UPDATE:
I'm still going with not functioning.
I've been busy, so I didn't get around to doing the chargeback (yet). I have not heard directly from monarch mclaren/selle an-atomica since the last communication mentioned in my post above. I did however get an email on the 19th from USPS saying that monarch mclaren was shipping something to me. This was a full week after the deadline I gave them, and nine days after they said "I thought your saddle went out. Will check with the factory and see what's up." All of this was over two months after I ordered the thing, and after they knowingly (or at least recklessly/negligently) sent me a defective saddle.
So anyway, a saddle did arrive, but not the one I ordered. I want black/black. This one has copper rivets. Am I too picky? Maybe. I briefly considered keeping it, rather than wait another two months for a replacement, but I decided that for $200 I should get the product I ordered. I've already waited all summer, why settle now? My bike is silver and black. And not only is black/copper just plain fugly, it would also stand out. I don't need an extra reason for thieves to notice my bike or its $200 saddle.
So I emailed them again and told them to send me the correct saddle. I do want to try one of these out, so I'll give them a few more days and see what happens. Maybe I'll go ahead and install the copper rivet monstrosity, assuming the rails are not defective. I haven't decided if they're getting it back or not, even if they do eventually send the right seat. I do have other bikes. And a sharpie.