Phil85207

Not on a bet!

miles.lowry

Doohickie, how's this going? Has he moved back yet? Are y'all ready to strangle him?

Doohickie

Okay. Yes. Yes (no, not really). He had an interview this morning at the FW UPS terminal. Hoping that works out.

miles.lowry

What does he normaly do (for work, not to make you want to strangle him)?

Doohickie

He hasn't discovered himself yet.

Spatchka

After my youngest moved back in, we both knew it was going to be for a short time.
He told me today he found a place and would be moving out at the end of the month.
Glad for him, but I must say, I have really enjoyed having him around and the talks we've had.
I will miss sitting outside with him and neither of us had a pressing place to be.
Not moving far, but it won't be the same around here...

k7baixo

Pretty cool. I grew up about 70 miles from there and was also stationed there in 1977 for about six months. I loved my time there although my circumstances and his will be completely different.


Maxwell was pretty unique - in addition to the base itself, it's also home to a Federal Prison Camp - minimum security of course. John Mitchell, Nixon's attorney general, reported there and I had to draw his blood when he processed in. Having prisoners also meant us poor enlisted people didn't have to cut grass or pull other similar duties -prisoners did it.


The guy assigned to the lab had Popeye-sized forearms. He was a "paperhanger" and a nice guy - thank goodness. He used to take two Montgomery phone books, place them on top of each other and then tear them in half.


I know Bill made you an offer and I'll add the same - I know a few people in the area and if he has any issues, feel free to reach out to me.


Back to the subject - my daughter has developmental issues - she's welcome in our home anytime. Hopefully, she'll finish her degree next year - it's almost one class at a semester at times but, she's not in jail, she doesn't do drugs and she has a good heart. We are blessed.

Doohickie

I've enjoyed having the boy back home too.

An update: He didn't find a job right away. His plan was to get a job to pay for pharmacy technician training. We finally offered to pay for the training. It took a couple months to take the training, three more for the state to send him his certification, then he got an internship at a Walgreen's two miles from our house in December. After a brief gap after the internship ended, they hired him in early January. He's been working ever since and is paying back the money he owes us. I expect sometime in the spring or summer he'll move out, but as long as he's working, I don't mind that he's at home. He works odd shifts (it's a 24-hour pharmacy), so our dogs aren't cooped up for too long too often.

zonatandem

Two of our three sons moved back 'temporarily.'
Both were gainfully employed and paid minimal 'board and room'.
Both eventually moved out. When the last one moved we gave him the bed in the spare bedroom . . .
Nobody wants to sleep on the floor do they?
All three sons are now all over age 50 and successful in their own way.
If and when you can give your children, or anyone else, a helping hand, it's a good thing.

BikeWNC

I know two men in my old neighborhood on LI that never left home. Each is in his 50s, have jobs but never moved out. I think there are serious issues involved there. My own daughter is only 12yo. Everyday I try to prepare her for her future. My plan is to not make her too comfortable in her teen years so she will want to move out. lol

jdon

I am not that far along yet. I have two college student daughters at home and one freeloading sponge fiance in the basement. He is actually a good kid. Just needs a break while shedding student loan debt. I am 100% in favor of helping them get established with as little debt as possible.

Doohickie

Yeah, that's the thing: My older son, whom we've been helping, dropped out after the first year of school. We managed to pay that off in full right away so at least there is no debt.

Roosterbird

"Some kids go too far away too soon and never live with or near their parents again."
I'm going to miss mine one day, thinking of them all grown up and out in the world. Its too quiet when thier both gone now and hopefully one day they'll realize how much i enjoyed thier friendship. Everyones situation is a little different and wish you all the best with your own.

Happy St. Patricks Day

maddmaxx 

My youngest stayed till he completed college plus a bit longer to get established at work. Then he bought a condo and moved out. Today he has my former job..

The oldest works overseas contracts. He's welcome to stay a short while if he's back in the country. He came back after a 5 year contract in Japan and stayed for almost a year before heading out again.

donheff

My son just announced that their third is on the way so he is thinking of moving to the burbs (better public schools all the way through HS). I like having them 5 minutes walking distance.

bruce19

My point of view is that I agree with everyone else and their individual point of view. Reminds me of a friend who was running for office and used the slogan "I agree with you."

flan48

[QUOTE=Doohickie;14167345]There is more to the story that I am not going into detail about here. But his situation is probably a little different than most.

