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A lost Art: How to **** in the woods

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A lost Art: How to **** in the woods

Old 12-03-18, 10:53 AM
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halfmile
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A lost Art: How to **** in the woods

Funny, yet sad that the art of doing one's business on a trail away from toilets etc. has been lost and seems taboo to even talk about....Back in the good old USMC, I hope they still teach the two square's method.....C rations only came with 4 squares.....The book entitled "HOW TO **** in the Woods" should be read by anyone, espically women, who venture out on a long distance bike tour. BTW: The books author is a woman and has tons of great advice and some really great humor....LOL....a great book to have on a coffee table...Some great conversations have begun with that book...it is available on Amazon...3rd edition

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Old 12-03-18, 02:59 PM
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My late wife gave me that book years ago. I agree it's a hoot and actually has good advice. Andy
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Old 12-03-18, 03:33 PM
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You should enjoy this one as well. I sold lots of these and HTSITWoods as well. Many people purchased both. Stocking stuffers!!

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Old 12-03-18, 04:37 PM
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a lost art, I dunno, in a family that did canoe trips and whatnot, what I was taught was pretty simple and straightforward, common sense really.
but obviously, as one sees at any spot where people stop their cars or near hiking trails, a lot of people dont have much common sense or give a hoot.
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Old 12-04-18, 08:33 AM
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The things that pass for art these days blows my mind.
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Old 12-04-18, 08:52 AM
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After riding DAMn (Day Across Minnesota: 240-mile one-day gravel race), I was talking with my brother (Scoutmaster & father of Eagle Scout). We both had some good laughs talking about the "unmentionable" .... Morning **** in the fields next to the road, and trying to manage your bibs, et al so nothing gets 'in the way'. Oh the memories!

On DAMn, it was also good fun giving **** to our crew when somebody needed a stop, we could shout all kinds of helpful stuff from the road.

The best lesson learned: bring your TP in a zip-lock and have hand-wipes to clean hands before grabbing the next Clif bar.

edit/afterthought: Lisa drove support for three of us during DAMn, she had great stories from the checkpoints when people driving support asked where the port-a-pot was ... they were directed to one of the corn field surrounding the checkpoint (AKA two gravel roads intersecting in the middle of nowhere)

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Old 12-04-18, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by indyfabz View Post
The things that pass for art these days blows my mind.
totally true story---and rather on topic too

When I was doing my fine arts degree, a woman in our program did an "installation" where she sealed off a room with plastic all over the walls, put up photos of I think poverty stricken people, but beside the photos on the plastic sheeted walls she had smeared human feces everywhere.
Now I get the concept, of how a lot of the worlds population live in deplorable living and sanitation conditions and some live in close quarters to conditions like this....but what i remember is just how the whole photo dept area just stunk like crap for days.

looking back at this, 30 + years ago, the idea was an audacious one, and I do remember it well and its impact. As another lucky "first world person", I could see how a regular joe blow was just confused by it, but at least I had travelled and lived in places where there was a real poverty, so I could relate to her "shock" technique to us lucky first worlders.......but yes, as someone who was in a "fine arts" environment, there is and always has been wacky stuff that isnt particularly accessible to the average person.
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Old 12-04-18, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Hypno Toad View Post
The best lesson learned: bring your TP in a zip-lock and have hand-wipes to clean hands before grabbing the next Clif bar.
Yes. Please do.

I had to use the woods twice during a two-week tour last year. (I tour in bibs so I like full-zip jerseys.) The first time was on the first day. Forgot to pack TP so I had to sacrifice a perfectly good bandana. Later stocked up at a highway rest stop.
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Old 12-04-18, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by indyfabz View Post
Yes. Please do.

I had to use the woods twice during a two-week tour last year. (I tour in bibs so I like full-zip jerseys.) The first time was on the first day. Forgot to pack TP so I had to sacrifice a perfectly good bandana. Later stocked up at a highway rest stop.
One of the guys in my crew ran out of TP. Luckily(?) some kids must have had fun letting TP unwind as they drove down the road - he had to find the 'nicest' and largest samples of the kids shenanigans to clean up his business. Found TP .... less than ideal!

I was in the "not a square to spare" camp ... I had a small amount left and didn't want to leave myself without.

Footnote: The DAMn route went through ONE town in 240 miles, and three assigned checkpoints. No help is allowed outside the checkpoints, you were truly on your own out there.

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Old 12-04-18, 04:06 PM
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The zip-lock baggie is a good idea, I usually just fold up a plastic bag, from groceries. 🙂
And if it hasn't been said, MIND THE WIND!!! 🙄 🤨😁
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Old 12-04-18, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Hypno Toad View Post
Found TP .... less than ideal!
I suppose it depends on whether it is new or used.

My parents tell of a time when we ran out of TP on a camping trip, only to find a roll by the trail just in time. Of course, someone else might have found themselves a bit short.
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Old 12-05-18, 09:28 AM
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I have radiation damage of my exit parts and am an expert at emergency roadside evacuations. Because I live in the corn belt, I get by easily in the summer but winter takes more ingenuity.

