Patrol bikes don't have 22" wheels. You might as well be on foot for all the bad guys you can catch on that thing. Not only are they not worried about your safety, they don't even seem concerned about providing their customer with the service they're hired for.

# 4 above sounds like a good choice. I'll add on another option

7. Find someone higher up than the "captain-jerk" to talk to about the possibility of investing some of the gas/maintenance budget on decent hardtail bikes for the officers

8. (bonus option) Spin so hard chasing down OJ Simpson (he did it) that you break the crank and chainrings off. Hit "captain-jerk" in the balls with said crank and chainring assembly to prevent further contamination of the gene pool.