The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
10-01-11, 05:59 PM
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The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
When the Euro and regular rules just don't apply to you anymore.
BIKES AND PARTS
- Shimano ANYTHING
- Bontrager ANYTHING
- Trek ANYTHING
- Campagnolo
(Super Record, Record, and Veloce gruppos) (see rule 23)
- SRAM cables and housing only (see rule 23)
- Ritchey
- Specialized Cages (carbon variant)
- Arundel Cages
- King Ti Cages
- Felt Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Serotta Bicycles
- Litespeed Bicycles
- Lynskey Bicycles
- Parlee Bicycles
- Crumpton Bicycles
- Independent Fabrication Bicycles
- Sampson Bicycles
- Seven Bicycles
- CrankBrothers pedals
- Zipp Wheels (preferably Clydesdale Clinchers)
- HED Wheels
- Spinergy Wheels
- Maxxis Tires
- Kenda Tires
- Michelin Tires (only if there is no color coordination)
- Specialized Saddles
- Terry Saddles
- Gel Saddle Covers
- Anything in the bargain bin from “last season”
---------------------Endorsed Apparel---------------------
- Giro Helmets
- Bell Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets
- Oakley eyewear
- Maui Jim eyewear
- Anything “Tennis Ball” Yellow
- Primal Clothing (preferably with a Rock band’s insignia)
- Pearl Izumi Clothing
- Assos Clothing
- Hincapie Clothing
- Gore Clothing
- Capoforma Clothing
- SIDI Footwear
- Specialized Footwear
- Nike Footwear
- D2 footwear
- Rocket 7 footwear
-----------Endorsed Nutritional Products--------------
- Oatmeal with SEVERAL prunes
- Wendy’s*
- McDonald’s*
- Chipotle
- Dunkin Donuts*
- 7 Eleven*
*Also, works for mid-ride fuel
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Viagra
- Cigars (cigarettes may be acceptable in certain circumstances)
- Cadillac Automobiles
- Yukon and Suburbans (Escalade variants double points)
- Porsches with bike racks
- Dunkin Donuts Coffee (see rule 34)
- Starbucks
- Coca-Cola
- Tap Water
- Garmin Computers
- PowerTap/SRM
***Please note. Although my cycling team and I officially created ORM-AAC, Dom Guiver is officially credited with the creation of OREC and the concept of the Official Rules of the Euro cyclist is the brainchild of Mike Flavell, which this is almost entirely based on. There is also another group similar to this one (it is just American cyclist and not funny). We do not associate with that because we made our list more realistic (geezers still use Euro products) and also better. Official recognition: The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Derek Sakamoto and Alex Grossman in homage to Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist because performance certainly won’t impress anyone. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure to ensure that unfortunate observers that you are not having a heart attack (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RULE IF HAVING A HEART ATTACK). Winning races is for twenty-year-olds, so just focus on completing flat centuries before the sag wagon.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel because you don’t understand your power meter.
3. Scientific performance testing should be done as much as possible. Just because you don’t know what LT means does not mean you can’t buy the piece of paper. Also, stress tests are probably physician recommended anyway.
4. Colonoscopies should be scheduled before any hilly ride. It’s efficient. You lose a few pounds and get routine work done. Also, it will make sitting on a saddle for a couple hours seem comparably more bearable.
5. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall always wear plain black spandex shorts. NO BIBS! They look dorky. Colors are too flashy. You don’t want to have even more people notice how slow you are going. It is doubtful anyone, at this point in their lives, will have a team kit, but if you do, it is discouraged. The exception is if it is wool and from thirty years ago; you are a hero (or as fat as your were thirty years ago). Shorts should touch the knees, preferably be half-way over knee caps.
6. Legs shall be HAIRY year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. ANY HAIR REMOVAL IS FORBIDDEN! Ball shaving is acceptable for a vasectomy. If possible glue back hair trimmings to you legs to look more manly.
7. There shall be three shades of tans on the Middle-Aged American Cyclist. A light shade from nude sunbathing when embarrassing one’s daughter/impressing her friends. A wife-beater tan from mowing the lawn. Then a cycling tan. Note: Tan can always be replaced with sunburn.
8. The socks of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall be tube socks. Why pay $10 for socks when your cotton tubes are less than $2?
9. Cycling shoes shall be as ugly as possible because they were on sale.
The following exceptions apply:
i) If your shoes are custom (D2 or Rocket7) get whatever color you want. You just paid $600 for cycling shoes.
10. Shoe covers shall never be worn. They are for aerodynamics and cold weather. Don’t kid yourself, neither are a factor. Aerodynamics are for those skinny kids, and you don’t ride in cold weather.
11. One’s bike frame shall have the following color schemes:
Team colors of any Lance Armstrong Team
LiveStrong black and gold
Red, white, and blue.
12. One shall have only one pair of wheels or winter and summer wheels, never wheels for different events. Clinchers must be used because at all times because you do not know how to glue a tubular. If you do know how to glue a tubular, you are probably too feeble to do so. Ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES because rolling resistance is really the main factor in holding back your performance.
13. Modest, but stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. These glasses should be your all-purpose sunglasses; you don’t want to look like you are too serious about cycling. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times; over is too tricky to take your helmet on and off on breaks.
14. Hair shall be gray, dyed, or bald. Bandanas must always be worn under helmets.
15. In certain RARE cases, hair will exist and be naturally colored. Props.
16. When riding, always wear a helmet. If you are brain dead you can’t go to your 9-5 and buy all this shwag.
17. Kits must be washed only after the spouse has sufficiently complained about the smell for a month. Even this is discouraged because your chamois musk really tells other riders that you ride a lot.
18. Saddles shall have gel covers, gel padding, and a massive cutout to maximize comfort (and chaffing).
19. Handlebar tape is required to be squishy and as dirty as possible. If it’s not completely gone, it still works. If all your bar tape has vanished, get the local shop to replace it because you do not know how.
20. All stems shall have a positive rise and be placed on a massive stack of spacers.
21. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall NEVER know the definition of liniment. Though they will probably need IcyHot for back pain after every ride.
22. Facial hair shall be restricted to mid-life crisis moustache.
23. Shimano shall be THE ONLY acceptable component because it is the only brand we know. If you are loaded then you MUST have Campagnolo Super Record or maybe Record as a status symbol. If you are really confused about life, you buy Veloce. Any new, innovative company is NOT permitted (i.e. NO SRAM, EVER). The ONE EXCEPTION is SRAM generic cables and housing because you don’t know any better.
24. One shall be friendly to all recreational cyclists. Those racing types are jerks for yelling some mumbo jumbo about not holding my line.
25. Riding skill MUST only be determined by how expensive (or “shinny”) one’s bike is. Even if you are riding faster, they are better.
26. One shall attempt at least one triathalon. It’s what the cool gym members do.
27. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. Your joints cannot handle it!
