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trsidn 07-13-15 11:19 AM

A man orders a double shot of whiskey, and bartender says to the man, "tough nite huh?" the man said , "yep u can say that , I caught my wife having sex with my best friend!".....
"wow", said the bartender "thats horrible! what did u do?" .. before he answered he slammed that 2nd double and said "I made her pack her **** and get the hell out!" ......
bartender look surprised , "that had to be rough, here have another double, its on the house, so what did u do about ur best friend?"
and without missing a beat, the man replied, "Well i swatted his butt and told him he was a very very bad dog!"

Nikon Fan 08-10-15 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahsposo (Post 16849952)
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.



Awesome! :)

trsidn 08-21-15 01:34 PM

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daught...er-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Davidgpc 08-30-15 08:05 AM

THE OSTRICH !
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
A salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
Places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
In your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a Big Rear End and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

rmfnla 03-02-16 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Montag311 (Post 17800001)
A golf/marriage joke:

A man and his wife are playing a round of golf. On one hole, the man tees off and slices his drive to the right and into the trees. At first he can't locate his ball but then he sees a storage shed with the door partially open. Sure enough, he finds his ball inside, on the dirt floor in the middle of the shed. Soon his wife comes by and says, "How are you going to play that?" The man replies, "I'm just going to drop the ball outside here, and take a penalty stroke." Then his wife has an idea. She says, "It looks to me like if I stand here and hold the door open, you have a straight shot back to the fairway and you could avoid a penalty stroke." He decides to try it. She peeks around the edge of the door as she holds it open, he swings at the ball and makes solid contact. Unfortunately, the ball strikes his wife right between the eyes and kills her on the spot.

Five years later, the man is playing golf with his new wife. Same golf course, same hole. Again, he slices his drive to the right and into the trees. Again, he can't locate his ball but soon finds it inside the very same storage shed. His new wife arrives and asks, "How are you going to play that?" The man replies, "I'm just going to drop the ball outside here, and take a penalty stroke." "Wait a minute", says the new wife. "It looks to me like if I stand here and hold the door open, you have a straight shot back to the fairway and you could avoid a penalty stroke." The man looks down and sadly shakes his head. "No", he says, "There's no way I could do that. No way. The last time I tried that...I took a triple bogey on this hole!"

A golfer's wife has nagged him for years to teach her to play. Finally one Sunday none of his regular group can make it so he agrees to take her instead.

At the first hole he tells her, "Just go down to those red tees and watch what I do, then you do the same thing."

She goes to the women's tees to watch but he slices his drive which hits her in the head, killing her.

The coroner is inspecting the body and says, "It's the damnest thing I've ever seen; there's a perfect mark on her temple that says Titleist 3."

The guy says, "Yeah, that was my tee shot."

The coroner then says, "But what I don't understand is there's another mark on her hip that says Titleist 1."

To which the guy says, "Oh, that was my mulligan..."

rmfnla 03-02-16 04:34 PM

So a man and woman get married.

It's their wedding night and they've been saving themselves so they are undressing in front of each other for the first time.

The guy pulls off his shoes and socks and has the gnarliest feet his wife has ever seen, so she asks about them and he tells her, "Oh, I had some health issues when I was a kid and that was from my tolio."

"Tolio?" she asks? "I've never heard of that."

"Yes, it's like polio but it only affects the feet," he responds.

Then he drops trou and he sees her noticing his mangled knees, so he tells her, "That was from when I had kneesles."

"Kneesles?" she asks? "I've never heard of that, either."

"Yes, it's like measles but it only affects the knees," he responds.

So they continue undressing and when he drops his boxer shorts she looks at him and says, "Don't tell me; small cox..."

eugened 01-20-17 04:43 AM

Keep on reading while popcorn is hot! Lol


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