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How can I improve my BF stories about racing Freds on Cervelos?

Road Cycling “It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them. Thus you remember them as they actually are, while in a motor car only a high hill impresses you, and you have no such accurate remembrance of country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle.” -- Ernest Hemingway

How can I improve my BF stories about racing Freds on Cervelos?

Old 08-11-09, 07:32 AM
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Dion Rides
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How can I improve my BF stories about racing Freds on Cervelos?

I don't have very good "racing" stories to post on BF. I was thinking about something along the lines of me being a professional stone skipper and riding bikes to get to my professional stone skipping hangout and passing guys from the Tour. Afterwards I have sex with 6' blonde super models who also stone skip.

Or maybe me riding a Razor Scooter, and a Fred tries to pass and we bring it up to a good 43MPH average speed, and then he gets dropped all while he's decked out in a team kit and me in my pajamas from Target.

Help me. Share your incredible racing stories.
 
Old 08-11-09, 07:45 AM
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One day I zoomed passed a car.

It was parked.
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Old 08-11-09, 07:52 AM
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Can I have some of whatever it is that you have been inhaling?
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Old 08-11-09, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by VeganForPeace View Post
One day I zoomed passed a car.

It was parked.
I actually do not know any Vegans for War or Vegans for Animal Cruelty. I was meaning to tell that a few days ago. How's that new bike going?


I am mostly vegan as well (31 years vegetarian)

Back to OT


How about the BMX'er with the low pants and the butt crack
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Old 08-11-09, 08:00 AM
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Be sure to include a self righteous, expletive riddled rant about toe overlap
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Originally Posted by colorider View Post
Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 08-11-09, 08:09 AM
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One day I was dialing it up to 400W while doing the loop in Central Park here in NY when one of those snot nose racer wannabe speed skaters starts keeping pace with me while I was recovering from one of my guad busting sprints. Not one to back down from a challenge I decided to take this inferior wheeled athlete up on his challenge. I dialed it up slowly to taunt him a bit and started mixing my Heed with water as he was trying to keep pace. Out of nowhere he found some massive energy surge and actually started passing me THE NERVE! I started pedaling in earnest and dropped him like a bad habit, but that wasn't enough oh no. As he gave it a second go at catching up by getting in his "aero" racing position I let him catch up to me yet again, but this time I unclipped my right foot and my Sidi Ergo 2 Ultra Light High Modulus Carbon shoe met his shoulder. He crashed into a bin so I stopped to make sure he was relatively ok, once I saw he was I poured the remainder of my Heed over his head and said "Sorry, it was time to take out the trash". Feeling pumped about sorting out that muppet, I dropped a few tourists on their cruisers for good measure then rode to Gray Papaya's for some yummy onion hot dogs and a Banana Daquiri.
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Old 08-11-09, 08:11 AM
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OP, is this you?
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Old 08-11-09, 08:11 AM
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No Cervelo for you.
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Old 08-11-09, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by scotch View Post
OP, is this you?
or this.........?


NSFW or KIDS tag, just to be safe, even though if it was me, I would watch this in front of nuns carrying puppies.
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Originally Posted by colorider View Post
Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 08-11-09, 08:32 AM
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I was riding my trainer in the living room when my fiance tried to walk past me to go laundry room. Not wanting to be beat by a pedestrian i climbed out of the saddle and began to pick up my pace significantly. She stopped and stared, shocked that I would attempt to race her like that. While she stood in disbelief i pulled a bottle for my cage and blasted her with it. The shock knocked her back two steps onto the couch. I settled back into the saddle, victorious, and continued to go nowhere at a more even pace.
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Old 08-11-09, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by logdrum View Post
I actually do not know any Vegans for War or Vegans for Animal Cruelty. I was meaning to tell that a few days ago. How's that new bike going?


I am mostly vegan as well (31 years vegetarian)

Back to OT


How about the BMX'er with the low pants and the butt crack
I'll put it this way:

I put 147 miles on my Schwinn MTB in July

I've put 100 miles on the Raleigh Road Bike in August so far.



I love it. It's just a much better ride and much more comfortable for going longer distance.
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Old 08-11-09, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by bkwentz View Post
I was riding my trainer in the living room when my fiance tried to walk past me to go laundry room. Not wanting to be beat by a pedestrian i climbed out of the saddle and began to pick up my pace significantly. She stopped and stared, shocked that I would attempt to race her like that. While she stood in disbelief i pulled a bottle for my cage and blasted her with it. The shock knocked her back two steps onto the couch. I settled back into the saddle, victorious, and continued to go nowhere at a more even pace.
^ THIS IS PURE GENIUS!!!!11111
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Originally Posted by colorider View Post
Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 08-11-09, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
^ this is pure genius!!!!11111
+1
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Old 08-11-09, 09:45 AM
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Ow.
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Old 08-11-09, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
^ THIS IS PURE GENIUS!!!!11111
+2, nearly blew my beef broccoli out my nose..
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Old 08-11-09, 10:29 AM
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Roses are red violets are blue I'm tired of these stupid threads how bout you!
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Old 08-11-09, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by under18cyclists View Post
Roses are red violets are blue I'm tired of these stupid threads how bout you!
Daisies are yellow, carnations are white, go grow a pair and HARDEN THE **** UP!!!



