I think there's a drastically simple solution here...although as others have said I think the OP has run fearfully (or perhaps even tearfully) far, FAR away from this thread !

Dude, just go down to your local bike shop and test ride several different styles of bikes. Find the one you enjoy riding the most. Don't listen to what anyone else says about what you need, just go down there and freaking ride. You'll know when you find the right bike.
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