Okay, okay, jeez...

First off, I think the crankset should be 30/46, but hollowtech II. Shimano doesn't make this combination, but I think it'd be ideal for touring. the Hollowtech II spindle is lighter and stiffer than square taper, and if it's machined really well, like a Paul compnent level of quality, there should be no need to replace it in far-off lands (and, at any rate, a replacement in 34/46 is $90 shipped to you as a worst-case.)

Full titanium. Cost be damned! This is dream-land. If I make the frame and components out of titanium (where it makes sense to) then I should reduce the weight enough to go ALL-WHEEL DRIVE.

That's right. There's a fatbike that has a series of gears and spindles embedded inside the tubing of the frame that supplies equal power to the front and rear wheel. I'd do the same. It's the evolution of the off-road bike.

The frame needs to have a low enough top tube to fit a suspension seatpost with a Revelate-style seat bag, plus standover height will be an issue off-road.

You know how Moots builds about 1" of travel in a suspension doohickey right between the seat tube and the seat stays? That.

Waterproof everything, double the resiliency of the springs in the derailleurs and levers, and paint everything white. Max's Dream Bike.