jcwitte

I just learned a few days ago that one goal of my girlfriend (been together just over 4 months) is to someday own a Bentley. Whenever we are out and about, if a Rolls Royce goes by or a Bentley or some other status/luxury car goes by she oohs and ahhs and points it out as if it is the very symbol of truth, enlightenment, and happiness. I tell her I'd rather own my 1974 shwinn le tour fixie then a Bentley or a rolls and she gets upset.

We actually had a talk the other night, at her urging, about whether our values are compatible enough for "us" to work. I figured she was going to bring up some political or religious disagreement we might have had, but she brought up the fact that I see Bentley's and other luxury cars simply as status symbols for people who are unhappy and that I would never be caught behind the wheel of one.

She has said that she supports Barack Obama and one thing she really likes about him is his desire to find alternative energy sources. I point out that these luxury cars get horrible gas mileage and she said that even though she believes in alternative fuel and being resourceful, she'd be willing to "compromise" those values for that lifestyle.

Does anyone else here have a significant other who differs that much with your priorities? On one hand, I feel like that is a huge difference and that I use to hate the sort of hypocrisy that she is displaying. On the other hand, I tell myself it is just a minor difference about a material possession and our relationship is more than that.

dcrowell

I did, but not anymore. I'm now divorced. Take that for what it is worth.

My ex and I both grew up poor. We started as a young family with my meager income. I a started a real career, and made more money, she insisted on having all of the material things. I wanted to simplify.

That wasn't the only issue, and I wasn't perfect... I've spent how much on bikes now?

Whether to live simply, or with lots of toys is not a minor difference. Then again, it is possible to go too far in either direction.

danadear

Run.

Icycle

In America, there is a very strong association in people's minds between riding a bike and being poor, unsuccessful, or powerless: children, college students, immigrants, and the destitute ride bikes. And we have a correspondingly strong attitude that driving a car is a direct symbol of success, and the more expensive the car you drive, the more successful you are.

Perhaps your girlfriend has fully internalized this attitude, and for her, being financially successful is synonymous with driving a nice car. Perhaps we you say you'd rather have a bike than a Bentley, she understands that to mean you have no ambition and are content to remain poor.

It's possible that you and your girlfriend may have some irreconcilable differences in terms of some very core values around wealth acquisition, simple vs. ostentatious living, environmental stewardship, and so on. It might be worth having a serious talk with her about each others feelings on these matters.

jcwitte

Yes, I think we probably should have a talk about this again soon. I don't know that I value the sort of lifestyle that she is seeking.

gerald_g 

Yup, but in my case, most bikes are worth far more than my truck, so I am not under such a delusion. On the other hand, driving a rust bucket crap-mobile is a great theft deterrent.

oldride

+1 Run like the wind!

Seriously this could be a major issue in your relationship. Keep in mind the number one issue in marriage is financial disagreements and is the number one cause of divorce in the US. I would guess that you are both young and some of both of your values may change somewhat over time but this should be a real red flag. Talk honestly and openly. Good luck.

zeppinger

dont kick her out of the house just yet. To me it seems as though it could be a problem of misinterpretation. As other posters have pointed out, cars mean something different to different people. Most people lean towards your GF's attitude that they indicators of "success" or "happiness" or "the good life." That means that your GF really just wants those things and wishes that you want them too. I dont think that these are bad things to want your BF to be that is, successful, happy, and the good life. However, her way of acquiring those goals or the objects, symbols, indicators, and sings that she looks for and associates with them are not lined up. It could be that the two of you actually share the same "core" values but differ only trivially about the path to obtain them. The fact that she is willing to "compromise" her "Values" or that she supports sustainable living as long as she can own a particular vehicle means that the link between the Bentley and sustainable living has not been made clear to her. If you like the girl, giver her a bit of time and explain yourself when you say things like "I would rather own a beat up old bike than 100k car." To a lot of people thats crazy talk! Let her understand where you are coming from and maybe she will see that you really have a lot of the same values! If you dont see any progress in a while then on her. Ask some of the older guys around here about how long it took them to get their women on a bike. The degree to which a spouse warms up to the idea varies fantastically from one relationship to the next!

127.0.0.1

she will always pine for the bling

get used to it. some rich dude is gonna take her away.

Icycle

For what it is worth, my wife and I have been together for about nine years, and it was only a bit more than a year ago that I got her to start riding bikes with me. However, my wife was raised to believe that the way to become rich and successful is to live frugally. From her upbringing, driving a ten year old car is a much better way to save your money for more important things than driving a brand new $100k car.

Her environmental attitudes did not start out nearly as extreme as mine, but over the years she has gradually come closer to me in this regard. She still sees driving a car as the most pragmatic option most of the time, but at least now she is willing to concede that biking can be a better option under the right conditions.

Bike-a-Boo

That's a bummer. Only the two of you can decide whether you can reconcile your goals and values.

I can tell you, though, that it wasn't too long ago that I was of the opinion that my husband and I had diametrically opposing values (in some specific areas) and he was of the opinion that I had changed. We still work on this, but nowadays, I think we would both agree that we've both made compromises and/or agreed to disagree.

Doug5150

If she wants a NEW one, that's going to be expensive.
If she would settle for a used one, that's entirely possible even on a fairly-low budget. The prices for even used late-year models are high, but over the next couple years a LOT of luxury cars are going to default in the "housing boom states", driving down resale prices quite a bit.

At the moment Automart.com for example is showing a 1987 Bentley Brooklands with 106K miles for $19,990. About ten years ago I knew a guy at a local car wholesaler and they would often get different ~30-yr old Rolls-Royce cars through (many that still looked quite nice) for only around $10K. The more-desireable Bentley models were the turbos, but those seem to hit at least 2X that amount. Be leery of any with paint damage as the pain jobs were rather thick and touch-up paint looks horrible on them.

