DaveQ24

I'm sorry that this has somehow offended you. I briefly entertained the thought of submitting some sort of definitive "proof" to you that I'm who I said I am and I'm going through this. My knowledge of "Internet Trolls" is pretty limited to the back-and-forth accusations found in a few hostile exchanges on this and a couple of other online forums I've read, and the story line from last fall's season of South Park. If I were a bored teenager with a decent command of English faking all of this from mom's basement or an Internet Cafe in Bangkok or Manila, I hope to God I could come up with some story line that is far less depressing than this one to dangle out there and see who bites.

I'm also sorry that what I mentioned about the amount of money I've spent, bikes, brands, products was construed as somehow boastful, bragging, or in any other way seemed to convey some sense of "superiority" about me when viewed against anyone else on this forum, or in the world at large. Because to me, it was exactly the opposite; believe me, I have no pride, very little dignity, and very little self-worth, and I have no sense of superiority to anyone, most of the time I feel basically not even human enough to belong in civil society. Chalk up my several years of what could probably clinically be classifiable as a pathology or symptom, to "a fool and his money are soon parted" or "money can't buy happiness" or any of a dozen other parables, folk sayings, whatever that seem to apply. Actually, I think each of those purchases became an exercise in self-punishment, not much different from the binge and purge thing I do - going into it, I knew I'd regret it; going through it, it felt wrong, weird, uncomfortable, even very painful; afterwards, I'm very much filled with regret. If I could go back and time and do that - and almost everything else in my life - differently, I would in a heartbeat.

But I don't know if that even matters. I shouldn't have to feel like this, this absolutely miserable about myself and my life, because of the way I'm confronting something horrible in my life that happened to me. I was trying to "do the responsible thing" and work through this with the help of trained professionals in mental health. Would it be less "unseemly" if I self-medicated into a stupor with Stolychnaya and Jose Curvo, or skulked around and bought myself a stash of methamphetamine or something instead of trying to "do the right thing?"

But I do. Having to see myself suddenly as "a mental patient" has NOT made me feel good about myself in any way. It's actually shaken me to my foundation just like everything I went through in my past - because I don't see many pluses to this thing. I see a lot of potential deathtraps - loss of income/job/career; ongoing stigmatization; altered relationships or possibly even severed relationships with family, friends; a cycle of isolation and depression; the worsening of my cycle of self-abuse and self-deprecation; and a really big one, the potential loss of my autonomy, freedoms, and rights. Just to name a few off the top of my head.

I think this was all the harder for me because of my experiences standing in the intersection of law and medicine in the strange space known as the "mental health system". Two things I value greatly are my rights and my freedom - this thing, being in this space now myself, not as a practitioner being paid to "do something" for, to, or about an individual because of their issues, because some desperate family member turned to my employer's firm for professional advice and it landed on my desk - this thing is horrible. And all the more so because, seeing it from the other end, I feel like I participated in taking away those things I value from all of those individuals. And believe me, I've been to the inpatient psychiatric ward and to dementia units and to special residential facilities for the mentally ill to meet with the subjects of these proceedings and their families or caregivers, and those memories make me feel all the more like I was complicit in doing something terrible to these people.

Here's the deal - they sit you down in their office (hopefully not in the locked, inpatient ward) and give you this comforting presentation about how a mental illness is a "real illness, just like diabetes" and how you shouldn't feel shame about it. And, if they just want to give you an extra kick in the teeth, they will throw something else at you - the idea that you need to build a "support system" around yourself of your family, friends, people in your life who can help you "deal" with this thing. It all sounds so nice on paper.

There is no parity between physical illness and mental illness. We don't have laws addressing the legal status of patients with coronary artery disease, amyotropic lateral schlerosis, non-Hodgkins lymphoma, type II diabetes or any other purely "physical" disorder or disease. We don't have special court proceedings to take away certain of their rights, even if only short-term, such as the right to contract, to make decisions about their care and upkeep, to make medical decisions for themselves. We certainly don't treat them against their will - when is the last time anyone witnessed a patient newly diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer hauled before a probate judge and ordered to undergo chemotherapy against his will? Or put in restraints in the back of a police car and taken to the ER against his will?

Of course there are times when it IS appropriate to compel treatment, or at least to ensure that someone who is mentally ill with the potential for violence doesn't harm other people through restrictions on freedom of movement. I'm much more divided about the concept of "harm to self" - I know that my life doesn't belong to State or Church or any other entity, it's mine. I want to call the shots, even if that means choosing the time and manner of my death, whether or not I'm "in my right mind" 100%.

