Car light and losing friends
 

The is really more of a rant than a question, but feel free to share your experiences.

I have been making a real, if gradual effort to use my car less and less over the past couple years. I commute by bike a couple time a week (working on more but a 35 mile round trip every day is too much as of yet). Last November I built up an Xtracycle for obvious (to this crowd, at least) reasons and I love it. Generally, I'm trying not to be preachy but instead to be ever less dependent on the car and maybe to be a good example for others.

Lately I'm finding that some of my good friends just don't get it. They won't accept my explanations of why this is important to me. To them it's not about money, pollution, traffic, or whatever, it's all an excuse to snub them. The little whiny details really don't matter for purposes of this post.

How many of you have gone through similar experiences with friends and family?

I never have, but I don't try to explain my lifestyle unless they ask, and seem genuinely interested. It really isn't up to my friends to approve or disapprove of my decisions.

My experience is like Roody's pretty much. Maybe you're more "preachy" than you think or you need new friends anyway?

As I said, I'm really just ranting more than asking for advice. For the most part I really do keep my philosophies to myself and just do my own thing. I don't push my ideals on others and avoid preaching or arguing even when my opinion is asked for. Who knows, maybe I'm not trying heard enough to explain my motives.

People change and friendships come and go. I have a fair amount of friends and very few have anything negative to say about my bikes or my ideals. Sometimes it's just a bummer when someone you have spent a lot of time with over the years, takes offense when you don't want to do things that revolve around the car.

Alas, the weather is way too nice to sit on the Internet and complain.

Your situation sounds like a normal change as a result of your new life style. I remember I used to get harassed by my friend who would try to pick me up from work all the time. "Dude I don't won't to put my bike in the car, I'm riding home....." anyway, I hear you. Riding has a zen effect on me, so it's easy to laugh off any criticism's and flying projectiles. Enjoy the ride!!!!!

I've gone through it with weight loss, but not with being car-lighter yet.

I guess I'm lucky. Most of my friends (85%)---and they are of all ages from 25-65---are all car-free. They almost all have regular jobs and possess varying degrees of education. Only one friend lost his license due to DUI. We just know that if you live in downtown Toronto, you don't need a car. It's more of a hassle and unnecessary expense than a convenience or neccesity.

Being car free has made me a number of friends even. Cyclists can talk with one another a whole lot easier than motorists can talk with one another---and when they speak to each other, it's rarely friendly.

Just ensure you're not being too preachy. It's not likely that conversations unfold like, "So, Fred, how are you getting to work these days? Bus, train, bicycle, or car?" in backyard barbecue scenarios.

If they were your friends they would accept you. My friends just think I'm a little kooky. They're right, but they are still my friends.

I've noticed that my circle of friends changes whenever there is a lifestyle change: get married, lose your single friends; have kids, there go the DINKs; lose weight, change careers, move, sell your car... Your true friends will stick by you no matter what.

In some ways the details do matter: exactly what is it about your car-free life that bothers those friends? I can think of at least three possible dynamics that could be at work, and I would handle each one differently.

Case #1: They perceive you as preaching at them, even if you're certain that you're not.

If I get this vibe from someone, I do my best to back off and respect their limits. Even if I never say the word "bike", my friends and family still see me pull up on one every time I arrive somewhere, and I hope they see that I'm a lot happier as I step off my bike than they were as they hunted for a parking space. If they actually ask why I don't own a car, then I can talk their ears off. Depending on their interests, I might give 'em my best tree-hugger spiel, or talk simple financial horse sense, or dispel their mistaken beliefs about slowness and danger, or just tell them how much fun I have...until the first sign that their eyes are glazing over, at which point we talk about something else.


Case #2: They feel like you're never available to do stuff with them. Maybe you actually turn down their invitations because their plans aren't practical without a car...or maybe they just assume that you can't travel more than a few miles, and don't invite you in the first place.

In this case, take the initiative. Find things that you both like to do, at times and places where you'll have no trouble getting there by bike (and they'll have no trouble by car), and invite them. It's kind of fun to watch a friend's brain rearrange itself when you ask them to meet you at a Saturday music fesitival in a town fifty miles away...and, of course, you show up on a bike. It lets them know that you value their company enough to ride a "mind-blowing" distance to hang out with them, and it reminds them to include you in future plans even you'd have to ride a few miles to get there.

And if something important is happening at a time and place that I can't reach without driving...I rent a car and I drive. I figure the extra carbon I burn that day will be cancelled out many times over, if it helps someone else realize that giving up their car is not some momentous, irrevocable step. On that rare occasion when a car would make life better, it's not hard to get hold of one.


Case #3: They think less of you because you make "weird" choices.

My solution to this one is simple: to hell with 'em. If they look down on me for riding a bike, then they probably look down on other "freaks" as well. I don't want bigots as friends.