I'm actually proud that he was able to support himself (barely) while he was up there; he never once asked for money.

I think his coming back is the right thing. I am a little nervous about the decision to put him up when he gets back; it may turn into a longer term thing than I intend. In his situation, though, alternatives are potentially pretty dire, so given the choice, I will choose being taken advantage of.

The thing is, most kids grow up, move out, move on and take care of themselves. For people with kids like that, more power to ya. However, there can be conditions beyond your control that keeps a kid out of that upward trajectory. It's a tough call, really, whether to offer help, and how much help to offer. I very well could be making a mistake. Offering no help at all may be a mistake. Maybe I made an unrecognized mistake 17 years ago which has influenced the current situation. It's hard, when faced with the undesired outcome, to figure out the best way forward.

My son's situation is not drugs, but let's say, shadoman, that your son moved out, then got into drugs. If you could see the downward spiral he was on, would you truly say, "Well, you shoulda been ready to go, 'cause there's no coming back"? Or, if you were in a position to assist, would you?

These are the kinds of questions I am trying to answer right now. When the kids work out, it's easy to say the hardass way was best. In the relationship with my son, the time I got all hardass on him only made the situation worse.


Hi Doohickie,
We had a situation where our son lived wth his girlfriend for a year, married her, bought (with our help) a house, had a baby and a year later was separated and back home "for a little while." That little while became 3 years and frankly was awful.
An adult child who had already been away for a few years is different than one who never left. And when we made suggestions or offered polite criticism once he was back, all hell broke loose! It was at the point where I wanted to give him 2 months to find his own place, and my wife was against doing that, that he met wife number 2 and moved in with her! What a relief that was!
I don't want to bore you with the next 10 years, but he ended up somewhat of a mess (basically had a breakdown) and we ended up bringing him home again. While that was no panacea by any means (), it got him on the road to recovery. For thew last five years he has been mentally healthy, very happy, and recently re-married with our second grandchild scheduled to arrive in September (when our son will be a month from 44, and our grandson 20). Our son went from being the Chief Nuclear Medicine Technologist at a very prestigious hospital to being a car salesman, and is happier than a pig in s..t. And we are thrilled with how his life has turned out.
So, today we are still extremely close with him, take vacations with him/them, and life is good. The point is we have to love them, provide guidance, mainly when asked (!), and hope they end up happy and healthy. All else is BS.

Best regards

here2day

This is a really interesting thread covering an issue I'm conflicted about.

On the one hand I left home early, made my way in life and never looked back. I married, raised a family and had a reasonable career. The downside was my life was on the west coast and my parents on the east coast. My siblings, on the other hand, struggled to get traction as adults. Both were in and out of my parents house multiple times. My mother was an enabler, my father wanted tough love. It ruined their marriage. Neither sibling, a brother and sister, had a great life. My brother died of alcoholism in his 30's and sister died of an what was called an accidental overdose in her early 40's. Not an experience you'd want as a parent. Did my mom's enabling contribute? Would my dad's desired tough love early in their lives have been better? No way to know now but it definitely influences the way I think about parenting.

I have two daughters, one in college and the other on her way this fall. Both are excellent students in rigorous academic environments. My wife and I have done as much as we can to ensure they get the best education possible. We are considering selling our family home in the burbs this summer and downsizing to more of a resort area. We're conflicted about it and have the obvious concerns about the girls finding gainful employment after they graduate. If they were to come "home" to the new area their employment options would be limited. Would it be better for them if we stayed here? I'm inclined to make the move as it will be a better lifestyle and financial situation for my wife and I. That said it's a risk.

So this is a topic that has my attention. I think it's unfortunate that the "norm" for many is what's been called a nuclear family where the kids pursue a successful career at the cost of being geographically close to their family. For good or bad that's what I did. But I also watched my siblings fail in a way that didn't make sense and believe the safety net of "home" may have contributed. This parenting stuff is serious s**t at times.