So yeah, every day this is NOT fun. I still feel really awkward going into the office building where the psychologist's clinic is. I feel even MORE weird because that clinic is the ONLY tenant on that floor in a large, busy building, so of course, everyone in the elevator "knows" where I'm going and why - well, in my somewhat admittedly paranoid and hypersensitive mind. They probably don't care; I feel like I've got the scarlet letters across my chest - "Mentally Ill". Same as when I had to have prescriptions filled - for psychiatric drugs - I just "knew" that the pharmacists and technicians would be either shocked and afraid to wait on me or laughing at me - fortunately, I feel better about that, they didn't react any differently than when I have my asthma medicines refilled.

So, hey, sorry I'm "trolling".

I can say with all seriousness, at this point if I could somehow trade this diagnosis for any of a dozen of really horrible physical illness diagnoses, I would do it in a heart beat. Maybe that is somehow insensitive or "disturbed" or whatever, but I'd rather fight a war on one front, the medical health aspect of a disease, than a 2 front war where I'm also worried about what people, from my siblings to society at large, thinks about me ... because of an entire sequence of events that I didn't start and I never asked to happen to me.

So hey, again, sorry there. Maybe I should just go curl up and die in the gutter like a well-behaved little "mental patient".

Machka 

Just go ride your bicycle.

Seriously.

Cycling is whatever you want to make of it. You can ride recreationally, competitively, or whatever you want.

No need to overthink the whole thing ... just go ride your bicycle.



No. Believe me ... no you would not want to make that trade in a heart beat. Nope. Absolutely not. In fact, you'd better be careful what you wish for.

shelbyfv

I've refrained from posting but I have to say my Troll sniffer has been on high alert for awhile. I would be surprised if forums like this don't have protocols that are set off by certain "red flags." A response to someone thought to be legitimately unhinged might be to close the thread and alert appropriate authorities. Big companies like the owners of BF don't fool around with stuff like this. Same would likely be true of OP's employer. Just my thoughts, folks are free to ignore them.

VaBeachTennis

Excellent points! To each their own. I feel funny posting in a 50+ forum as a 25 year old (in my head) but I turned 50 last November and starting thinking like a 50 year old instead of a 25 year old with my training. I think that the most important thing is to keep riding and enjoying it, what ever mileage and speed one does.

Gerryattrick

Machka 

I don't know that Internet Brands really cares much what goes on in a minor acquisition like Bikeforums.

If the OP is losing it at work (there might have been some indication of that in an earlier thread?), hopefully someone there has contacted his Employment Assistance Association, and that they are talking to/working with him. My place of employment would have me sent home on "Stress Leave" if I behaved the way he is, with a plan set in place where I would be talking to professional help on a regular basis in an attempt to get me stable and back to work as soon as possible. Hopefully that is taking place in the OP's situation.

However, I do get the impression that the OP is unaware how public everything he is posting is. Does he know that anyone in the world can read what he posts? Including others he associates with in real life.

Machka 

shelbyfv

I'm sure you are right. I just thought they might have some liability avoiding CYA policy in case a melt down on BF carried over to real life, someone "goes postal" and causes mischief. I may be over thinking it

Machka 

If they do have some sort of policy, I would guess that the flags and triggers would have to be pretty significant and threatening.

70sSanO

I've taken this thread at face value. I don't see anything other than someone struggling to sort things out. IMO, potential positives outweigh any negatives. I kind of wonder why anyone who thinks otherwise would even post anything. This is a 50+ sub-forum after all. It's not like we are a bunch of kids.

John

jon c. 

I'm definitely a poser. I never press my hard enough to bonk.

qcpmsame 

He isn't trolling anyone or asking us for anything other than to listen and reply respectfully. Dave is well aware of the public aspect of posting here and he is quite serious in seeking only to vent his frustrations and hopefully have some thoughtful input in our replies.

Bill

Machka 

Just as we are not qualified to provide medical advice, we are also not qualified to provide psychological advice. We are just cyclists.

He needs to step away from the computer and get professional help.

indyfabz

Where did I write I was offended? You could not offend me if you tried.

Gidgmom

120 miles -- takes me six weeks to ride that far. Don't think I could do 120 miles if it was all downhill. So to me you are no poser when you get on the bike in the middle of the night to knock out more than a century. Or even ten miles.

I ride a grand total of four miles daily -- to work, Monday-Friday. Impresses the heck out of my colleagues and friends, mostly because they think it takes a daredevil to bike even a mile in downtown Washington, D.C. And I feel accomplished because its four miles a day more than I was doing. And I have not yet been run over (but was nearly right-hooked this morning).

So give yourself a break, because it sounds like you are knocking out more miles on your bikes than 95% of Americans could even imagine attempting to do, let alone be able to do. And as others have urged: ride for fun. Enjoy the journey, however long.


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OldTryGuy

x 2 or am I ???