28. Mountain bike gloves are different from regular cycling gloves?
29. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Middle-Aged American Cyclist, cry, “I am calling my lawyer.”
30. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall call the local police department with license plate number.
31. One shall rearrange whenever. Comfort is king. Adjusting your junk won’t create a more preserve image than you riding.
32. REQUIRED ACCESSORIES: Seat bag, CO2, frame pump, extra tube, tire patches, first aid kit, at least 3 mirrors, chain guard, lights, and reflectors.
33. Gearing shall be restricted to a triple up front and a 12-27 (if you know what those numbers mean). If you are cocky about your cycling abilities, go for a compact.
34. SPD and other mountain bike pedals are strongly encouraged because they are compatible with the cycling shoes that are meant to be walked around in. Mountain bike shoes are also easier to walk in.
35. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) at a Starbucks; it shall be drunk with sugar and cream (You are burning those calories on the ride, right?).
36. Podium shots shall be taken from the crowd with a clear view of the podium.
37. All pre- and post-ride activity SHALL be conducted with a beer (preferably Budweiser).
38. Post-ride, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s wife with a grocery list, or
ii. Kids wanting to be picked up from soccer practice.
39. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit and their own weight limit. Those 5-gram reductions add up and were definitely holding you back more than your 45% body fat.
40. Motivational music during training shall consist of smooth jazz. NO EXCEPTIONS. You are now part of a more cultured crowd, than those twenty-some year-olds.
41. Water Bottles shall EXCEED 21 ounces, unless it is either a 70 oz. or 100 o z. CamelBack.
42. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages are ESSENTIAL, preferably the Arundel Mandible.
42. Road I.D. must be worn at all times.
BIKES AND PARTS
- Shimano ANYTHING
- Bontrager ANYTHING
- Trek ANYTHING
- Campagnolo
(Super Record, Record, and Veloce gruppos) (see rule 23)
- SRAM cables and housing only (see rule 23)
- Ritchey
- Specialized Cages (carbon variant)
- Arundel Cages
- King Ti Cages
- Felt Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Serotta Bicycles
- Litespeed Bicycles
- Lynskey Bicycles
- Parlee Bicycles
- Crumpton Bicycles
- Independent Fabrication Bicycles
- Sampson Bicycles
- Seven Bicycles
- CrankBrothers pedals
- Zipp Wheels (preferably Clydesdale Clinchers)
- HED Wheels
- Spinergy Wheels
- Maxxis Tires
- Kenda Tires
- Michelin Tires (only if there is no color coordination)
- Specialized Saddles
- Terry Saddles
- Gel Saddle Covers
- Anything in the bargain bin from “last season”
---------------------Endorsed Apparel---------------------
- Giro Helmets
- Bell Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets
- Oakley eyewear
- Maui Jim eyewear
- Anything “Tennis Ball” Yellow
- Primal Clothing (preferably with a Rock band’s insignia)
- Pearl Izumi Clothing
- Assos Clothing
- Hincapie Clothing
- Gore Clothing
- Capoforma Clothing
- SIDI Footwear
- Specialized Footwear
- Nike Footwear
- D2 footwear
- Rocket 7 footwear
-----------Endorsed Nutritional Products--------------
- Oatmeal with SEVERAL prunes
- Wendy’s*
- McDonald’s*
- Chipotle
- Dunkin Donuts*
- 7 Eleven*
*Also, works for mid-ride fuel
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Viagra
- Cigars (cigarettes may be acceptable in certain circumstances)
- Cadillac Automobiles
- Yukon and Suburbans (Escalade variants double points)
- Porsches with bike racks
- Dunkin Donuts Coffee (see rule 34)
- Starbucks
- Coca-Cola
- Tap Water
- Garmin Computers
- PowerTap/SRM
***Please note. Although my cycling team and I officially created ORM-AAC, Dom Guiver is officially credited with the creation of OREC and the concept of the Official Rules of the Euro cyclist is the brainchild of Mike Flavell, which this is almost entirely based on. There is also another group similar to this one (it is just American cyclist and not funny). We do not associate with that because we made our list more realistic (geezers still use Euro products) and also better. Official recognition: The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Derek Sakamoto and Alex Grossman in homage to Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist because performance certainly won’t impress anyone. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure to ensure that unfortunate observers that you are not having a heart attack (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RULE IF HAVING A HEART ATTACK). Winning races is for twenty-year-olds, so just focus on completing flat centuries before the sag wagon.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel because you don’t understand your power meter.
3. Scientific performance testing should be done as much as possible. Just because you don’t know what LT means does not mean you can’t buy the piece of paper. Also, stress tests are probably physician recommended anyway.
4. Colonoscopies should be scheduled before any hilly ride. It’s efficient. You lose a few pounds and get routine work done. Also, it will make sitting on a saddle for a couple hours seem comparably more bearable.
5. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall always wear plain black spandex shorts. NO BIBS! They look dorky. Colors are too flashy. You don’t want to have even more people notice how slow you are going. It is doubtful anyone, at this point in their lives, will have a team kit, but if you do, it is discouraged. The exception is if it is wool and from thirty years ago; you are a hero (or as fat as your were thirty years ago). Shorts should touch the knees, preferably be half-way over knee caps.
6. Legs shall be HAIRY year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. ANY HAIR REMOVAL IS FORBIDDEN! Ball shaving is acceptable for a vasectomy. If possible glue back hair trimmings to you legs to look more manly.
7. There shall be three shades of tans on the Middle-Aged American Cyclist. A light shade from nude sunbathing when embarrassing one’s daughter/impressing her friends. A wife-beater tan from mowing the lawn. Then a cycling tan. Note: Tan can always be replaced with sunburn.
8. The socks of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall be tube socks. Why pay $10 for socks when your cotton tubes are less than $2?
9. Cycling shoes shall be as ugly as possible because they were on sale.
The following exceptions apply:
i) If your shoes are custom (D2 or Rocket7) get whatever color you want. You just paid $600 for cycling shoes.
10. Shoe covers shall never be worn. They are for aerodynamics and cold weather. Don’t kid yourself, neither are a factor. Aerodynamics are for those skinny kids, and you don’t ride in cold weather.
11. One’s bike frame shall have the following color schemes:
Team colors of any Lance Armstrong Team
LiveStrong black and gold
Red, white, and blue.
12. One shall have only one pair of wheels or winter and summer wheels, never wheels for different events. Clinchers must be used because at all times because you do not know how to glue a tubular. If you do know how to glue a tubular, you are probably too feeble to do so. Ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES because rolling resistance is really the main factor in holding back your performance.
13. Modest, but stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. These glasses should be your all-purpose sunglasses; you don’t want to look like you are too serious about cycling. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times; over is too tricky to take your helmet on and off on breaks.
