few options:

1. Expensive gore-tex that makes you sweat more moisture than it could possibly prevent in the form of rain -- because being bathed in your own sweat is manly.

2. Dump your entire paycheck at the bike shop on an expensive plastic jacket making all kinds of marketing claims. The more "dueschey", the better here.

3. Make sure the jacket in #2 is 1-2 sizes too short so it rides up and your lower back boobs and ass crack are hanging out for all to see.

4. As a last resort, wrap your entire body in a black 33 gallon trash bag. Do not cut yourself a hole for your head and arms. Just look through the bag and ride more slowly since it will be a little harder to see.