Fiancee doesn't like it when I bike to work
#51
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Just email her a link to this thread. Something will change. I can't know if it will be for the better or for the worse....
#52
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Caveat: I don't really know either of you, I'm just going from your posting, so if I'm way the heck off base, bear in mind that I'm working from limited information, and take this advice for what it's worth. If it rings true for you, great. If it's so wrong that it clarifies the issue for you, that's still great.
My advice is: Get out of that relationship before it's too late. Either leave, or change the nature of the relationship. Let her call off the wedding and walk away, or if you really want to make a go of it, get some premarital counseling together to see what the issue really is.
My first thought is that if she's throwing ultimata like that she isn't concerned for your safety, she's concerned for hers. (Either "What happens to me if something happens to you?" or the more base "Can I get my way?")
I just celebrated 25 years of marriage to my best friend. We had a similar issue, but notice the differences. I raced motorcycles. She asked me to stop. No ultimatums, and she said she'd marry me either way. She acknolwedged that it was an irrational fear on her part, but said she'd feel better if I stopped. I agreed to stop. I miss it sometimes, but this relationship has been worth it.
She still worries about my commuting to work and general riding, but she only asks that I call her when I get there, or if I'm running late. (Heck, that's just common courtesy, anyway.) She doesn't blow up if for some reason I don't. She has started riding herself, and takes instruction well. She has gone riding with me when she has frankly admitted that she's scared (steep descents) but she trusts me to help her be safe and sticks with it. She chooses to, in part, because she knows I enjoy it and wants to share that with me. The same way I learned to love to cook.
We're both here 25 years later because we want to be, and decided that the work involved (and it is work) is worth the effort. Love isn't an emotion, it's a daily decision to choose the other person's well being over your own. It works when you're both making that daily decision.
It doesn't look to me like you guys are making those decisions yet.
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You've got to think carefully about this. Your bride-to-be seems to think that you are her property (even before you're married).
#54
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Just wanted to say thanks everybody for the varied opinions and advice.
I've always known this to be the case, and talking with her some more she apologized for going that far. And it wasn't some climactic fight or bitter swearing contest, either. At the time she said it, it seemed mostly like a joke, but that she wanted to make it clear that this is an important matter to her.
She still doesn't like the idea of me biking to work, but I've been talking with her more and more about it. Truth is, I wouldn't bike every day; more like 2-3 days a week. She's fine with me riding around town where there are lots of redundant routes but the busy arterials really do bother her.
The suggestion of taking her on a bike tour of my route is a good one. I think I'll do that.
I agree that at least part of her concern is the "What happens to me if something happens to you?". And, why shouldn't it be? She is placing a lot of her future companionship / security / stability / happiness on the line by marrying me, and in her mind, I'm doing something reckless and needlessly putting that in jeopardy.
Telling her to "go suck an egg; i'ma do what I wanna do" is not an option. A big part of being in a relationship is seeing & understanding things from your partner's point of view (Something I haven't quite gotten her to do yet when it comes to cycling... )
Hopefully so.. I wonder how I can set up a situation where she'll see me out riding? Should I make it obvious or should it be coincidental?
That's exactly it. In her mind, every time I pedal out onto those roads, it's like me playing Russian Roulette. I was hoping for advice as to how to convince her that's not the case, rather than such *ahem* helpful, constructive relationship advice...
I've always known this to be the case, and talking with her some more she apologized for going that far. And it wasn't some climactic fight or bitter swearing contest, either. At the time she said it, it seemed mostly like a joke, but that she wanted to make it clear that this is an important matter to her.
She still doesn't like the idea of me biking to work, but I've been talking with her more and more about it. Truth is, I wouldn't bike every day; more like 2-3 days a week. She's fine with me riding around town where there are lots of redundant routes but the busy arterials really do bother her.
Originally Posted by moxfyre
orulz, I agree with those who suggest that you take your fiancée on a bike or car tour of your commuting route. Maybe you can stop and explain some of the things you watch out for at tricky spots along the way, and express to her your awareness and avoidance of dangers.
Originally Posted by Kotts
...she isn't concerned for your safety, she's concerned for hers. (Either "What happens to me if something happens to you?" or the more base "Can I get my way?")
Telling her to "go suck an egg; i'ma do what I wanna do" is not an option. A big part of being in a relationship is seeing & understanding things from your partner's point of view (Something I haven't quite gotten her to do yet when it comes to cycling... )
Originally Posted by CliftonGK1
My finacee isn't keen on hearing about some of the roads I take for my various routes home because she knows that they don't have shoulders/bike lanes (and I have "perfectly good options like the bike path"), and she has made the request that I don't ride the sketchy roads too often. That sort of request quieted down after she caught up to me at a stoplight last week during evening rush on a busy 3 lane (each way) road where I was making a left, and she saw how well I can handle picking my way through traffic.
Let her see you ride, and I'm guessing that she'll change her thinking.
Let her see you ride, and I'm guessing that she'll change her thinking.
Originally Posted by moxfyre
Perhaps, in orulz's fiancee's mind, bike commuting is self-destructive, because she thinks it's so dangerous. I guess I am hopeful that he will be able to convince her otherwise!