14. Hair shall be gray, dyed, or bald. Bandanas must always be worn under helmets.
15. In certain RARE cases, hair will exist and be naturally colored. Props.
16. When riding, always wear a helmet. If you are brain dead you can’t go to your 9-5 and buy all this shwag.
17. Kits must be washed only after the spouse has sufficiently complained about the smell for a month. Even this is discouraged because your chamois musk really tells other riders that you ride a lot.
18. Saddles shall have gel covers, gel padding, and a massive cutout to maximize comfort (and chaffing).
19. Handlebar tape is required to be squishy and as dirty as possible. If it’s not completely gone, it still works. If all your bar tape has vanished, get the local shop to replace it because you do not know how.
20. All stems shall have a positive rise and be placed on a massive stack of spacers.
21. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall NEVER know the definition of liniment. Though they will probably need IcyHot for back pain after every ride.
22. Facial hair shall be restricted to mid-life crisis moustache.
23. Shimano shall be THE ONLY acceptable component because it is the only brand we know. If you are loaded then you MUST have Campagnolo Super Record or maybe Record as a status symbol. If you are really confused about life, you buy Veloce. Any new, innovative company is NOT permitted (i.e. NO SRAM, EVER). The ONE EXCEPTION is SRAM generic cables and housing because you don’t know any better.
24. One shall be friendly to all recreational cyclists. Those racing types are jerks for yelling some mumbo jumbo about not holding my line.
25. Riding skill MUST only be determined by how expensive (or “shinny”) one’s bike is. Even if you are riding faster, they are better.
26. One shall attempt at least one triathalon. It’s what the cool gym members do.
27. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. Your joints cannot handle it!
28. Mountain bike gloves are different from regular cycling gloves?
29. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Middle-Aged American Cyclist, cry, “I am calling my lawyer.”
30. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall call the local police department with license plate number.
31. One shall rearrange whenever. Comfort is king. Adjusting your junk won’t create a more preserve image than you riding.
32. REQUIRED ACCESSORIES: Seat bag, CO2, frame pump, extra tube, tire patches, first aid kit, at least 3 mirrors, chain guard, lights, and reflectors.
33. Gearing shall be restricted to a triple up front and a 12-27 (if you know what those numbers mean). If you are cocky about your cycling abilities, go for a compact.
34. SPD and other mountain bike pedals are strongly encouraged because they are compatible with the cycling shoes that are meant to be walked around in. Mountain bike shoes are also easier to walk in.
35. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) at a Starbucks; it shall be drunk with sugar and cream (You are burning those calories on the ride, right?).
36. Podium shots shall be taken from the crowd with a clear view of the podium.
37. All pre- and post-ride activity SHALL be conducted with a beer (preferably Budweiser).
38. Post-ride, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s wife with a grocery list, or
ii. Kids wanting to be picked up from soccer practice.
39. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit and their own weight limit. Those 5-gram reductions add up and were definitely holding you back more than your 45% body fat.
40. Motivational music during training shall consist of smooth jazz. NO EXCEPTIONS. You are now part of a more cultured crowd, than those twenty-some year-olds.
41. Water Bottles shall EXCEED 21 ounces, unless it is either a 70 oz. or 100 o z. CamelBack.
42. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages are ESSENTIAL, preferably the Arundel Mandible.
42. Road I.D. must be worn at all times.
10-01-11, 06:10 PM
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. I'm European so I'll be a middle-aged Euro cyclist, and that's always cool.
10-01-11, 06:43 PM
#6
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I'm middle aged, but don't fit much of that. Guess I don't qualify :-p
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Some sort of pithy irrelevant one-liner should go here.
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Some sort of pithy irrelevant one-liner should go here.
10-01-11, 06:47 PM
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10-01-11, 06:55 PM
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Is this what they do in college these days? At 8PM on a Saturday night I would have been about six beers deep.
10-01-11, 06:57 PM
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.
10-01-11, 06:59 PM
#11
Behind EVERYone!!!
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I wonder what being a Middle Aged American Cyclist living in Canada's rules are. Do I have to drink Molson and Tim Horton's coffee and eat poutine after rides?
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“A good teacher protects his pupils from his own influence. ”
― Bruce Lee
“A good teacher protects his pupils from his own influence. ”
― Bruce Lee
Last edited by baj32161; 10-01-11 at 07:03 PM.
10-01-11, 07:01 PM
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Are badges available that we can sew on our jersey signifying that we have followed the MAAC rules?
I'm guessing that I'd qualify for at least a 12 rule badge.
I'm guessing that I'd qualify for at least a 12 rule badge.
10-01-11, 07:03 PM
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10-01-11, 07:06 PM
#14
Behind EVERYone!!!
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But I HATE coffee
!
!
__________________
“A good teacher protects his pupils from his own influence. ”
― Bruce Lee
“A good teacher protects his pupils from his own influence. ”
― Bruce Lee
10-01-11, 07:08 PM
#15
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10-01-11, 07:10 PM
#16
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Rule # 43, keep the list of rules under ten and learn the meaning of brevity.
10-01-11, 07:11 PM
#17
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Never did like the stuff. Love the smell but the taste just doesn't do it for me. I actually prefer tea. Does that make me a snob?
__________________
“A good teacher protects his pupils from his own influence. ”
― Bruce Lee
“A good teacher protects his pupils from his own influence. ”
― Bruce Lee
10-01-11, 07:18 PM
#18
Uber Goober
As a middle age (or old age? 51, anyway) cyclist, I found that too long with not enough humor content for the time spent reading.
But in general, I'll use anything if it works. But I didn't see Raleigh on the list.
But in general, I'll use anything if it works. But I didn't see Raleigh on the list.
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"be careful this rando stuff is addictive and dan's the 'pusher'."
"be careful this rando stuff is addictive and dan's the 'pusher'."
10-01-11, 07:30 PM
#19
Peloton Shelter Dog
When the Euro and regular rules just don't apply to you anymore.
