Get a recumbent. Apparently, then you're allowed to grow a beer belly and a beard (though I have both of those and lack the 'bent).
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Bikes: 1996 Eddy Merckx Titanium EX, 1989/90 Colnago Super(issimo?) Piu(?), 1990 Concorde Aquila(hit by car while riding), others in build queue "when I get the time"