Originally Posted by
Piratebike
Thanks guys. It's not really about what I can't do on the bike as it is about what I can't do at all. I get to thinking about being too far away from medical help! I mean what if I have another heart attack. What if I push myself too far? What is that feeling in my chest? Is that my heart again? My left arm hurts today? Is that my heart? Can I go fishing on the river today? What if something happens? Can I go off into the wilderness for a week? What if my heart gives out? All that stuff keeps me from doing things I used to do. I don't feel alive anymore. I never thought about "what ifs" before. I was young, immortal, nothing was going to happen, didn't even consider anything happening. I was a young lion, afraid of nothing. Now I feel like an old lion, defeated, thrown from the pride, nothing to live for. No longer leader. Heck some days I don't even feel like I can follow.
There is an often cited bit of dogma in psychology about the stages of grief. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When I had my first MI I was in full blown denial. The second, as I said before was greeted with anger. Bargaining? I am not a religious person, so that didn't happen. Depression? Maybe a little bit, but I have been in full blown acceptance mode for a couple of years now.
I really do not worry about it. Maybe that is how I stay sane and keep my depression at bay. In 2004 a brother died of a very aggressive cancer of the pancreas. Six weeks from diagnosis to the grave. Many other friends and relatives have died, or are fighting for their lives. I will die. Worrying about it will not change it. I may last another twenty to thirty years. I may have a fatal heart attack, or be right crossed by a bus this afternoon. I live very comfortably accepting what ever happens.
Regarding worrying about keeling over in a bad spot, I try to just do the things I enjoy. If my time comes, I would prefer to be doing what I love. I know that sounds shallow, but I don't know how else to approach my own vulnerabilities.
I try to avoid being in situations were there is no cell phone coverage, but I agree with dbg's basic philosophy on this. Just live.