Tell me YMCA, how were the Alps this year in The Tour? Those pesky Spanish riders give you a go at the tree line? What a pompous ass. Just about every poster but you was helpful or understanding. Bugger off.

For the others: I have been in one crit and have watched others. Truth be known, for all around bike handling, short speed and balls, crit racing is the best test of a pure rider as I see it. But there's that balls part - I admit to being intimidated by the crashing that goes on. I don't want to destroy my bikes or my body.

Road racing is not for me for reasons already mentioned. I did not realize it was a federal crime to not like road racing but still call yourself a cyclist. J. Edgar Hoover of the YMCA is one serious crime fighter. I'll endeavor not to cross him again. He's so busy helping real bike racers, race bikes. (Jesus Christ!)

So here I am left to race a recreational-level Time Trial somewhere close to home. I have no illusion of glory. No desire to turn pro. I don't want special equipment. Just a race with my cylcocross bike and a bunch of like-minded riders. No Alps, no Spaniards. No blowhards.

Most of you understand.