Biker395 

His death has me trying to get my arms around what it means to be hopelessly mired in clinical depression.

I was chatting it over with my wife last night and remarked that there were times that I wondered if I suffered from depression. I hadn't seriously considered the notion until recently, but the more I thought about it, the more I questioned myself.

She laughed out loud.

"You?!?"

I think there are times we all have one sign or another. Times when you feel like holing up in the house for a few days, doing nothing but watching old re-runs and eating bad food. Times when you mutter to yourself in less than charitable terms, telling yourself that you're not as smart, hard working, compassionate, or creative as you should be. Times when you wonder ... what's the point? Times when all you see in front of you is a long hard decline.

It seems there are a lot of people suffering from depression, and it seems more common with age. I have relatives that have been taking medication for years. Ones that have committed suicide. And I know quite a few friends that also struggle with it. Me too? I wondered.

So I did the best thing I could think of ... took a few of those on-line self-diagnosing quizzes. The result? Most definitely not depressed. At least, they didn't seem to think so. Maybe my bike is the only thing standing between me and the big D. I dunno.

But what it must be like to be so hopelessly and terribly depressed that you take your own life. Is it like the usual occasional hopeless, useless feeling we all get at times, but 1000 times worse? Or is it like losing your spouse, child or other loved one ... but it never eases and never goes away?

I'm curious as hell about most things, but about that one thing, I truly don't want to know what it is like. I think I'll leave it there.

RIP, tortured soul.