Monoborracho

Wow!! Looks like P&R suddenly.

BikeWNC

Wow, good points made. I also worry about our daughter's future. I guess every parent does. The fact that my wife and I are older, in our mid 50s while she is just 12 complicates matters. Will we be here if she needed us later in life? What if she marries a jerk and has to start over? I look at career paths that would provide the most security for her, while she wants to save the dolphins. I can't choose her way, she has to find it. I want her to be happy, but I also want her to be secure. At some point we as parents do have to live our lives too. It's a fine line. I feel for every parent that worries about their child's welfare, especially after a time it was hoped that they would have found their place. I really feel there are no right answers. There are too many variables that can affect any situation. We do the best we can and our children have to take it from there.

Doohickie

One thing I've had to learn is this: Our kids are not us. There are personality parallels- my older son is similar in temperament to me; my younger son is more like my wife. As a result, I have more friction with the older son, my wife and younger son sometimes get testy with each other. I get along better with my younger son and my wife gets on well with the older son. (Basically, opposites attract.)

So when my older son went away to college (like I did) I figured he could handle it (like I did) because he got straight A's in high school (like I did). If I'd gotten poor grades I would have expected to get chewed out. So that's what I did when my older son faltered. But... he isn't me. Although he and I are a lot alike, he has his mom's propensity for anxiety and even panic attacks. So when I gave him the tough love it started an avalanche of self-doubt and depression for him. It took him literally years to get over it and he's still not all the way yet. But for him, tough love turned out to be the absolute worst thing I could have given him.

Until it unfolded, though, there really wasn't any way to know. You act on your own experiences and up to when my son dropped out of college, he'd never failed at anything. I didn't know how he would react to tough love, or whether unconditional support would have been better for him. Funny thing about parenting- you get new things thrown at you. If you treat your kids like you at that age, you might think it's the right thing, but it's exactly the wrong thing.

shadoman

Amen, Brother. I learned that the hard way, too.

Gerryattrick

My son Tom is 31 and was dealt a really sh**ty hand in his first year at University aged 19. It started with some eyesight problems which were eventually found to be caused by brain tumours near the crossover of the optic nerves and the pineal gland. Radiotherapy got rid of the tumours but he has been left partially sighted and needing daily hormone injections and cortisone tablets.


Despite this he returned to university after missing a year, got his degree and found employment. Been made redundant a couple of times but persevered and got new jobs. He left home about 6 years ago to live in a house-share with friends in a more lively part of town, where the public transport was better (he can't drive or cycle anymore due to his eyesight).



Last October the landlord sold the house so Tom decided it was time he looked for a place of his own and looked for an apartment to buy. We said that to help him save some money why not move back in with us until he found an apartment.


He did this and we've loved every minute of having him around. He fills the house when he's here.


This week we've been helping him decorate his new apartment and he'll be moving out again in a couple of days. While we know it's good for him we'll both be sad to say so long again but happy to see him move forward.

eja_ bottecchia

Very true Retro. One of my daughters moved back home, with her four rabbits. Actually I kind like having her around. She is a good person.

"Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans." -- After nearly 36 years of marriage my wife and I are getting divorced. I plan to buy her out of the house (I like my house). It will be nice having some company. My daughter and her rabbits will be a nice distraction.

This is not what I had planned for this stage of my life, but I am playing the cards that I have been dealt.

Rick@OCRR

[QUOTE=eja_ bottecchia;15406749
This is not what I had planned for this stage of my life, but I am playing the cards that I have been dealt.[/QUOTE]

Very true eja_bottecchia, Re: Playing the Cards: My wife divorced me after 24 years and in retrospect it was a wonderful gift (though it didn't seem like it at the time, for sure).

I was able to move out of St. Louis and into Southern CA, had fun dating several wonderful women, finally found the perfect one for me (yes, she is a cyclist!) and am now living happily ever after.

Re: Kids, They are out on their own and doing fine (one is a dentist in Kansas City, the other works for U.S. Government Intelligence in Wash. DC) but unfortunately, and even though I tried to bring them up right, neither is a cyclist.

Rick / OCRR