Sandy---My heart goes out to you. I wish I had something to say that would be of help/inspiration/comfort/support/anything to you, but it seems I just don't have anything to offer that runs that deep. I went through a similarly abysmal period a while ago. It was a real "Mission:Hopeless" scenario, it developed a mind, will and life of its own, it ran its own course and it finally came to an end. Hang in there. With luck and time, I expect that things will improve for you. Best of luck with it...