Last edited by orulz; 08-24-07 at 08:23 AM.
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Do not marry her! There are so many more dangerous things you could be doing... Try to put it in perspective-- ask her if she wants to be married to a fat sedentary bitter man who just sits in his SUV in traffic hating his life!
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i havent read past the OP, but i cannot fathom how anyone could marry someone who put this ultimatum to them. run away. thats a pretty portentous start to a marriage.
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The problem isn't me - it's my fiancee. She doesn't like it when I bike to work because she's worried I'll get hit and seriously injured or killed. I try to convince her the danger (while it does exist) really isn't that extreme, and that when you follow the rules, motorist-cyclist accidents are extremely rare, but I can't seem to get across to her, and she's even gone so far as to say she would call off the wedding if I don't agree to never ride my bike to work again.
I simply cannot imagine finding myself in such a situation. At the first sign that I was involved with a person who would make demands of me like this, I would have walked away - quickly. I guess I'm just lucky to have found someone who was happy with who I am and has never felt the need to try to change me.
This really isn't about the bicycle - it's about control. What if you decide next year that you want to buy a motorcycle, or take up whitewater kayaking, or rock climbing, or anything other than sitting on the freakin couch? If you concede this, you will automatically be in a situation where you will have to ask permission to start a new activity, and she will be able to pull the plug on it whenever she chooses.
I wouldn't even argue the bike safety issues. Either you're free to do what you want, or you're not.
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hey, I'm not going to take any shots at you or your bride to be. Only the two of you can figure this out. However, while marriage is all about compromise, there are some areas where compromise just doesn't work.
Good luck, and let the group know how it all shakes out!
... Brad
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i showed my wife my bike computer max speed of 60.2mph last weekend.
she wasnt happy.
she wasnt happy.
#61
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I've been married a long time, long enough to see more than half my friends get divorced.
Trust me, this is a bad bad sign for many reasons already pointed out by other posts.
She should see you on your bike one last time.... riding away from her forever!
Sorry dude, you asked for advice and that's my best.
Trust me, this is a bad bad sign for many reasons already pointed out by other posts.
She should see you on your bike one last time.... riding away from her forever!
Sorry dude, you asked for advice and that's my best.
#62
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My advice is: Get out of that relationship before it's too late. Either leave, or change the nature of the relationship. Let her call off the wedding and walk away, or if you really want to make a go of it, get some premarital counseling together to see what the issue really is.
edit: Yes I read the part you said to read before replying and yes I still agree. I have seen it before and I'm sure I will see it again-- if you give in on this you will give in on everything else and you will end up getting a divorce and/or being bitter and angry about all the things you lost.
Last edited by gobot; 08-24-07 at 09:15 AM.
#63
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ride on roads with less traffic. show her your route.
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"Think of bicycles as rideable art that can just about save the world". ~Grant Petersen
Cyclists fare best when they recognize that there are times when acting vehicularly is not the best practice, and are flexible enough to do what is necessary as the situation warrants.--Me
"Think of bicycles as rideable art that can just about save the world". ~Grant Petersen
Cyclists fare best when they recognize that there are times when acting vehicularly is not the best practice, and are flexible enough to do what is necessary as the situation warrants.--Me
#64
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OK. Here is - to the best of my recollection - how the conversation went.
Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.
Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.
Last edited by orulz; 08-24-07 at 09:27 AM. Reason: Making a correction
#65
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You've been doing this 2 years and have had no incidents and that hasn't helped her fears?
My wife was very concerned about my biking when I first started and still worries about times I ride in poor weather conditions, but she has grown to accept it. However I did have to agree to take out a 500K life insurance policy before she would let me start. The fact that I was willing to "waste" the money (in my opinion) to help relieve her fears convinced her that I was serious about commuting and did not consider it a safety risk.
Do some googling for safety stats and cycling safe riding tips. Make sure you always wear your helmet and other safety equipment like lights and reflectors even if they are "dorky". Maybe she won't accept it as a normal thing to do but she will probably accept it as a normal thing for you. For me it is not even a question of whether I will ride to work, riding is how I get to work.
Craig
My wife was very concerned about my biking when I first started and still worries about times I ride in poor weather conditions, but she has grown to accept it. However I did have to agree to take out a 500K life insurance policy before she would let me start. The fact that I was willing to "waste" the money (in my opinion) to help relieve her fears convinced her that I was serious about commuting and did not consider it a safety risk.
Do some googling for safety stats and cycling safe riding tips. Make sure you always wear your helmet and other safety equipment like lights and reflectors even if they are "dorky". Maybe she won't accept it as a normal thing to do but she will probably accept it as a normal thing for you. For me it is not even a question of whether I will ride to work, riding is how I get to work.
Craig
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OK. Here is - to the best of my recollection - how the conversation went.
Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.
Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.
#67
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OK. Here is - to the best of my recollection - how the conversation went.
Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.
Her: Honey, I don't like it when you ride to work. It's dangerous. Please don't.
Me: It's really not dangerous.
Her: Are there other people at your office who bike to work?
Me: A few - maybe two other guys in my building occasionally bike to work.
