Originally Posted by
sci_femme
I was really struggling with myself as to whether to chime in early and conserve valuable broadband resource or stay amused for a bit longer by discussion that is absolutely destined to run in circles. OK, here we go again, Mars-Venus moment.
Every single one of you has offered a SOLUTION. OK, so noted. When will Y-chromosomed folks understand that we are intelligent enough to see the solutions ourselves and offering another one comes across as patronizing?
What she needs is to VALIDATE her feelings, something along the lines "Honey, I would be worried too". And at least try to sound sincere. She puts up with aforementioned patronizing, she's gotta love you, that's why she is worried. While in the process of acknowledging her fears, try to abstain from offering reasons why it is safe. How to find the right words - well, it is time to exercise that muscle between your ears. Only chefisaac stumbled upon partial understanding how it is done.
Of course, there always is that strong silent way of doing things - heading into the traffic without saying a word and asking forgiveness is optional. Is anybody willing to venture a guess how many booty points this approach is doing to get?
chefisaac - C-
the rest - F
Class dismissed
SF
OP: Read this and take it to heart. I'm a guy, so I don't actually
understand what she's saying, but based on my observations from over 20 years of marriage (all to the same woman) this is the sort of approach that is likely to get you somewhere. I can advance all the logical arguments in my bag, and I promise there are plenty, but at the end of the day, this is more than likely an emotional concern for your wife. And, as I learn almost every day, emotional concerns are not to be solved with logic. That said, you also can't really give in to her if her sole rationale is her emotional concern. BTW: If her emotional concern doesn't make sense to you, put the shoe on the other foot, so to speak: Consider how you would feel if she told you she wanted to start walking to work, in a poorly lighted neighborhood, at night, by herself... I might be able to "prove" that such an activity is much safer than eating a medium fries from McDonalds once a week, but I bet that wouldn't prevent you from expressing your concern, right?
This is not to say (in my opinion) that you should ignore the logical stuff -- educating her on the relative risks involved (as between cycling and heart disease, for example) is not a complete waste of time. But in the end, you need to make it clear that you hear her, that you value her feelings, and that her concern is important to you. BUT that despite her concern, you think this is the right course of action, so you'd like her input on how best you can mitigate (but not eliminate) her concerns.
For example, solicit her assistance in planning your route, and be willing to ride a few extra miles if there's an alternative that is (a) she thinks is safer and b) actually is safer (or at least not less safe). Be willing to wear the dreaded
YJA or whatever other safety gear might make her feel better, at least for a time.
But most of all, listen to her, hear what she's saying, acknowledge that she isn't crazy, that she is worried because she loves and values you (despite how illogical that almost certainly is), and that you care because she cares. This will go a long way in terms of marital happiness, even if the end result is exactly the same.