After a lot of research I figured a Schwalbe Marathon Supreme would do the trick.

... and on my first commute I ran over a staple and punctured. Hah.


However the tire kept the pressure high enough that I was able to ride it home with no issues. Plus I've been using them for another 700 non-commuting miles before that anyway, so they're pretty good. Not sure of any tire that can withstand a frigging staple to be honest.