I'm sorry, you'd seriously consider giving up cycling before even trying one of these:

http://dvonpusch.zenfolio.com/p14391...18b58#hf318b58

?

I get almost 28 mph on ~ 300 watts on mine...

http://app.strava.com/segments/1318162
that was 565 watts on my heavy, 28lb aluminum, one (but I wouldn't recommend if you want a racing bike)

Now I'm riding a 20lb carbon racing one, similar (older version) to the one pictured:
http://app.strava.com/segments/1608992
http://app.strava.com/segments/1303390
http://app.strava.com/segments/632830
http://app.strava.com/segments/993400

This is considered one of the toughest climbs in western Washington (I don't agree - this one is better: http://www.norka.us/content/festival..._542_info.asp):
http://climb4cancer.net/
I finished 28th out of 60+ on that one (14:14 ~ 2 min back) 2.2 miles of 8-9% with a barrage of 3 15%+ poppers leading up to the finish.
not great, but the bike is certainly not a crutch. I have a 20 min PB of 4.6 watts/kilo and a 6-7 min of 5.4


Might look ridiculous to you. It only looks like Pain to everyone that rides with me.

T