BIKES AND PARTS
- Shimano ANYTHING
- Bontrager ANYTHING
- Trek ANYTHING
- Campagnolo
(Super Record, Record, and Veloce gruppos) (see rule 23)
- SRAM cables and housing only (see rule 23)
- Ritchey
- Specialized Cages (carbon variant)
- Arundel Cages
- King Ti Cages
- Felt Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Serotta Bicycles
- Litespeed Bicycles
- Lynskey Bicycles
- Parlee Bicycles
- Crumpton Bicycles
- Independent Fabrication Bicycles
- Sampson Bicycles
- Seven Bicycles
- CrankBrothers pedals
- Zipp Wheels (preferably Clydesdale Clinchers)
- HED Wheels
- Spinergy Wheels
- Maxxis Tires
- Kenda Tires
- Michelin Tires (only if there is no color coordination)
- Specialized Saddles
- Terry Saddles
- Gel Saddle Covers
- Anything in the bargain bin from “last season”
---------------------Endorsed Apparel---------------------
- Giro Helmets
- Bell Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets
- Oakley eyewear
- Maui Jim eyewear
- Anything “Tennis Ball” Yellow
- Primal Clothing (preferably with a Rock band’s insignia)
- Pearl Izumi Clothing
- Assos Clothing
- Hincapie Clothing
- Gore Clothing
- Capoforma Clothing
- SIDI Footwear
- Specialized Footwear
- Nike Footwear
- D2 footwear
- Rocket 7 footwear
-----------Endorsed Nutritional Products--------------
- Oatmeal with SEVERAL prunes
- Wendy’s*
- McDonald’s*
- Chipotle
- Dunkin Donuts*
- 7 Eleven*
*Also, works for mid-ride fuel
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Viagra
- Cigars (cigarettes may be acceptable in certain circumstances)
- Cadillac Automobiles
- Yukon and Suburbans (Escalade variants double points)
- Porsches with bike racks
- Dunkin Donuts Coffee (see rule 34)
- Starbucks
- Coca-Cola
- Tap Water
- Garmin Computers
- PowerTap/SRM
***Please note. Although my cycling team and I officially created ORM-AAC, Dom Guiver is officially credited with the creation of OREC and the concept of the Official Rules of the Euro cyclist is the brainchild of Mike Flavell, which this is almost entirely based on. There is also another group similar to this one (it is just American cyclist and not funny). We do not associate with that because we made our list more realistic (geezers still use Euro products) and also better. Official recognition: The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Derek Sakamoto and Alex Grossman in homage to Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist because performance certainly won’t impress anyone. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure to ensure that unfortunate observers that you are not having a heart attack (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RULE IF HAVING A HEART ATTACK). Winning races is for twenty-year-olds, so just focus on completing flat centuries before the sag wagon.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel because you don’t understand your power meter.
3. Scientific performance testing should be done as much as possible. Just because you don’t know what LT means does not mean you can’t buy the piece of paper. Also, stress tests are probably physician recommended anyway.
4. Colonoscopies should be scheduled before any hilly ride. It’s efficient. You lose a few pounds and get routine work done. Also, it will make sitting on a saddle for a couple hours seem comparably more bearable.
5. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall always wear plain black spandex shorts. NO BIBS! They look dorky. Colors are too flashy. You don’t want to have even more people notice how slow you are going. It is doubtful anyone, at this point in their lives, will have a team kit, but if you do, it is discouraged. The exception is if it is wool and from thirty years ago; you are a hero (or as fat as your were thirty years ago). Shorts should touch the knees, preferably be half-way over knee caps.
6. Legs shall be HAIRY year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. ANY HAIR REMOVAL IS FORBIDDEN! Ball shaving is acceptable for a vasectomy. If possible glue back hair trimmings to you legs to look more manly.
7. There shall be three shades of tans on the Middle-Aged American Cyclist. A light shade from nude sunbathing when embarrassing one’s daughter/impressing her friends. A wife-beater tan from mowing the lawn. Then a cycling tan. Note: Tan can always be replaced with sunburn.
8. The socks of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall be tube socks. Why pay $10 for socks when your cotton tubes are less than $2?
9. Cycling shoes shall be as ugly as possible because they were on sale.
The following exceptions apply:
i) If your shoes are custom (D2 or Rocket7) get whatever color you want. You just paid $600 for cycling shoes.
10. Shoe covers shall never be worn. They are for aerodynamics and cold weather. Don’t kid yourself, neither are a factor. Aerodynamics are for those skinny kids, and you don’t ride in cold weather.
11. One’s bike frame shall have the following color schemes:
Team colors of any Lance Armstrong Team
LiveStrong black and gold
Red, white, and blue.
12. One shall have only one pair of wheels or winter and summer wheels, never wheels for different events. Clinchers must be used because at all times because you do not know how to glue a tubular. If you do know how to glue a tubular, you are probably too feeble to do so. Ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES because rolling resistance is really the main factor in holding back your performance.
13. Modest, but stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. These glasses should be your all-purpose sunglasses; you don’t want to look like you are too serious about cycling. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times; over is too tricky to take your helmet on and off on breaks.
14. Hair shall be gray, dyed, or bald. Bandanas must always be worn under helmets.
15. In certain RARE cases, hair will exist and be naturally colored. Props.
16. When riding, always wear a helmet. If you are brain dead you can’t go to your 9-5 and buy all this shwag.
17. Kits must be washed only after the spouse has sufficiently complained about the smell for a month. Even this is discouraged because your chamois musk really tells other riders that you ride a lot.
18. Saddles shall have gel covers, gel padding, and a massive cutout to maximize comfort (and chaffing).
19. Handlebar tape is required to be squishy and as dirty as possible. If it’s not completely gone, it still works. If all your bar tape has vanished, get the local shop to replace it because you do not know how.
20. All stems shall have a positive rise and be placed on a massive stack of spacers.
21. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall NEVER know the definition of liniment. Though they will probably need IcyHot for back pain after every ride.
22. Facial hair shall be restricted to mid-life crisis moustache.
23. Shimano shall be THE ONLY acceptable component because it is the only brand we know. If you are loaded then you MUST have Campagnolo Super Record or maybe Record as a status symbol. If you are really confused about life, you buy Veloce. Any new, innovative company is NOT permitted (i.e. NO SRAM, EVER). The ONE EXCEPTION is SRAM generic cables and housing because you don’t know any better.
24. One shall be friendly to all recreational cyclists. Those racing types are jerks for yelling some mumbo jumbo about not holding my line.
25. Riding skill MUST only be determined by how expensive (or “shinny”) one’s bike is. Even if you are riding faster, they are better.
26. One shall attempt at least one triathalon. It’s what the cool gym members do.
27. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. Your joints cannot handle it!
28. Mountain bike gloves are different from regular cycling gloves?
29. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Middle-Aged American Cyclist, cry, “I am calling my lawyer.”
30. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall call the local police department with license plate number.
31. One shall rearrange whenever. Comfort is king. Adjusting your junk won’t create a more preserve image than you riding.
32. REQUIRED ACCESSORIES: Seat bag, CO2, frame pump, extra tube, tire patches, first aid kit, at least 3 mirrors, chain guard, lights, and reflectors.
33. Gearing shall be restricted to a triple up front and a 12-27 (if you know what those numbers mean). If you are cocky about your cycling abilities, go for a compact.
34. SPD and other mountain bike pedals are strongly encouraged because they are compatible with the cycling shoes that are meant to be walked around in. Mountain bike shoes are also easier to walk in.
35. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) at a Starbucks; it shall be drunk with sugar and cream (You are burning those calories on the ride, right?).
36. Podium shots shall be taken from the crowd with a clear view of the podium.
37. All pre- and post-ride activity SHALL be conducted with a beer (preferably Budweiser).
38. Post-ride, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s wife with a grocery list, or
ii. Kids wanting to be picked up from soccer practice.
39. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit and their own weight limit. Those 5-gram reductions add up and were definitely holding you back more than your 45% body fat.
