Roller thread # 659,456
 

A couple of days ago I picked up a used set of rollers (the PVC variety) for $42. Last night I began learning to ride on them. I set them up in the basement, with a wall on my left and the back side of a couch on the right.

Within the first few agonizing seconds on that contraption, I was immediately thrust into a dark, swirling vortex of existential angst and despair. There was a disruption in The Force, and those three diabolical drums were the cause. It occurred to me that this was probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. The wife came to see the spectacle, motivated primarily by the same morbid curiosity that drives one to stare at auto accidents, train wrecks, and watch American Idol. The expression on her face could best be characterized as a tortured combination of shock, horror, and bewilderment.

Incredibly, however, within 20 minutes, something unexplainable yet undeniably real took place somewhere within the exhausted convolutions of my cerebellum, pons, and medulla. With laser-like concentration, in concert with some profuse perspiration, I could ride, without using anything for balance, for as long as I wanted. The fear and chaos that had defined my universe only 1,200 seconds ago had evaporated, and a subtle, guarded confidence had filled the void. My goal was to ride one continuous mile. That mission was accomplished. Like a trained circus monkey, I would be able to entertain my guests at the cocktail party I was hosting Saturday. I went back upstairs, made a stiff gin & tonic (like my mother used to make for me on those frequent occasions when I came home crying from middle school) and caught up on the news by watching that handsome Anderson Cooper.

Tonight I begin phase two, which involves learning to ride one handed while drinking my gin & tonic with the other.

Eyestrain

Very funny - good analysis of what it can be for some people. I found it hard and challenging at first but settled in after awhile. Even now, it's takes concentration.

Enjoy the G & T's.

55/Rad

lol...wait till you zone out and then hit the floor...

Great story, but like Hans Solo said, "Riding rollers through
hyperspace ain't like dusting crops boy" .

Please practice with a highball glass full of water until after your first crash. I would hate for good gin, or any gin really, to go to waste.

I may be unusual but I didn't find it that hard to get used to my rollers. It took maybe 5 minutes before I was comfortable letting go and riding on my own. Now I can get a drink from my water bottle, towel off or ride standing up for a minute or more. I generally ride watching TV and have only rolled off the side once or twice.

If you keep your upper body relaxed and don't stare at the front wheel but act like you are looking down the road it isn't that hard. It could have been the years I spent as a kid riding no handed and folding newspapers to throw at peoples front steps have helped me out.

we need more of this. good luck with you gin and tonic goal. f-ing hilariours. well done sir!

that was hilarious!!!

one note of caution.. be careful while watching racing coverage, especially on the curvy decents. It was like I got sucked into the TV and steered right off my rollers as I tried to make my way around one of those switch backs... and I've been riding rollers for years. I still have to put my head down and not watch when a turn comes up or I instinctively try to go around it and ride right off my rollers...

I never thought of that. Thanks. Now I'm prepared with an immediate response when wife asks why I'm watching the Spice Channel.

I suggest once you can successfully hold a water bottle that
you drink your G&T with a straw before advanc (hic) ing to
a highball glass. The effect can be profound.
So here's the question. Boodles or plymouth?

A man doesn't need excuses to watch the Spice Channel.

Both of those are too expensive.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who's been caught like that - mine was with the "Bike-O-Vision" European sampler - in one of the scenes, the camera car swerves to pass some parked cars, and I tried doing the same on the rollers - I managed to stay upright (just), but got some interesting looks from my cats…

- Wil

You sir are an excellent writer. Thanks for the cool story. I only wish I could write my dissertation with such eloquence.