Note: Chopper Reid is my hero.
 
Old 08-11-09, 11:10 AM
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Needed a good laugh

Needed a good laugh and this thread sure did it. Good stories.
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Old 08-11-09, 11:27 AM
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In all seriousness, I jsut saw a guy on a Cervelo with a red and white polka dot jersey ride by my house. FTW.
 
Old 08-11-09, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Dion Rides View Post
Daisies are yellow, carnations are white, go grow a pair and HARDEN THE **** UP!!!
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Old 08-11-09, 12:01 PM
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So I got up for my usual morning ride and decided to ride to Chester (NY) and back and after doing some hill repeats on Mt Doom (which is really just a little bump in the road) decided to head back to Canada for some lunch.

The lady and the dog who lived at the top of Mt Doom were nice and asked if I had seen her husband as she said he was prone to wandering off and getting lost on his bike.

I said I had not seen him.

She said that was okay as he usually would call her on his cel for a pickup.

In the distance I see this old guy on a Cervelo going for broke (in flip flops no less) and because I had it dialed up to 40,000 watts (cause Canada is a long ride from NY) caught him easily and blew by him so fast his bike exploded into a million fragments due to the shock wave.

When I looked over my shoulder I could see he was dialing his cel.
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Old 08-11-09, 12:13 PM
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Good story 65'er.

I decided to go for a quick lunch spin to the plains of Africa. As we all know, there are a lot of poor people there who can't afford Cervelos.

I rode from San Jose, Ca. to Africa (my normal loop) and decided to take it up a bit. Well, by time I hit 400MPH average speed (I'm a natural athlete), I started to sweat a little, and a a drop landed in the desert.

Since my sweat is magical, great fields of food suddently grew and ended starvation in that region. A new species of plant also grew which ended up being the key ingredient to the cure of AIDS, cancer and athlete's foot.
 
Old 08-11-09, 12:16 PM
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It's threads like this that make me tempted by an S1.
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Old 08-11-09, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Sixty Fiver View Post
So I got up for my usual morning ride and decided to ride to Chester (NY) and back and after doing some hill repeats on Mt Doom (which is really just a little bump in the road) decided to head back to Canada for some lunch.

The lady and the dog who lived at the top of Mt Doom were nice and asked if I had seen her husband as she said he was prone to wandering off and getting lost on his bike.

I said I had not seen him.

She said that was okay as he usually would call her on his cel for a pickup.

In the distance I see this old guy on a Cervelo going for broke (in flip flops no less) and because I had it dialed up to 40,000 watts (cause Canada is a long ride from NY) caught him easily and blew by him so fast his bike exploded into a million fragments due to the shock wave.

When I looked over my shoulder I could see he was dialing his cel.
+1

It's a hot morning and I'm getting a late start, so I decide to take a quick spin before lunch downstate to ride through some of the delightful communities around NYC. I'm pulling into a depressing little berg called Chester, when I see some CANUCK in a Volvo blow past an old dude on a Cervelo scraper bike. The shockwave from the speeding Canadian (I'd say he was doing about 80--that's mph not kmph, you hosers) blew the plastic Cervelo into about a million pieces, and the old dude, poor soul, loaded his Depends, and lost his dentures and hearing aide in all the commotion. Other than that, he seemed OK. Shaken up, but OK. He said he would call his wife, who was home nearby in the Valley of Doom, for a lift home. "She and old Blue know the drill all too well," he assured me, coughing and wheezing from the effort.

I thought the CANUCK was out of line abusing one of my fellow countrymen, so I droped the hamer, dialed it up to about 500,000 watts. My massive guads propelled me forward and in no time, I was hot on the CANUCK's trail, drafting him for all I was worth. He had the window open and I could hear him muttering, "Droped the hamer on that old boy, eh?" Then he'd laugh maniacally. "Droped it, eh?" "Wait'll I tell the fellows on BF about this one, eh?" We rode up Route 87 all the way to the border, where the Mountie in the booth decided to check my rig for contraband. He took one look at my Campy 11-speed drivetrain and said, "You can't bring that junk into Canada without paying $500 (USD, not Loonies, you hosers), eh?" in various fees and duties.

I told him to bugger off in no uncertain terms, and headed back home, taking the scenic route through the Adirondack Park, getting home for lunch with time to spare. I did have to shake off all the State Troopers in hot pursuit, presumably due to the complaints caused by my sonic boom.

Last edited by Daytrip; 08-11-09 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 08-11-09, 01:00 PM
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Old man's practices cycling-zen voodo and his butt crack juice will turn the Cervelo's fragments into newer Cervelos. Every ache he fills on his knee begets a new Dura-Achy gruppo
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