Gnarboots

Crashes don't count 'cause they're their own category, plus they're almost always gnarly. Beyond wrecks, let's hear of the craziest s**t that's befallen you while riding...

I was delivering some envelopes through Midtown Manhattan a few years ago. It was UN Week, so there were various roadblocks and motorcades all throughout the city. I was in the zone, pedaling hard up Park Ave., when I heard someone yelling in my direction. No big deal, it's NYC, everyone's always yelling, right? I keep pedaling and hear, much more loud and clear, "You! On the bike! Stop and get the f**k on the sidewalk now! NOW!". I look closely at the motorcade I'd dropped behind a block ago, and see some kinda Secret Service agent in the open back of a jet black SUV, pointing a large assault rifle at me. I could see the lazer sight flick across the lens of my glasses. Needless to say, I stopped and got the f**k on the sidewalk. I wonder if they were warned about all those suicide bombers posing as bike messengers?

My friend Tony has a big dent in the toptube of his Gunnar MTB, where he fended off an angry moose attack while mountain biking in Idaho. Arrrrgh!

It's not exactly riding, per se, but my brother bought a Chrome mess bag at the Mission Flea Market a few years ago, and a few weeks later found the secret pocket, along with the previous owners six or so needles, a blackened spoon, and baggies of dope. Score!

I think those all qualify as "gnarly". Let's hear some more!

jeac

one time i was riding my bike home late at night

and there was a group a thug dudes chillin up ahead

and as i passed them the one walked out in the street towards and punched me in my jaw as i rode past

i did not fall off and rode on uneffected.

tough as sh*t dude right here

evanyc

related to a crash but a bit more... this is what i wrote shortly after it happened:

this is a bit wordy but i tried to keep it as brief as possible...

anyway, michele and i finished up moving to brooklyn on sunday, carroll gardens, so everyone should come hang out! we love the neighborhood so far but are living out of boxes and life will be kinda chaotic until we're more settled, which will no probably take a bit longer because...

tuesday night we decided to go on a short bike ride, just to get some food and maybe down the street to check out a new receiver for our stereo and pick up a shower head. it being a short ride, michele didn't feel like wearing a helmet and i didn't feel like carrying my bag but was insistent on the helmet and she went along with it. we kept it light, leaving cell phones behind and i put her ID in my wallet "in case she gets hit and killed so they can ID her" she said. just us, our bikes, and our fifteen pound new york chains and locks. when it gets dark michele realizes she doesn't have her bike lights, so i give her mine.

after dinner we head up to atlantic, the hectic 4 or 6 lane avenue leading down to Target, and make our way over there. Traffic was pretty heavy but nothing to intense. we pull up to target and lock our bikes up next to a fixie locked with only a u-lock through the front wheel (i always have a desire to teach cocky folks like this a lesson, but i'm too kind a person)! after doing some browsing we split and are headed back home. traffic is lighter so cars are flying and i contemplate hitting a side street but keep on atlantic - there's a good bit of bike traffic so drivers should be pretty aware. i'm leading with michele following about 5-10 behind me. as i go to cross bond a livery cab tries to turn left. i shout "YO!" and he stops about 4 feet short. i glare at the guy and keep going, and when i'm about ten feet past i hear michele shout/scream, the sound of metal on metal, and bystanders start to yell. my heart drops and immediately i spin around, simultaneously, i think, trying to jump off my bike while still strapped in. not sure exactly what i did, but it resulted in my stumbling a falling. i jumped back up, picked up my bike and contemplated throwing it at the cab. better sense prevailed though, and i ran up to see michele sitting upright but looking dazed.

i ran over to the cab and yelled "you almost hit me and then you hit my f*****g girlfriend! pull the f*** over!" the guy is acting like he doesn't know what i am talking about, but a large bystander is blocking his car, so he pulls over. as soon as the bystander and i turn to see if michele's ok the guy takes off up bond st. i run after him for a bit, then realize the futility in that, but i manage to get his license plate ... i keep repeating it to myself, figuring that if he gets away at least we can try to track him down, but then a dodge neon with two 50-something folks pulls up and they wave for me to get in. i jump in and we take off after the guy, them not speaking a lick of english and me steadily repeating the license plate ... he's turned right and as soon as we make the turn we see him make another right about 5 blocks up, back towards atlantic. when we make the turn we see i'm sitting at the red light, about four cars back. we pull up and i jump out of the car and run toward his cab. the light turns green and the cars in front of him begin to pull off. i grab the door handle and pull it open and as soon as i do he looks back, sees me, and begins to drive. i manage to get one foot in the car and hang on to the door then pull myself in. i slam the door and start yelling at him to pull over - not sure what i'll do if he refuses, or pulls out a weapon - to which he keeps replying "no me! no me!" he drives another block and i wonder if he's going to pull over or just take off with me in the car. i contemplate beating the crap out of him from the back seat, or taking off my bike chain and strangling him. if i've ever been sure i could do it, it was then. after a couple of blocks he pulls over and the neon pulls in front of him. there's a huge flat-bed semi in the right lane and i flag him down and ask him to pull over and block the guy in and he does.

