I'll second mrodgers' suggestions. The Topeak Morphs come in two sizes,and are designed like mini floor pumps which makes them much easier to use than any of the stick pumps. Pedro's are also my personal choice for levers. A spare tube is nice for making speedy repairs,plus sometimes a tube can't be fixed. I also carry Park Tool's stick-on patches;for permanent fixes I use proper glue-on ones,but for the road side stick-on are much easier to deal with.

I have to ask,can you post your chops? Your absolute statement is pretty far off from my experience. In addition to the fleet of bikes in my sig file,for the past several years I've run a free bike clinic,and have wrenched over 1k bikes. There have been tire/rim combos that I could get on/off tool-free,but most require at least one lever to come off. I've also had combinations that were so difficult it required my bead jack to get on. A set of 2" Crossroads and a pair of 1.3" S-Licks were particular nightmares,and wire bead Randonneurs are always fun.