-----

Dunno if you should dump the girl or not.

It could be that a hoighty-toighty car is the one stupid thing she wants in life, and if that's so and you otherwise get along great, it's not that big of a concession to make.

If it's indicative of a lifestyle she'd prefer to live, then the success or failure of the relationship is more likely to revolve around how much money the two of you make (or don't make) than the fact that you like riding bicycles.
~

Ka_Jun

Sounds like a dealbreaker, man. If you can't reconcile yourself with her conspicuous consumption, what are you gonna do? Doesn't sound like it's a priority for you.

I-Like-To-Bike

Move to the sticks and she'll never get tempted by the sight of a RR, Bentley, BMW or MB again.

Big Lincolns and Buicks and big 4WD pickups spell "status" here.

Doohickie

No kiddin'. I've been on two business trips this summer to Orlando. Both times I had the same traveling partner. Every time we saw someone riding a bicycle (pretty fequent in Orlando), my traveling companion would comment about how poor the guy must be, or that he must have had a DWI, or (if it's a nicer bike) that he probably stole the bicycle.

Doohickie

As far as the car thing goes, though....

When I was young, I wanted a Lincoln Continental. I wanted a restaurant. I wanted 4 kids.

I got a Hyundai. I got an office job. I got 2 kids.

Yeah, there's stuff going on in my life I'm not happy about, but none of that has to do with the things I thought I wanted when I was a young adult. I'm basically a happy guy. If owning a Bentley is your your girl's dream, let her dream. If what she considers it something that's due her, RUN.

Roody

How will you bring up the subject, and how will you focus the conversation?

Are you clear in your own mind about your own values? (Something tells me that you aren't all together clear on what you want out of life.)

toThinkistoBe

I once had a girlfriend kind of like that. She was very interested in the same things as I, but still yearned for the rich, overconsuming, wasteful lifestyle with crazy status symbols, etc etc. It was kinda one of those things where you don't back up what you say with actions. The lady I've been seeing lately is completely the opposite. I almost feel like a poser next to her. Its great.

If you feel like this is a relationship worth keeping, maybe you guys could make some sort of compromise?

cyclokitty 

I have friends like your gf, and I admit I keep them at an arm's length away. I like shiny stuff too, but I wouldn't want them to define me.

I had a friend through grade school and university who actually got upset when anyone commented negatively about a white car. Her dad had a white IROC and she thought it was the best thing in the world and would go deep red if someone said "jeez, who'd want a white car? They always look filthy." Then I'd step away a few feet cause I didn't want to get involved. She hasn't matured much in the interim years. She has an entire photo album with her sitting in her mustang, or in her brother's escalade. It makes me laugh because she looks like such a dolt mugging for the camera while sitting in her car in the driveway -- and please, don't ask me about her vanity plate. It's embarassing even to read.

I'd run very far away.

jcwitte

Really? I didn't realize I was giving off that impression.

donrhummy

I used to want a Ferrari more than anything. Now, if I had tons of money to blow I'd get one of these instead:



Just because she wants one now doesn't mean she can't change her opinion/perspective later.

Smallwheels

If a woman wants an expensive car you just know she wants other expensive things even if she isn't admitting it now. What goes with an expensive car? An expensive house with expensive furniture.

I'm really not against those things at all. They look great and they help to create jobs. If people who have the money for such things want them that is fine with me.

Jcwitte if your girlfriend has the potential to earn the money for the things she wants you might be able to stick with her if you like her enough. She can become your sugar momma. If she hasn't got the potential to get the things she wants on her own then in the long run she'll be asking you for those things. It's really that simple.

It is so much easier to just let her be herself if she has the money to get the things she wants. She'll just get them and that will be the end of it. If she isn't wealthy enough to get what she wants she will always be whining about what she wants and how unhappy she is because she can't have those things. At the same time she will be looking at you wondering if you will ever get the hint that she wants you to help her get those things.

When I was younger and not as wise I had girlfriends that were that way. I just kept dating them for a long time because it was better to have a girlfriend that was a nag than not to have one. Each and every time the nagging eventually outweighed the desire to keep them as a girlfriend.

Since I don't know either of you I can't give more than this blunt comment. You can figure out what you need to do. Since she already started the questioning of your relationship (kudos to her) I think she has already figured out what she wants to do. It will just take her a while to really implement her decision.

You can bet that she'll switch to the first suitable guy that comes along who also likes (or already drives) really expensive cars.

jcwitte

All of this kind of sounds like what has been going through my mind.

We are both in our thirties and we both have decent incomes and we both live in nice areas of the city. I am satisfied with my social class, but I get the idea that she is not satisfied with hers. She wants to get to that top level of society where you drive Bentleys and get frequent invites to black tie dinners. She wants a big house with nice things in every room.

She doesn't expect me to be her sugar daddy or anything like that. I think she just wants to make sure that I am not going to hold her back from getting those things or living and enjoying that lifestyle once she gets there. It's not everyday you meet a guy who chooses to ride a 1974 schwinn le tour and who chooses to live simply. I think she just wants to know to what extent my lifestyle is embedded in who I am.

I am driven to help her achieve her goals, but I am not going to "compromise" any of my values to do so. The whole "compromising of values" thing is what has got me questioning the relationship. It is kind of a turn off. I think discussing it with her a little more will help us sort it out.

gascostalot

Better to get a real car such as:

EatMyA**

+2

Tell her to eat your ass! HTFU! and get on bike. If she doesn't comply tell her you're going out for cigarettes and never return. By the time she figures out you dont smoke you'll be long gone.