40. Motivational music during training shall consist of smooth jazz. NO EXCEPTIONS. You are now part of a more cultured crowd, than those twenty-some year-olds.
41. Water Bottles shall EXCEED 21 ounces, unless it is either a 70 oz. or 100 o z. CamelBack.
42. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages are ESSENTIAL, preferably the Arundel Mandible.
42. Road I.D. must be worn at all times.
BIKES AND PARTS
- Shimano ANYTHING
- Bontrager ANYTHING
- Trek ANYTHING
- Campagnolo
(Super Record, Record, and Veloce gruppos) (see rule 23)
- SRAM cables and housing only (see rule 23)
- Ritchey
- Specialized Cages (carbon variant)
- Arundel Cages
- King Ti Cages
- Felt Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Serotta Bicycles
- Litespeed Bicycles
- Lynskey Bicycles
- Parlee Bicycles
- Crumpton Bicycles
- Independent Fabrication Bicycles
- Sampson Bicycles
- Seven Bicycles
- CrankBrothers pedals
- Zipp Wheels (preferably Clydesdale Clinchers)
- HED Wheels
- Spinergy Wheels
- Maxxis Tires
- Kenda Tires
- Michelin Tires (only if there is no color coordination)
- Specialized Saddles
- Terry Saddles
- Gel Saddle Covers
- Anything in the bargain bin from “last season”
---------------------Endorsed Apparel---------------------
- Giro Helmets
- Bell Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets
- Oakley eyewear
- Maui Jim eyewear
- Anything “Tennis Ball” Yellow
- Primal Clothing (preferably with a Rock band’s insignia)
- Pearl Izumi Clothing
- Assos Clothing
- Hincapie Clothing
- Gore Clothing
- Capoforma Clothing
- SIDI Footwear
- Specialized Footwear
- Nike Footwear
- D2 footwear
- Rocket 7 footwear
-----------Endorsed Nutritional Products--------------
- Oatmeal with SEVERAL prunes
- Wendy’s*
- McDonald’s*
- Chipotle
- Dunkin Donuts*
- 7 Eleven*
*Also, works for mid-ride fuel
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Viagra
- Cigars (cigarettes may be acceptable in certain circumstances)
- Cadillac Automobiles
- Yukon and Suburbans (Escalade variants double points)
- Porsches with bike racks
- Dunkin Donuts Coffee (see rule 34)
- Starbucks
- Coca-Cola
- Tap Water
- Garmin Computers
- PowerTap/SRM
***Please note. Although my cycling team and I officially created ORM-AAC, Dom Guiver is officially credited with the creation of OREC and the concept of the Official Rules of the Euro cyclist is the brainchild of Mike Flavell, which this is almost entirely based on. There is also another group similar to this one (it is just American cyclist and not funny). We do not associate with that because we made our list more realistic (geezers still use Euro products) and also better. Official recognition: The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Derek Sakamoto and Alex Grossman in homage to Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist because performance certainly won’t impress anyone. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure to ensure that unfortunate observers that you are not having a heart attack (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RULE IF HAVING A HEART ATTACK). Winning races is for twenty-year-olds, so just focus on completing flat centuries before the sag wagon.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel because you don’t understand your power meter.
3. Scientific performance testing should be done as much as possible. Just because you don’t know what LT means does not mean you can’t buy the piece of paper. Also, stress tests are probably physician recommended anyway.
4. Colonoscopies should be scheduled before any hilly ride. It’s efficient. You lose a few pounds and get routine work done. Also, it will make sitting on a saddle for a couple hours seem comparably more bearable.
5. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall always wear plain black spandex shorts. NO BIBS! They look dorky. Colors are too flashy. You don’t want to have even more people notice how slow you are going. It is doubtful anyone, at this point in their lives, will have a team kit, but if you do, it is discouraged. The exception is if it is wool and from thirty years ago; you are a hero (or as fat as your were thirty years ago). Shorts should touch the knees, preferably be half-way over knee caps.
6. Legs shall be HAIRY year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. ANY HAIR REMOVAL IS FORBIDDEN! Ball shaving is acceptable for a vasectomy. If possible glue back hair trimmings to you legs to look more manly.
7. There shall be three shades of tans on the Middle-Aged American Cyclist. A light shade from nude sunbathing when embarrassing one’s daughter/impressing her friends. A wife-beater tan from mowing the lawn. Then a cycling tan. Note: Tan can always be replaced with sunburn.
8. The socks of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall be tube socks. Why pay $10 for socks when your cotton tubes are less than $2?
9. Cycling shoes shall be as ugly as possible because they were on sale.
The following exceptions apply:
i) If your shoes are custom (D2 or Rocket7) get whatever color you want. You just paid $600 for cycling shoes.
10. Shoe covers shall never be worn. They are for aerodynamics and cold weather. Don’t kid yourself, neither are a factor. Aerodynamics are for those skinny kids, and you don’t ride in cold weather.
11. One’s bike frame shall have the following color schemes:
Team colors of any Lance Armstrong Team
LiveStrong black and gold
Red, white, and blue.
12. One shall have only one pair of wheels or winter and summer wheels, never wheels for different events. Clinchers must be used because at all times because you do not know how to glue a tubular. If you do know how to glue a tubular, you are probably too feeble to do so. Ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES because rolling resistance is really the main factor in holding back your performance.
13. Modest, but stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. These glasses should be your all-purpose sunglasses; you don’t want to look like you are too serious about cycling. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times; over is too tricky to take your helmet on and off on breaks.
14. Hair shall be gray, dyed, or bald. Bandanas must always be worn under helmets.
15. In certain RARE cases, hair will exist and be naturally colored. Props.
16. When riding, always wear a helmet. If you are brain dead you can’t go to your 9-5 and buy all this shwag.
17. Kits must be washed only after the spouse has sufficiently complained about the smell for a month. Even this is discouraged because your chamois musk really tells other riders that you ride a lot.
18. Saddles shall have gel covers, gel padding, and a massive cutout to maximize comfort (and chaffing).
19. Handlebar tape is required to be squishy and as dirty as possible. If it’s not completely gone, it still works. If all your bar tape has vanished, get the local shop to replace it because you do not know how.
20. All stems shall have a positive rise and be placed on a massive stack of spacers.
21. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall NEVER know the definition of liniment. Though they will probably need IcyHot for back pain after every ride.
22. Facial hair shall be restricted to mid-life crisis moustache.
23. Shimano shall be THE ONLY acceptable component because it is the only brand we know. If you are loaded then you MUST have Campagnolo Super Record or maybe Record as a status symbol. If you are really confused about life, you buy Veloce. Any new, innovative company is NOT permitted (i.e. NO SRAM, EVER). The ONE EXCEPTION is SRAM generic cables and housing because you don’t know any better.
24. One shall be friendly to all recreational cyclists. Those racing types are jerks for yelling some mumbo jumbo about not holding my line.