Having said that, I carry TP and hand sanitizer.
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Old 12-05-18, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Hypno Toad View Post
The best lesson learned: bring your TP in a zip-lock and have hand-wipes to clean hands before grabbing the next Clif bar.
Yup, useful even for short, but very early rides, when the body hasn't quite woken up yet.
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Old 12-05-18, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Homebrew01 View Post
Yup, useful even for short, but very early rides, when the body hasn't quite woken up yet.
Good point!
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Old 12-05-18, 02:57 PM
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I remember when that book first came out. I was managing an outdoor store in the late 80s/early 90s and we got that in for our book section. Could not keep it in stock, especially around Christmastime! Seems people loved to give it as a gift.

I see it's not in it's "third edition." Not sure how much has changed with regard to the activity in question that it has needed updates. Hmmm....

https://www.amazon.com/How-****-Wood.../dp/1580083633
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Old 12-05-18, 08:44 PM
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Yep. I got it as a Christmas present from my sister and brother in law back then.
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Old 12-06-18, 07:42 AM
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I'm into carrying folded sheets of paper towel. Its less-finicky than TP, and ounce for ounce you get just as many wipes. A dash or two of Dr. Bronner's and some water, and you've got yourself a wet-nap. One nice thing that I like about paper towel over TP when out in the woods, is that there's less chance of a "startling breakthrough" if you catch my drift.
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Old 12-06-18, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by halfmile View Post
Funny, yet sad that the art of doing one's business on a trail away from toilets etc. has been lost and seems taboo to even talk about....Back in the good old USMC, I hope they still teach the two square's method.....C rations only came with 4 squares.....The book entitled "HOW TO **** in the Woods" should be read by anyone, espically women, who venture out on a long distance bike tour. BTW: The books author is a woman and has tons of great advice and some really great humor....LOL....a great book to have on a coffee table...Some great conversations have begun with that book...it is available on Amazon...3rd edition

​​​​​​
Took me way too long to figure out which four letter word the asterisks represented. Quite disappointing to have arrived at the correct conclusion.
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Old 12-06-18, 08:22 AM
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I stand corrected...the book has been revised only once...therefore 2nd printing....
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Old 12-06-18, 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted by djb View Post
totally true story---and rather on topic too

When I was doing my fine arts degree, a woman in our program did an "installation" where she sealed off a room with plastic all over the walls, put up photos of I think poverty stricken people, but beside the photos on the plastic sheeted walls she had smeared human feces everywhere.
Now I get the concept, of how a lot of the worlds population live in deplorable living and sanitation conditions and some live in close quarters to conditions like this....but what i remember is just how the whole photo dept area just stunk like crap for days.

looking back at this, 30 + years ago, the idea was an audacious one, and I do remember it well and its impact. As another lucky "first world person", I could see how a regular joe blow was just confused by it, but at least I had travelled and lived in places where there was a real poverty, so I could relate to her "shock" technique to us lucky first worlders.......but yes, as someone who was in a "fine arts" environment, there is and always has been wacky stuff that isnt particularly accessible to the average person.
I think average person can "access" that many folks live with bad sanitation. The "artist" used the crudest method to convey a fairly simple point. But shock value is necessary for current debased art market.

Long-time gross-out king John Waters has a retrospective exhibition in Baltimore Museum of Art, $15 ticket.
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Old 12-07-18, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by DropBarFan View Post
I think average person can "access" that many folks live with bad sanitation. The "artist" used the crudest method to convey a fairly simple point. But shock value is necessary for current debased art market.

Long-time gross-out king John Waters has a retrospective exhibition in Baltimore Museum of Art, $15 ticket.
Oh, I figure "shock" has always been part of the art world, I didnt study art history, but think of all the 20th century stuff, Picasso, Dali, etc etc of folks doing stuff that was purposely wacky and diff than the norm....but hey, what do I know.

as for John Waters, Im a total film guy, have been all my life, but Ive never seen any of those films he did with the large lady, but do know of the "eating stuff" reputation of that one film. Never had the opportunity to see them back in the day.
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Old 12-07-18, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by djb View Post
as for John Waters, Im a total film guy, have been all my life, but Ive never seen any of those films he did with the large lady, but do know of the "eating stuff" reputation of that one film. Never had the opportunity to see them back in the day.
There is much greater depth to Waters than his popular image might suggest. A brilliant if quirky director, he has a fascinating view of many segments of humanity. A very thoughtful and sensitive guy in interviews. I'm not really a huge fan of his films, but I have great respect for them from an artistic standpoint.
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Old 12-07-18, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by jon c. View Post
There is much greater depth to Waters than his popular image might suggest. A brilliant if quirky director, he has a fascinating view of many segments of humanity. A very thoughtful and sensitive guy in interviews. I'm not really a huge fan of his films, but I have great respect for them from an artistic standpoint.

i still have a box of "odorama" cards from polyester, somewhere in the attic. gotta be worth something now....
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Old 12-08-18, 07:59 AM
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Better to be prepared than to be unhappy...TP travel pack and mini hand wipes in this extremely poor and upside down photo. Cheers!
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Old 12-08-18, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by NoControl View Post
I'm into carrying folded sheets of paper towel. Its less-finicky than TP, and ounce for ounce you get just as many wipes. A dash or two of Dr. Bronner's and some water, and you've got yourself a wet-nap. One nice thing that I like about paper towel over TP when out in the woods, is that there's less chance of a "startling breakthrough" if you catch my drift.
To say nothing of the startle you'll get using peppermint Dr. B's.
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