This is not meant to hijack the thread, although it seems to me that it is OK to hijack a zombie thread.

These comments are very clever. Some of you would be a big improvement for Letterman. Probably any of you would be a big improvement for Letterman.

But I digress.

The ultimate simile for good climbers is "He climbs like a scalded monkey".

I need similes for really bad climbers. When I approach a big hill on group rides, I encourage people to go ahead of me while they got the chance because "I climb like the Titanic".

It's not bad but I know there is better material out there.

Can you help?