Steal a Hummer, then drive down the center line. If motorcyclists attempt to pass, weave over and give one of 'em a tap and the rest will back off. At some point the police will become so impressed by your safety acumen, they will assist by assembling an honor guard, with full lights and sirens. I've practiced this maneuver countless times in Grand Theft Auto, it works like a charm.

What about your bike? Throw it in the back, there's plenty of room. And don't worry, you can still retain your cyclocommuter smugness. It's not like it's your car, and you certainly didn't pay for the gas. Heck, by the time you're done with this trick, the vehicle should be so heavily damaged so as to be rendered undrivable. One Less Car, ftw!