25. Riding skill MUST only be determined by how expensive (or “shinny”) one’s bike is. Even if you are riding faster, they are better.
26. One shall attempt at least one triathalon. It’s what the cool gym members do.
27. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. Your joints cannot handle it!
28. Mountain bike gloves are different from regular cycling gloves?
29. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Middle-Aged American Cyclist, cry, “I am calling my lawyer.”
30. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall call the local police department with license plate number.
31. One shall rearrange whenever. Comfort is king. Adjusting your junk won’t create a more preserve image than you riding.
32. REQUIRED ACCESSORIES: Seat bag, CO2, frame pump, extra tube, tire patches, first aid kit, at least 3 mirrors, chain guard, lights, and reflectors.
33. Gearing shall be restricted to a triple up front and a 12-27 (if you know what those numbers mean). If you are cocky about your cycling abilities, go for a compact.
34. SPD and other mountain bike pedals are strongly encouraged because they are compatible with the cycling shoes that are meant to be walked around in. Mountain bike shoes are also easier to walk in.
35. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) at a Starbucks; it shall be drunk with sugar and cream (You are burning those calories on the ride, right?).
36. Podium shots shall be taken from the crowd with a clear view of the podium.
37. All pre- and post-ride activity SHALL be conducted with a beer (preferably Budweiser).
38. Post-ride, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s wife with a grocery list, or
ii. Kids wanting to be picked up from soccer practice.
39. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit and their own weight limit. Those 5-gram reductions add up and were definitely holding you back more than your 45% body fat.
40. Motivational music during training shall consist of smooth jazz. NO EXCEPTIONS. You are now part of a more cultured crowd, than those twenty-some year-olds.
41. Water Bottles shall EXCEED 21 ounces, unless it is either a 70 oz. or 100 o z. CamelBack.
42. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages are ESSENTIAL, preferably the Arundel Mandible.
42. Road I.D. must be worn at all times.
__________________
https://www.cotsiscad.com
https://www.cotsiscad.com
10-01-11, 08:06 PM
#21
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 3,456
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I can't believe you took the time to type all that. I think I reached middle aged by the time I got to #6.
EDIT - just saw you cut n pasted it. Whew.
EDIT - just saw you cut n pasted it. Whew.
10-01-11, 08:12 PM
#22
cowboy, steel horse, etc
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The hot spot.
Posts: 44,784
Bikes: everywhere
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Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12736 Post(s)
Liked 7,647 Times
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4,055 Posts
Damn, Pinarello's not on the bike list. I could probably get by with an IF, I suppose...
10-02-11, 05:47 AM
#23
2nd Amendment Cyclist
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 1,036
Bikes: Schwinn 2010 World Street, Handsome Speedy w/ SRAM Apex
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look, it's another generation of kids who think that people over 30 are idiots.
Quick, save the world, solve world hunger, achieve world peace, and balance the budget while you still know everything!
Quick, save the world, solve world hunger, achieve world peace, and balance the budget while you still know everything!
10-02-11, 05:58 AM
#24
Peloton Shelter Dog
People over 30 are idiots. People under 30 are even bigger idiots.
And the band played on.
And the band played on.
__________________
https://www.cotsiscad.com
https://www.cotsiscad.com
10-02-11, 06:23 AM
#25
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: North, Ga.
Posts: 2,401
Bikes: 3Rensho-Aerodynamics, Bernard Hinault Look - 1986 tour winner, Guerciotti, Various Klein's & Panasonic's
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162 Posts
When the Euro and regular rules just don't apply to you anymore.
BIKES AND PARTS
- Shimano ANYTHING
- Bontrager ANYTHING
- Trek ANYTHING
- Campagnolo
(Super Record, Record, and Veloce gruppos) (see rule 23)
- SRAM cables and housing only (see rule 23)
- Ritchey
- Specialized Cages (carbon variant)
- Arundel Cages
- King Ti Cages
- Felt Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Serotta Bicycles
- Litespeed Bicycles
- Lynskey Bicycles
- Parlee Bicycles
- Crumpton Bicycles
- Independent Fabrication Bicycles
- Sampson Bicycles
- Seven Bicycles
- CrankBrothers pedals
- Zipp Wheels (preferably Clydesdale Clinchers)
- HED Wheels
- Spinergy Wheels
- Maxxis Tires
- Kenda Tires
- Michelin Tires (only if there is no color coordination)
- Specialized Saddles
- Terry Saddles
- Gel Saddle Covers
- Anything in the bargain bin from “last season”
---------------------Endorsed Apparel---------------------
- Giro Helmets
- Bell Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets
- Oakley eyewear
- Maui Jim eyewear
- Anything “Tennis Ball” Yellow
- Primal Clothing (preferably with a Rock band’s insignia)
- Pearl Izumi Clothing
- Assos Clothing
- Hincapie Clothing
- Gore Clothing
- Capoforma Clothing
- SIDI Footwear
- Specialized Footwear
- Nike Footwear
- D2 footwear
- Rocket 7 footwear
-----------Endorsed Nutritional Products--------------
- Oatmeal with SEVERAL prunes
- Wendy’s*
- McDonald’s*
- Chipotle
- Dunkin Donuts*
- 7 Eleven*
*Also, works for mid-ride fuel
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Viagra
- Cigars (cigarettes may be acceptable in certain circumstances)
- Cadillac Automobiles
- Yukon and Suburbans (Escalade variants double points)
- Porsches with bike racks
- Dunkin Donuts Coffee (see rule 34)
- Starbucks
- Coca-Cola
- Tap Water
- Garmin Computers
- PowerTap/SRM
***Please note. Although my cycling team and I officially created ORM-AAC, Dom Guiver is officially credited with the creation of OREC and the concept of the Official Rules of the Euro cyclist is the brainchild of Mike Flavell, which this is almost entirely based on. There is also another group similar to this one (it is just American cyclist and not funny). We do not associate with that because we made our list more realistic (geezers still use Euro products) and also better. Official recognition: The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Derek Sakamoto and Alex Grossman in homage to Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist because performance certainly won’t impress anyone. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure to ensure that unfortunate observers that you are not having a heart attack (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RULE IF HAVING A HEART ATTACK). Winning races is for twenty-year-olds, so just focus on completing flat centuries before the sag wagon.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel because you don’t understand your power meter.
3. Scientific performance testing should be done as much as possible. Just because you don’t know what LT means does not mean you can’t buy the piece of paper. Also, stress tests are probably physician recommended anyway.
4. Colonoscopies should be scheduled before any hilly ride. It’s efficient. You lose a few pounds and get routine work done. Also, it will make sitting on a saddle for a couple hours seem comparably more bearable.
5. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall always wear plain black spandex shorts. NO BIBS! They look dorky. Colors are too flashy. You don’t want to have even more people notice how slow you are going. It is doubtful anyone, at this point in their lives, will have a team kit, but if you do, it is discouraged. The exception is if it is wool and from thirty years ago; you are a hero (or as fat as your were thirty years ago). Shorts should touch the knees, preferably be half-way over knee caps.
