of you. Its like a pinhead sized black hole sucking in a 4AU neutron star. Logic, math, and chain suck are all warped in Cyclo-Math-space. Grok it, and you can cyclo-tour the universe.

Potholes, road debris, gravel, glass, and dogs are strategically located along preferred cycling routes using a Cyclo-math computer program at the Department of Transportation. The orange trucks now have GPS receivers to tell them, within plus or minus three feet, where to lay down a major crack in the asphalt or where to throw a shovelful of gravel. This is the same exact spot where Billy Bob will finish his Pabst Blue Ribbon and throw the empty out the window, completely unaware he's caught up in the Cyclo-Math web of influence.

Cyclists can also be found using cyclo-math. Instead of pedaling ten pounds of lard off their butts, and in the process getting in great shape, they'll spend an extra $1000 on a titanium framed bike that's ten pounds lighter. The cyclo-math here has to do with fractions and proportions. For example, if a titanium road bike costs $175 per pound saved, and a Double-Whopper with cheese, large fries, apple pie and a shake will put exactly two and a half pounds of lard on your ass, how many whoppers do you have to eat to justify buying that Clark Kent frame? Its easy! Just use Cyclo-math!

If you've encountered any other para-normal situations where Cyclo-Math based phenomena appeared to be occurring, (repeat ably) please contact the author. Your name will be kept anonymous while our team of experts wearing the appropriate bicycling safety gear go out and investigate.


Wade H. Nelson, Freelance Writer, Cyclist and Electronic Journalist WADENELSON@FRONTIER.COM

Inkwolf

Bi-directional headwinds...I meet those all the time.

Portent

Very funny, it's sad but true! I can personally attest to the bi-directional opposing headwind phenomena, I swear I experience the phenomenon everyime I ride.

Thanks for the laugh, Portent

D*Alex

Oh, yeah, it exists! When I used to commute to classes at the local university, I rode against a "landbreeze" every morning, and against a "lakebreeze" every evening.

crucifixion12

I can testify to the bi-directional opposing headwind! On my last ride, I was thinking about this, unaware that it actually has a name. I was thinking "it doesn't matter which way I freakin go, I'm always always always fighting a headwind!"

Chi

BDOH is not a supernatural phenomenon, any person who's taken a meteorology class will tell you that. What you are experiencing is called onshore/offshore winds that are influenced by land friction. Due to the uneven heating of the surface of the earth, winds will flow one direction one time of day, and the opposite direction later in the day. The friction caused by land features such as buildings, etc, will change the direction of the wind to go "against" you, giving you the impression that there's a headwind coming from both directions.

uciflylow

I have one of those dual ramped hills in my town. It has a long shallow slope to the south west and you will always fight harder into the prevaling wind coming down, than making the climb out!