Andrew, that is very funny. Funny for me because when I think of over the years all the doofusy things I have done without realizing it, it makes me feel better that you put this up. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves dont we?
Good on you.

re racks, Ive mentioned my experiences before that with rear loads of about 25-30lbs, reasonably priced racks like the Planetbike one mentioned will work perfectly well. There are a number of larger tubed alu racks around now that for most people doing occasional trips, are very good value of performance/cost.
That said, it makes sense to say that for someone doing a lot of touring, or an extended trip, the extra cost for top notch racks will be worth it, especially if they are something that will be used for years and years and years. Basically the same view with all outdoor stuff, top stuff is worth it in the long run for all the various reasons.