i use the latino couples cell and call 911, and while we wait for them to show up a group of hipsters on fixies, one rockin' a faux-hawk, ride by and i try to call them over to ask them to tell michele that i got the guy and help is on the way since we both decided to leave out cells at home for the ride, but they just stare at me and roll on. The EMS gets down there and i send em down to michele. i'm freaked cause i have no idea how she's doing, but i'm not leaving this guy. the truck pulled off when the fire department got there so i take off my NY chain ready to smash whatever i have to to keep him there. he tries to give me his info and leave but i'm not moving. finally the cops show up, run his info, and find out he has an suspended license. by this time there are or 6 cops there, arguing with each other about who has to deal with processing and paperwork for this guy. they ended up cuffing him, bringing him in, and taking his car. a cop gives me a ride back to michele, who is sitting in the ambulance but is doing well. her knee is bruised and swollen, her finger is stripped of skin where her ring was pulled off, her hip is scraped and bruised from falling on her chain, and her glasses are broken in half. about this time i realized that my arm was killing me. i'm not sure what exactly happened but i can only bend my elbow from about a 75 degree angle to a 160 degree angle, i can't turn my palm facing up, and my wrist is killing me. ironic that she got hit by the car and i'm the more crippled of the two of us. (update: my orthopedist uncle says i have a radial head/neck fracture and i'm going to get x-rayed on monday). Michele's pretty shaken up but taking it like a trooper. the assistant DA Wed mornings morning and talked to michele and they were about to arraign.

rokphotography

i was riding down emarcadero when i see 5 people on 1 bmw bike. 1 on each peg (2 front 2 rear) and the person peddlin of course.. funniest thing to date.. just cruising lolers

Natron

Holy crap.

rokphotography

man evanyc what a trooper!! way to stick up for your girl let along bikers that get hit.. the latino couple was nice to chase the cab for you

TheBrick

You win. Man that is scary. Glad it turned well so to speak. (i.e no nasty fight e.t.c)

monsterkidz

evanyc, you are officially my hero! Hope everything works out for you and your woman.

jeac

my story isn't gnarly really, i just find it stupid and goofy

evanyc

haha yeah, that happened a while ago. aug '05. everything turned out fine basically, but the driver and his company ended up not having any insurance and giving us and the cops totally fake/outdated info. luckily there was no serious damage and michele and i both had insurance to cover doctors visits. not sure what happened in court. after a buncha MRIs and x-rays i was told i had a bruised scaphoid and had to stay off the bike for a month. michele and i both healed up fine but the main bummer is after that she's never really felt comfortable riding in the city since then and hardly ever rides

oh, and the old latino couple were ****ing amazing! along with the countless people who helped michele out in my absence, buying her orange juice and water, watching our bikes, and offering to let us leave the bikes in their apartment and pay for a cab for us to get home. it was really inspiring to see folks come together to help us out.

Hocam

I was putting the little nuts on my presta valves and I realized their outer texture had a specific name.

rokphotography

what's the name? i want to know lolol

Shiznaz

gnurly....

One time I was riding my bike along the avenue and I found Jesus... totally gnarly. I'd been looking for the dude forever. Oh I have some good news for all of you too. Have you heard it?

BoozyMcliverRot

gnurled?

rokphotography

egh cool.. i want to stumble upon el Moolah and save him

Hocam

Did he smell funny and have a bunch of scared looking kids with him? That always freaks me out a little.


Hopefully the good news is those kids are ok..

babychris

evannyc, that is the craziest story ive read in awhile. wow. glad you got that guy.

Roche

Was hauling ass down a hillside dirt fire road on my mountain bike in Hacienda Heights, CA.

Came around a corner and spotted a big f***ing rattlesnake spread out across the trail. I had 4 choices:
1. Hit the brakes and likely come to a stop right on top of the snake.
2. Turn left and run into a dirt wall. Gnarly crash.
3. Turn right and fly off a cliff.
4. Speed up and bunny-hop the snake.