6. Legs shall be HAIRY year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. ANY HAIR REMOVAL IS FORBIDDEN! Ball shaving is acceptable for a vasectomy. If possible glue back hair trimmings to you legs to look more manly.
7. There shall be three shades of tans on the Middle-Aged American Cyclist. A light shade from nude sunbathing when embarrassing one’s daughter/impressing her friends. A wife-beater tan from mowing the lawn. Then a cycling tan. Note: Tan can always be replaced with sunburn.
8. The socks of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall be tube socks. Why pay $10 for socks when your cotton tubes are less than $2?
9. Cycling shoes shall be as ugly as possible because they were on sale.
The following exceptions apply:
i) If your shoes are custom (D2 or Rocket7) get whatever color you want. You just paid $600 for cycling shoes.
10. Shoe covers shall never be worn. They are for aerodynamics and cold weather. Don’t kid yourself, neither are a factor. Aerodynamics are for those skinny kids, and you don’t ride in cold weather.
11. One’s bike frame shall have the following color schemes:
Team colors of any Lance Armstrong Team
LiveStrong black and gold
Red, white, and blue.
12. One shall have only one pair of wheels or winter and summer wheels, never wheels for different events. Clinchers must be used because at all times because you do not know how to glue a tubular. If you do know how to glue a tubular, you are probably too feeble to do so. Ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES because rolling resistance is really the main factor in holding back your performance.
13. Modest, but stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. These glasses should be your all-purpose sunglasses; you don’t want to look like you are too serious about cycling. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times; over is too tricky to take your helmet on and off on breaks.
14. Hair shall be gray, dyed, or bald. Bandanas must always be worn under helmets.
15. In certain RARE cases, hair will exist and be naturally colored. Props.
16. When riding, always wear a helmet. If you are brain dead you can’t go to your 9-5 and buy all this shwag.
17. Kits must be washed only after the spouse has sufficiently complained about the smell for a month. Even this is discouraged because your chamois musk really tells other riders that you ride a lot.
18. Saddles shall have gel covers, gel padding, and a massive cutout to maximize comfort (and chaffing).
19. Handlebar tape is required to be squishy and as dirty as possible. If it’s not completely gone, it still works. If all your bar tape has vanished, get the local shop to replace it because you do not know how.
20. All stems shall have a positive rise and be placed on a massive stack of spacers.
21. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall NEVER know the definition of liniment. Though they will probably need IcyHot for back pain after every ride.
22. Facial hair shall be restricted to mid-life crisis moustache.
23. Shimano shall be THE ONLY acceptable component because it is the only brand we know. If you are loaded then you MUST have Campagnolo Super Record or maybe Record as a status symbol. If you are really confused about life, you buy Veloce. Any new, innovative company is NOT permitted (i.e. NO SRAM, EVER). The ONE EXCEPTION is SRAM generic cables and housing because you don’t know any better.
24. One shall be friendly to all recreational cyclists. Those racing types are jerks for yelling some mumbo jumbo about not holding my line.
25. Riding skill MUST only be determined by how expensive (or “shinny”) one’s bike is. Even if you are riding faster, they are better.
26. One shall attempt at least one triathalon. It’s what the cool gym members do.
27. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. Your joints cannot handle it!
28. Mountain bike gloves are different from regular cycling gloves?
29. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Middle-Aged American Cyclist, cry, “I am calling my lawyer.”
30. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall call the local police department with license plate number.
31. One shall rearrange whenever. Comfort is king. Adjusting your junk won’t create a more preserve image than you riding.
32. REQUIRED ACCESSORIES: Seat bag, CO2, frame pump, extra tube, tire patches, first aid kit, at least 3 mirrors, chain guard, lights, and reflectors.
33. Gearing shall be restricted to a triple up front and a 12-27 (if you know what those numbers mean). If you are cocky about your cycling abilities, go for a compact.
34. SPD and other mountain bike pedals are strongly encouraged because they are compatible with the cycling shoes that are meant to be walked around in. Mountain bike shoes are also easier to walk in.
35. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) at a Starbucks; it shall be drunk with sugar and cream (You are burning those calories on the ride, right?).
36. Podium shots shall be taken from the crowd with a clear view of the podium.
37. All pre- and post-ride activity SHALL be conducted with a beer (preferably Budweiser).
38. Post-ride, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s wife with a grocery list, or
ii. Kids wanting to be picked up from soccer practice.
39. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit and their own weight limit. Those 5-gram reductions add up and were definitely holding you back more than your 45% body fat.
40. Motivational music during training shall consist of smooth jazz. NO EXCEPTIONS. You are now part of a more cultured crowd, than those twenty-some year-olds.
41. Water Bottles shall EXCEED 21 ounces, unless it is either a 70 oz. or 100 o z. CamelBack.
42. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages are ESSENTIAL, preferably the Arundel Mandible.
42. Road I.D. must be worn at all times.
BIKES AND PARTS
- Shimano ANYTHING
- Bontrager ANYTHING
- Trek ANYTHING
- Campagnolo
(Super Record, Record, and Veloce gruppos) (see rule 23)
- SRAM cables and housing only (see rule 23)
- Ritchey
- Specialized Cages (carbon variant)
- Arundel Cages
- King Ti Cages
- Felt Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Serotta Bicycles
- Litespeed Bicycles
- Lynskey Bicycles
- Parlee Bicycles
- Crumpton Bicycles
- Independent Fabrication Bicycles
- Sampson Bicycles
- Seven Bicycles
- CrankBrothers pedals
- Zipp Wheels (preferably Clydesdale Clinchers)
- HED Wheels
- Spinergy Wheels
- Maxxis Tires
- Kenda Tires
- Michelin Tires (only if there is no color coordination)
- Specialized Saddles
- Terry Saddles
- Gel Saddle Covers
- Anything in the bargain bin from “last season”
---------------------Endorsed Apparel---------------------
- Giro Helmets
- Bell Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets
- Oakley eyewear
- Maui Jim eyewear
- Anything “Tennis Ball” Yellow
- Primal Clothing (preferably with a Rock band’s insignia)
- Pearl Izumi Clothing
- Assos Clothing
- Hincapie Clothing
- Gore Clothing
- Capoforma Clothing
- SIDI Footwear
- Specialized Footwear
- Nike Footwear
- D2 footwear
- Rocket 7 footwear
-----------Endorsed Nutritional Products--------------
- Oatmeal with SEVERAL prunes
- Wendy’s*
- McDonald’s*
- Chipotle
- Dunkin Donuts*
- 7 Eleven*
*Also, works for mid-ride fuel
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Viagra
- Cigars (cigarettes may be acceptable in certain circumstances)
- Cadillac Automobiles
- Yukon and Suburbans (Escalade variants double points)
- Porsches with bike racks
- Dunkin Donuts Coffee (see rule 34)
- Starbucks
- Coca-Cola
- Tap Water
- Garmin Computers
- PowerTap/SRM
***Please note. Although my cycling team and I officially created ORM-AAC, Dom Guiver is officially credited with the creation of OREC and the concept of the Official Rules of the Euro cyclist is the brainchild of Mike Flavell, which this is almost entirely based on. There is also another group similar to this one (it is just American cyclist and not funny). We do not associate with that because we made our list more realistic (geezers still use Euro products) and also better. Official recognition: The Official Rules of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist
THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE-AGED AMERICAN CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT
Created by Derek Sakamoto and Alex Grossman in homage to Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell
1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist because performance certainly won’t impress anyone. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure to ensure that unfortunate observers that you are not having a heart attack (DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RULE IF HAVING A HEART ATTACK). Winning races is for twenty-year-olds, so just focus on completing flat centuries before the sag wagon.