(fyi: my office is kind of out in the middle of nowhere on a busy 2-lane rural highway, currently under construction, that most cyclists would avoid at rush hour if they had an alternative)
Her: Sounds dangerous to me. If more people were doing it then I'd be OK with it. What's going to happen to me if you get hurt or killed?
Me: Life is risky. I could get killed on the highway just as well as I could get killed on my bike.
Her: (exaggerated sigh) Maybe we shouldn't get married after all.
#68
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People have their own ideas about what's safe and what's not, especially when it involves risk, and it very often has nothing to do with reality. Therefore it can be very difficult to change their minds about such things. For example: people feel they're safer in an SUV than in a car, despite substantial evidence to the contrary.
You can try statistics, but people tend not to believe them, suspecting, perhaps, that 88.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
But she's right that risk is involved, even if she's wrong about the odds, which are far better in cycling than in Russian Roulette.
What she is missing is that every time you get in a car, or cross a street as a pedestrian, or get on an airplane, or eat a cheeseburger, you are taking some risk. You cannot live your life without risk, and neither can she. Both you and she are at risk of cancer, mental illness, alzheimer's, lightning strikes, and so on. Cycling improves your overall health and reduces your risk of numerous health problems, and reduces your impact on the environment. The benefit is substantial, but the increase in risk is negligible.
Ah, well, there you go. People on this forum are more wary of manipulative spouses than they are traffic.
You can try statistics, but people tend not to believe them, suspecting, perhaps, that 88.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What she is missing is that every time you get in a car, or cross a street as a pedestrian, or get on an airplane, or eat a cheeseburger, you are taking some risk. You cannot live your life without risk, and neither can she. Both you and she are at risk of cancer, mental illness, alzheimer's, lightning strikes, and so on. Cycling improves your overall health and reduces your risk of numerous health problems, and reduces your impact on the environment. The benefit is substantial, but the increase in risk is negligible.
Ah, well, there you go. People on this forum are more wary of manipulative spouses than they are traffic.
#69
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She also has said things like "It'd be fine if you were riding your bike into town," - it's mostly just those busy suburban/exurban highways that bother her, or "It'd be all right if you were doing this on a Saturday/Sunday" - it's the heavy traffic and the oft-distracted and hurried rush-hour commuters that make her uneasy.
Lots of folks here seem to have taken the exaggeration in my original post and run with it; thanks for being supportive and giving some genuinely useful advice, moxfyre.
#70
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Take the car to work. Making your wife feel secure is more important than the means you use to get to work. C'mon, think about it. Her feelings vs. how you get to work. This should be a simple decision.
Then use your bike for toodling around, get your use from it that way.
Then use your bike for toodling around, get your use from it that way.
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The problem is that when you try to convince her its safe, you are avoiding the real issue--
You should say to her "yes, it is dangerous, but it is my choice to take that risk, because it is my life" since you clearly know that its a little risky, but like all of us, you would rather live with some risk (and excitement!) than without it.
Mod note: edited out the violence part
You should say to her "yes, it is dangerous, but it is my choice to take that risk, because it is my life" since you clearly know that its a little risky, but like all of us, you would rather live with some risk (and excitement!) than without it.
Mod note: edited out the violence part
#72
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I think one problem many of the posters to this site don't realize is that for much of the population bicycle commuting is equated with Russian roulette as far as safety goes. Also stats and data are not very convincing to many people. Most of my family and some of my friends seem to fall into this category. It is only their trust of myself to not be reckless that allows them to grudgingly accept my bicycle commuting.
To the OP. Your fiance sounds to be very similar to my wife. You are probably going to best convince her by convincing her about yourself. Let her know that you would not recklessly endanger yourself and that you have a strong sense of self preservation. Emotions usually are stronger than reason with many women.
Craig
To the OP. Your fiance sounds to be very similar to my wife. You are probably going to best convince her by convincing her about yourself. Let her know that you would not recklessly endanger yourself and that you have a strong sense of self preservation. Emotions usually are stronger than reason with many women.
Craig
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Take the car to work. Making your wife feel secure is more important than the means you use to get to work. C'mon, think about it. Her feelings vs. how you get to work. This should be a simple decision.
Then use your bike for toodling around, get your use from it that way.
Then use your bike for toodling around, get your use from it that way.
24 miles a day, 5 days a week vs Toodling around town? that's a huge difference in lifestyle.
#74
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Ok, so it wasn't an ultimatum, but it's getting there. I'm definitely not following her logic that the more people doing something, the safer it gets.
I'm not saying she shouldn't be concerned. She SHOULD be concerned about you. How she deals with that concern is the issue. And again, it's not about the bike at all - because tomorrow it will be something else.
From my life: my wife absolutely hated when I was racing cars, although I always told her that the most dangerous part of the weekend was the trip to and from the track. She never even hinted that I should stop though - she just wouldn't come to the track. Oddly, she was completely fine with my motorcycle riding (by far the most dangerous of all), and actually encourages me to ride the bike, because I arrive home on the bike in a good mood. I arrive home in the car pissed off.
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me to my wife and to my mom: "nobody wants me to get killed by a car less than i do"