I chose #4. Right as I was about to catch air, the snake curled up real quick and started rattling like a mofo. I cleared the snake with no problem. I'm not sure if he tried to bite me. If he did, he missed.

I hit the brakes, skidded to a stop, and just stood there for a few minutes gathering my breath and admiring Mother Nature.

Shiznaz

You may have caught a snakebite flat...









HAW HAW HAW!

delicious

Late, late one night in Gainesville, two of my friends and I went out for a bike ride around campus. I'm riding an 80's Trek road bike that I never shifted, ever. We are goofing around and ****, and I decide it would be funny to ride in a really low gear, so I shove my little friction shifter all the way down, sending the un-adjusted rear derailler directly into my rear spokes and locking up the entire wheel. I'm glad I knew how to skid, because I somehow avoided crashing horribly, but my rear dropout was ripped off entirely at the derailler hanger.

queerpunk

roche, thanks for reminding me. when i was a teenager i was not superhardcorefixedgrrrrr like i am now. i was riding a janky mtb on some gentle trails out in new jersey with my brother and a friend. turned a corner in the woods, and stood there facing a big ass black bear.

black bears rarely attack humans. here's the thing. sometimes, they do. so i was uncomfortable. as were my brother and friend, stopped thirty feet behind me, unsure of what to do.

we further unsure of what to do when an even larger black bear ambled across the path behind them, putting us between two very large mammals which are generally known for being large, having claws, big teeth, being strong, being large, and other similar things.

this caused us to want very badly to be elsewhere. the bears just gave us a look, like, "what is this metal horse they straddle?" and ambled on, but to hear us tell the story later on, of course, we were on the verge of a painful death - hiding the fact that we were actually on the verge of plentiful tears.

mander

Nothing says America **** Yeah! like getting huge air over a rattlesnake. You rule whether this story is made up or not. .

Natron

I think I saw a band named "On the Verge of Plentiful Tears" is playing here next week, actually... hmm...

nahhh.... but that does sound like an experimental indie post-rock avant-garde Brit pop trio or something, no?

sweetbike

you guys are so Gnarly Dudes!!! surfs up dudes!

delicious

The street I live on here in Sarasota is kind of rough. It’s a short cul-de-sac that butts up against a park. Not so much a park as a piece of city land that gets a lot of foot traffic from the more troubling kind of homeless people. Zombies walk through the street day in and out. Yesterday a rich old guy picked up a prostitute that couldn’t have been much older than 14 right in front of me. A few months ago a CAR crashed through our neighbor’s living room, apparently to get at the sweet, delicious crack that was stashed inside.

Anyway.

The park that seems to draw all this hootenanny is also a really nice shortcut to the local college, which my friend and I hang out at fairly often. So, on one of our first nights in the house, we decide to take it on our way to a party at the college. A party we were throwing, actually. The way there was fine. We were feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

After the party, my friend and I are heading home with another friend in tow. We have our blinkies on, but friend 3 doesn’t, and is trailing behind us. As we enter the park, it’s obvious that it’s a little darker than when we came through it before. There are no lights on the path, and it’s surrounded by dense forest on either side.

“Collin, this is kind of crazy.” Half-scared, half-excited.

“Dude. No it’s not.” He retorts.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s fun!” I replied happily. An adventure!

Seconds later, my boyish excitement is replaced by pain. Something bit my arm, or something!

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK

“MotherF*CKERS get the F*CK outta this PARK!”

CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK

“I’M GOING TO ******** KILL YALL!”

Shortly after the second battle cry, Collin and I are both in some sort of primal flight-mode, covering our eyes and riding out of that mother****ing park as fast as we can. We can hear a group running towards us through the brush. We’re being hit with some sort of painful projectiles the entire way. Not to be outdone, we let out some battle cries of our own:

“WHAT THE F*CK?? WHAT IS THE F*CK WRONG WITH YOU??? ...F*CK!!”

When we get out of the path, and into a clearing, we turn around to look for our other friend, Matt. He’s not out yet, and we can’t hear him. After yelling for him for 20 seconds and planning a counter-attack, Matt rides slowly out of the forest. Apparently they never saw Matt until after they had scared us and were walking back to their houses or whatever.

“We were just playin!” They told him.

“Oh. Ha…ha…” Matt replied.

Then they shot him a few times. It turns out they were using Airsoft guns, and were a bunch of teenagers, and probably weren’t really trying to rob us. But still, pretty gnar, right?