I know you said you were joking but just in case someone else is wondering the same thing I'll share my personal experience. I started with a box store MTB on July first of this year and then upgraded to my "real" bike in mid-August. The advantages I have seen are: My average speed has increased by 4.5 to 5 MPH, not only is going fast more fun, it burns more calories. Because I am traveling at a higher rate of speed I also cover more ground in the hour I set aside for riding each morning, burning even more calories, I've gone from 7 to 8 miles to 14 to 15 miles a day. My more expensive bike shifts when I want it to which lets me make it up hills that I was unable to get up before, the lighter weight helps here too. My cheap bike would shift whenever it felt like it if at all, most times I would try to shift when I came to a hill and nothing would happen until I was halfway up and really straining to keep pedaling, then it would jump to the next gear,my feet would fly off the pedals and I would loose all my momentum. Because I can get up more hills now it has opened up other areas for me to ride, which adds to the enjoyment of riding. So did I need a new bike? Probably not, but I am getting more out of my time and enjoying it more so it was worth it to me.