Your bottlecage bolts are not a unique and special snowflake. Barring substitution of aftermarket bolts, they are all the same size, and your bike is not special or unique enough to need different size bolts. I call bullsh*t. You apparently just don't understand how to install a frame mount pump that thousands of other people install and use without issue. If you got a defective mount, then contact the manufacturer. Saying all Topeak products are trash because you are too lazy to verify if you have a defective mount or not is lazy and small-minded.

So you ride with street clothes and basketball shoes, you are deathly afraid of riding on roads where a CO2 cartridge might maim you, and you think you are benefiting at all from aerodynamics? You are hysterical. Rarely can you even get over 15mph on stevens creek or los gatos creek trail unless you happen to be out at an unusual hour. I doubt you can even sustain over 20mph with that highly non-aero bike you have, especially since you can only use half your pedalstroke, your basketball kit flapping in the breeze.

Really you almost get rational, and then you completely go off the deep end by wrapping an entire box of tin foil around your head, claim you are something special and unique with higher standards of perfection than anyone else. Get over yourself.