2. Training shall be based solely on feel because you don’t understand your power meter.
3. Scientific performance testing should be done as much as possible. Just because you don’t know what LT means does not mean you can’t buy the piece of paper. Also, stress tests are probably physician recommended anyway.
4. Colonoscopies should be scheduled before any hilly ride. It’s efficient. You lose a few pounds and get routine work done. Also, it will make sitting on a saddle for a couple hours seem comparably more bearable.
5. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall always wear plain black spandex shorts. NO BIBS! They look dorky. Colors are too flashy. You don’t want to have even more people notice how slow you are going. It is doubtful anyone, at this point in their lives, will have a team kit, but if you do, it is discouraged. The exception is if it is wool and from thirty years ago; you are a hero (or as fat as your were thirty years ago). Shorts should touch the knees, preferably be half-way over knee caps.
6. Legs shall be HAIRY year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. ANY HAIR REMOVAL IS FORBIDDEN! Ball shaving is acceptable for a vasectomy. If possible glue back hair trimmings to you legs to look more manly.
7. There shall be three shades of tans on the Middle-Aged American Cyclist. A light shade from nude sunbathing when embarrassing one’s daughter/impressing her friends. A wife-beater tan from mowing the lawn. Then a cycling tan. Note: Tan can always be replaced with sunburn.
8. The socks of the Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall be tube socks. Why pay $10 for socks when your cotton tubes are less than $2?
9. Cycling shoes shall be as ugly as possible because they were on sale.
The following exceptions apply:
i) If your shoes are custom (D2 or Rocket7) get whatever color you want. You just paid $600 for cycling shoes.
10. Shoe covers shall never be worn. They are for aerodynamics and cold weather. Don’t kid yourself, neither are a factor. Aerodynamics are for those skinny kids, and you don’t ride in cold weather.
11. One’s bike frame shall have the following color schemes:
Team colors of any Lance Armstrong Team
LiveStrong black and gold
Red, white, and blue.
12. One shall have only one pair of wheels or winter and summer wheels, never wheels for different events. Clinchers must be used because at all times because you do not know how to glue a tubular. If you do know how to glue a tubular, you are probably too feeble to do so. Ceramic bearings shall be used at ALL TIMES because rolling resistance is really the main factor in holding back your performance.
13. Modest, but stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn AT ALL TIMES without exception. These glasses should be your all-purpose sunglasses; you don’t want to look like you are too serious about cycling. Glasses are to be worn under helmet straps at all times; over is too tricky to take your helmet on and off on breaks.
14. Hair shall be gray, dyed, or bald. Bandanas must always be worn under helmets.
15. In certain RARE cases, hair will exist and be naturally colored. Props.
16. When riding, always wear a helmet. If you are brain dead you can’t go to your 9-5 and buy all this shwag.
17. Kits must be washed only after the spouse has sufficiently complained about the smell for a month. Even this is discouraged because your chamois musk really tells other riders that you ride a lot.
18. Saddles shall have gel covers, gel padding, and a massive cutout to maximize comfort (and chaffing).
19. Handlebar tape is required to be squishy and as dirty as possible. If it’s not completely gone, it still works. If all your bar tape has vanished, get the local shop to replace it because you do not know how.
20. All stems shall have a positive rise and be placed on a massive stack of spacers.
21. The Middle-Aged American Cyclist shall NEVER know the definition of liniment. Though they will probably need IcyHot for back pain after every ride.
22. Facial hair shall be restricted to mid-life crisis moustache.
23. Shimano shall be THE ONLY acceptable component because it is the only brand we know. If you are loaded then you MUST have Campagnolo Super Record or maybe Record as a status symbol. If you are really confused about life, you buy Veloce. Any new, innovative company is NOT permitted (i.e. NO SRAM, EVER). The ONE EXCEPTION is SRAM generic cables and housing because you don’t know any better.
24. One shall be friendly to all recreational cyclists. Those racing types are jerks for yelling some mumbo jumbo about not holding my line.
25. Riding skill MUST only be determined by how expensive (or “shinny”) one’s bike is. Even if you are riding faster, they are better.
26. One shall attempt at least one triathalon. It’s what the cool gym members do.
27. Any physical activity other than cycling is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. Your joints cannot handle it!
28. Mountain bike gloves are different from regular cycling gloves?
29. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Middle-Aged American Cyclist, cry, “I am calling my lawyer.”
30. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall call the local police department with license plate number.
31. One shall rearrange whenever. Comfort is king. Adjusting your junk won’t create a more preserve image than you riding.
32. REQUIRED ACCESSORIES: Seat bag, CO2, frame pump, extra tube, tire patches, first aid kit, at least 3 mirrors, chain guard, lights, and reflectors.
33. Gearing shall be restricted to a triple up front and a 12-27 (if you know what those numbers mean). If you are cocky about your cycling abilities, go for a compact.
34. SPD and other mountain bike pedals are strongly encouraged because they are compatible with the cycling shoes that are meant to be walked around in. Mountain bike shoes are also easier to walk in.
35. Coffee is a NECESSITY and as such it must be consumed STRONG (e.g. espresso) at a Starbucks; it shall be drunk with sugar and cream (You are burning those calories on the ride, right?).
36. Podium shots shall be taken from the crowd with a clear view of the podium.
37. All pre- and post-ride activity SHALL be conducted with a beer (preferably Budweiser).
38. Post-ride, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from:
i. One’s wife with a grocery list, or
ii. Kids wanting to be picked up from soccer practice.
39. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit and their own weight limit. Those 5-gram reductions add up and were definitely holding you back more than your 45% body fat.
40. Motivational music during training shall consist of smooth jazz. NO EXCEPTIONS. You are now part of a more cultured crowd, than those twenty-some year-olds.
41. Water Bottles shall EXCEED 21 ounces, unless it is either a 70 oz. or 100 o z. CamelBack.
42. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages are ESSENTIAL, preferably the Arundel Mandible.
42. Road I.D. must be worn at all times.