Like Maddyfish, my friends think I'm sort of eccentric and may even laugh at me at times, especially if it's been raining a lot, but I haven't noticed that anyone's blown me off because of my carlessness. (Usually, it has more to do with my social skills :p ) Some people even claim to admire my decision to go without a car, but no one's followed my example yet. I do go out of my way to not get self-righteous about it, though. Occasionally, I even accept rides from people, which I generally try to avoid, when my cycling to a given location would inconvenience others.

I have no friends since I moved, so I come here and get beat up.
I do wish folks who drive one lousy mile to work would at least look into a bike.
That old one ton GMC ...................................I say too much.

Perhaps, but I would imagine a lot of conversations start off with the price of fuel being a hot topic :p .

East Hill

Strange how peoople call you weird for riding your bike. But people who religiously study baseball, NASCAR or whatever are the normal ones.

When that’s their form of transportation why would you not expect their life not to revolve around a car? When I went car free at first, I notice a couple less people in my life, other car less people (who wish they had a car) who I picked up and gave rides, maybe help them run a couple of errands. Who kind of disappeared or became unavailable when I was no longer able to give them a free ride, don’t miss those people in my life, and really helped show the dynamic of those friendships. My friends who do have cars and still hang out with do think I am odd about being car-free, but most of them haven’t met anyone who has made that type of transportation change by choice.

My biggest problem with family and even the wife is riding at night. People just don't think it is possible/safe so they tend not to invite you to things because you'd have to ride at night.

Don't have any friends besides work chums but they are work only chums. They still wonder how I can ride my bike at night and not run into a tree. I try to explain to them the same way they drive a car and don't run into a tree but it doesn't seem to get through.:rolleyes:

Most of them also view it as something someone does when they have no other option at all and they don't want to remind you of your misfortune. Heck sometimes I think the reason my in-laws left their car at my house so long wasn't so they'd have it down here when they flew down to visit again. It was so I could drive it if I needed it. They made the offer constantly though I never took them up on it.

I've never had a problem with my friend's and my commuting to work, or daily rides. Then again, we went to the drag strip on Friday night :D

Although, I do have to admit.. the conversation turned at one point to how fast I could do the 1/4 mile on my bike :D

In Southern California, the car reigns supreme and the world revolves around it. Most people here worship the thing (even if they can't afford one at present) and will jump at the chance to have one. I see more bikes being used-by people who can't afford a car mostly. Another thing I noticed here is people use other people like a disposible commondity. That is why the drivers have only one person-themselves-in a huge gas hog SUV or truck. It is the me first ego at the highest level. And our crime rate, plus large fences in the front yard are increasing.

I've never really had that problem, more often, it's that they try to help me too much by offering rides ect. when not needed. I never tell them why it is important to me. I never think to.

Your friends are obivously scared but jealous or they wouldn't find themselves snubbed. But perhaps they take the very reasons that you state as negating what they do. As far as preachy, I never bring up the subject of my bicycling. I answer questions if asked, but to me it's just a non issue.

But I have always been this way, and for many years car free, and sometimes not. I make my strong statements by cycling. I learned in my youth that most people didn't care to follow my path, but that didn't invalidate my taking it.

"Lately I'm finding that some of my good friends just don't get it. They won't accept my explanations of why this is important to me. To them it's not about money, pollution, traffic, or whatever, it's all an excuse to snub them."

If you're snubbing them that one thing. If they are snubbing you then.......

Remember, Your friends know your faults and like you IN SPITE of them.
The people you're friends with now may only be Sunshine Friends not worth
keeping.

If you're being all preachy then.......quit it!!

Yes, and the people that follow those sports (is NASCAR a sport?) are usually the ones that would be the most unlikely to every play them, but like the armchair generals they usually are they'll heap no end of criticism on those who don't fit their 'world view'.

Love to see a 200lb chair bound cager go up & down the basketball court a few times or survive two laps in a real automobile race...they'd be eaten alive.

All my neighbours think my bike riding is great since I moved about two years ago. My wife doesn't really get it but I think she's really just envious 'cause without a car she's screwed. My friends from my heavy car driving days thought I was 'silly' and I was just going through a phase, one of them went bankrupt a while back and was forced to give up driving for transit, when I suggested he try biking he just shook his head and said he 'couldn't'...never found out why.. Oh well screw 'em..

I've got friends, freedom and way too much stuff to do..

Good question...good thread..

I've had this question thrown at me, my reply was that I would be faster than any car provided that it was a fair race, i.e. human power only.

My friends have never had a problem with my lifestyle choices, in fact its a great source of amusement as we rib each other mercilessly about anything, but that's just the Aussie sense of humor. If anyone does get all uppity he's usually labelled a '******'(1) and just ignored untill he 'pulls his head in'(2).



(1)****** = someone behaving like an idiot.
(2)To pull your head in = to stop your idiotic behaviour

[edit] Wow, I didn't realise that word was considered offensive!... what bloody ****** decided it was offensive? :D

Well just have car free or car lite friends. :-)
they work just as well as car friends.