You had some very funny analogies there. I can relate to your pain and suffering. When I joined our school racing team (late 80's) I was barely able to keep up with the group on the flats and got dropped the instant the terrain started to go upwards. After some rigorous training with the group and some excruciating solo rides I was able to hold my own and even pull the paceline up some moderate climbs in the area.

The fastest time I was dropped was about three months after joining the team. We were flying along the Victoria waterfront at a reasonable pace of 38km/hr. I had just completed a good turn at the front and peeled off to resume my place at the back of the line. I was a wee bit tired when I pulled up onto the back wheel of the last rider so I missed the signal (if there was one) to let me know of an obstruction on the right. With my head down and hammering hard to prevent getting gapped on the slight incline I never saw the hatchback parked on the side of the road until my front wheel hit it (immediately followed by my handlebars and face). Since I was at the back of the line, none of the other riders saw me hit the car. After I dusted myself off and collected my stuff (the impact knocked the pump, waterbottles, computer, and seatbag off of my bike and the shades off of my face) I noticed my downtube was permanently bent. I limped back to the school by myself vowing to never look down in a paceline again. I just wish I had this on video.