After talking to the academic staff that have jurisdiction over the first floor and basement, we are getting our own bike room in the basement. Only people with bikes in the room will get keys (and my building is locked 24/7, unlike the other residence halls).

I still have to meet with the residential people to get yelled at, and maybe even argue a little more to keep my bike in my room for repairs, etc. But right now I'm pretty psyched to have a very secure and convenient storage room.